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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To dislike my child a lot of the time

42 replies

Justmeagain78 · 23/07/2016 20:52

Dd is four and I love her and would do anything for her but her behavioural problems are taking their toll on me. Every single day starts with her playing up - refusing to wear her clothes, not letting me brush her hair, not getting ready for preschool. She has friendships but I often witness her being horrible to other children and refusing to share. We often have to leave places because she's tantruming. Bedtime is a nightmare - I feel sick when it comes around because she messes about so much and gives me so much cheek I am brought to the brink of pulling my hair out. Now it's the summer holidays I am confiscating her toys regularly because she is hitting me and being abusive so it's not like she's getting away with it but I'm tired of all the battles and humiliation of her not doing as she's told especially in front of other people. I'm at my wits end, I just want to feel happy again but right now I wish I was dead. Please be kind, I can't talk to anyone I know about this because I'm too ashamed of my failure.

OP posts:
teagirl27 · 23/07/2016 23:00

I'm so sorry you're blaming yourself and feeling like this. Please be kind to yourself Flowers Kids are mini torture devices at times. A couple of weeks ago I read on here about a book called 1-2-3 magic. It has revolutionised how I interact with my DC and involves cutting out the nagging and shouting on your part (which is where a lot of the stress was felt for me), requires a very simple way to get them to stop behaviour that is bad and encourages positive behaviour using sticker charts etc. DH couldn't believe it this morning when I asked DS to brush his teeth and he said "I'm coming mummy" like some dutiful darling. DH hasn't read the book of course! My point is there is hope. Please don't take this as a personal failure.

ReallyTired · 23/07/2016 23:18

I find your post concerning. Small children are hard work, but usually there are happy moments, smiles, cuddles and more good days than bad.

Hope you don't mind me asking, but have you had postnatal depression? Sometimes if postnatal depression is not successfully treated it never goes away. It can interfere with bonding. If you are ill then it makes it hard to cope with the strains of looking after a small child.

What is your child's general development like? Ds' behaviour improved dramatically once he had grommets. It may well be worth talking to your doctor/ health visitor about her general development.

What is her routine like? Children are often worst behaved when tired. In the summer it can be hard with late summer evenings and early dawn. A blackout blind might help.

What is her diet like? Four year olds can be very fussy.

Udderz · 23/07/2016 23:21

Yes catch her being good and try and have more fun together. Point out all the things you like about her and really behave like you like her. It is down to you to change things. youve got into this catch 22 and you can iron things out

Udderz · 23/07/2016 23:22

she can probably sense that you don't like her and is responding to that.

ReallyTired · 23/07/2016 23:22

Four year olds need a lot of exercise. In my area there are several fun holiday play schemes she would be old enough for. There are summer crash swimming courses, gymnastics courses, football to name a few in my area. It's hard to suggest specific courses as I have no idea where you live in the country.

lougle · 23/07/2016 23:27

We all have moments when we're just absolutely run down with the absolutely monotony of the daily grind and relentlessness of parenthood, though, don't we? Catch me on a good day and I can Pollyanna with the best of them. Catch me at the end of a day when my girls have all whined from morning till night and I'm ready to throw the towel in. Not a bit of depression in sight, just sheer exhaustion and despair at the thought of having to do it all again the next day.

Chin up, this too shall pass and just when you think you could strangle her, I bet she'll do or say something that melts your heart and gives you that rush of love that only your child can bring. Flowers

whatamockerywemake · 24/07/2016 01:17

Agree with PPs - this isn't some fault with your or your child, but as the adult, YOU are the one who has the capacity to change things.

I run parenting courses and a couple of our mantras are "the behaviour we give attention to is the behaviour we get" (so if you don't like the behaviour, don't give it attention, but give LOADS of very positive attention to the behaviours that you want). Where you can, ignore, ignore, ignore bad behaviour - don't feed it! But it's ok to use "I" statements (i.e. "when you do x, it makes me feel y, because....")
And
"If what you're doing isn't working, don't keep repeating it". Break the cycle (for both of your sanities).

I agree with the PP who said change "don'ts" to "do's" (so, stop saying don't do x, y, z, and instead say "please do a, b c". Give praise where you can.).

