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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do about this

15 replies

Ashamedtoadmittothis · 22/07/2016 15:36

Dh seems perpetually Pissed off with me. Mainly about my inability to make and retain friends when he's a complete social butterfly. He blames me for his friends dropping off the radar (actually his fault for not keeping in touch!) and says it's my fault we have no friends as a couple.

I'm painfully shy, have crippling anxiety and would love to befriend more people but haven't a clue how to go about it. Once I have spoken to people I have no clue how to maintain and sustain a friendship and tbh once people leave my line of sight i tend to forget about them and lose interest in them, even family. So I can see how it is that he sees it as my fault.

So what do I do about it?

OP posts:
softjellyjunglecustard · 22/07/2016 15:42

may i ask what your relationship is like as a whole? redeeming features; do the pros outweigh the cons etc?
and Flowers for you OP because anxiety can be one of the cruellest things in our world xx

Original poster
Ashamedtoadmittothis · 22/07/2016 15:47

It's not the best but not the worst. We rub along together but I can't say as if he left or I left I'd miss him (this isn't anything against him it's how I am with everyone).

Life is hard work with him though as he seems to always be after a fight and whenever I say how I'm feeling I get shouted down. But tbh the good outweighs the bad, we have a laugh and support each other in a lot of ways

OP posts:
softjellyjunglecustard · 22/07/2016 15:50

yeah i understand that, it's not your fault it's just how you are and you're honest about it which is amazing. i take it, he knew about how you were and the way you handle relationships etc, before he married you? and are there any DC? x

Aeroflotgirl · 22/07/2016 15:52

He sounds awful op, I would blooming ltb, he sounds quite nasty, and does not sound like you have much in common anyway!

Msqueen33 · 22/07/2016 15:53

That's really horrible. My oh is very sociable. I'm not. I have asd and I feel making friends and keeping them very hard but he should be supporting you and not being nasty to you about it.

Original poster
Ashamedtoadmittothis · 22/07/2016 15:54

Yes, it's nothing new to him. Yes there are dc and they are social butterflies like him but he can't understand why I won't befriend the parents in order to widen their social circle however my argument is why do I have to? Why doesn't he do it? If he wants to befriend them I'll never stop him, he can go out and do things with whoever he wants as far as I'm concerned, but don't expect me to sit and make small talk with people because it makes me incredibly uncomfortable

OP posts:
Cutecat78 · 22/07/2016 15:55

Are you sure it's anxiety?

It sounds a little like Aspergers ....

rosiecam · 22/07/2016 15:57

It sounds to me from your first post that your social anxiety is bothering you (as well as him) so for your own sake I'd suggest talking to the doctor about it and see if you can get referred to a therapist. They could help you with techniques for making friends and chatting.

Your partner might ease up if he knows you're trying to find solutions but I'm not suggesting doing it for his sake. Totally for your own sake because you say you would love to befriend more people.

If you do end up splitting up, you'll need those skills more than ever, so getting started now would probably be good whatever happens.

cupcakesarah · 22/07/2016 15:58

How did you befriend your Dh, surely one day you must have gone from strangers, to friends, to in a relationship, if you want to make friends, then can you use that path to make friends?

LotsOfShoes · 22/07/2016 15:58

On the fence here...if DH talked about me the way you talk about your DH, I'd be devastated...and to say that once people are out of your sight, you forget about them and lose interest is actually very, very cold and not sure what it has to do with anxiety. And once people are a bit older, they do tend to also socialize as couples so if one is always cold and disinterested, it will put some people off and make it a bit harder for the other to maintain friendships as easily. I don't know if yabu or not, I'd need more background.

softjellyjunglecustard · 22/07/2016 15:59

if you can't talk to him about this without him shouting you down, then maybe you need to make it clear to him that you can't live like this any more. and if he decides to up and leave without trying to work and compromise, then it shows what an actual bastard he is and you'd probably be better off without his negativity in your life. your DC can be social when they're with him, and when they're with you, they can still be sociable like go on playdates or to parties etc, but then the rest of