When you get behaviour you don't like, offer a clear choice with consequences "you can keep on doing x, and then you'll have time out/early bed/whatever, or you can do y instead, and we'll have a lovely cuddle/game together/whatever"). Give praise and positive feedback for good choices. Use the language of 'good' and 'bad' choices. Giving your child a choice gives them power (and less to rebel against)

That's all my parenting advice in a nutshell (and it's supposed to last 10 weeks!) Good luck!

randomer · 24/07/2016 09:59

get help for yourself.....kid will be ok

Gottagetmoving · 24/07/2016 10:26

You are not a failure. You just haven't learned how to handle these situations. No one gets training in how to deal with their children. Some people are calm and instinctively know how to manage behaviour issues but most of us don't.
You can send yourself dizzy looking for reasons why your DD behaves as she does but whatever the reason there are ways to change it.
I would ask for advice from a professional rather than getting lots of conflicting advice on here.

Justmeagain78 · 24/07/2016 10:34

Thanks for your help all!! Was just having a bad day yesterday but some of your advice has been very valuable!!! Dd gets lots and lots of positive reinforcement and we do have lots of fun together, it's not all doom and gloom. I think we are going through a phase where she is really pushing the boundaries but your fresh perspectives and practical tips have given me hope and reassurance. Thank you all xx

OP posts:
TheStoic · 24/07/2016 10:38

God, I remember 'four'....

I now have the most delightful 11yo son.

Hang in there. This is turbulence, but clear skies are ahead. :-)

Shezza71 · 24/07/2016 11:13

While I agree this can be normal behaviour for a 3/4 year old, when out and about there are plenty of judgmental people out there that are quick to give the death stare or mutter to their friends when witnessing a child having a tantrum. I recently saw a mum in the park with a young child having the mother of all tantrums, she left as quickly as she could and we left shortly after, found mum in tears trying to load everything into the car, asked if she was ok, told her not to worry about what other people thought. I hope it helped her.
Good luck, you just need to find what works x

Gaspard · 24/07/2016 11:37

Went through an extended period like this with mine and she's just over 4. My best advice is pick your battles, don't respond to every annoying thing she does, don't worry too much what other people think and be gentle with her. I've turned the corner with mine and I think this phase is a bit like colic...horrendous but transitory. I found with mine that chatting at bedtime was a great opportunity for her to tell me anything she wanted to have a chat about. It was a great faff even getting to the point where she was in bed even though clearly exhausted but these chats helped calm her down and she went to bed on a good note. I never felt like I didn't like DD even though they're infuriating sometimes. I really believe that's a stage where a lot is going on and they're unable to handle it so kick off a lot. Just think what some of us can be like after a bad day at work...and as adults we're supposed to have some coping skills!

Also, one great piece of insight...your agenda's not their agenda and they don't get why it's important.
I'm all over the place but I hope there's something in there for you - solidarity if nothing else.

Gaspard · 24/07/2016 11:38

Didn't mean to come across all judgmental about feeling that you don't always like him. I think it's quite normal when they push your buttons like that.

FluffyPanda · 24/07/2016 11:39

You're no failure. But you do need extra help.

Is there anyone you can turn to? Anyone at all?

Your local sure start center maybe?

MrsJayy · 24/07/2016 11:47

Glad you are feeling a bit more positive today a tip for when she is playing up is dont react its hard i know but a firm monotone voice when speaking to her dont chase her about to get dressed or whatever she is feeding off the drama 4yrold can be a bloody nightmare be consistent be fim and be positive and you will get through this. Oh and when 1 of mine were arsey like this at 3/4 and wouldnt get dressed i used to put a timer or so it was a game she had to beat the clock to get ready in the morning

AnecdotalEvidence · 24/07/2016 12:22

But it's ok to use "I" statements (i.e. "when you do x, it makes me feel y, because....")
This is a better way of using an I statement:
I feel...
When... (describe the situation without using the word "You")
Because...
What I would like is...

I feel annoyed when there are toys on the floor, because I can't read you a bedtime story until the toys are put away. What I would like is for you to help me tidy up before you go to bed.

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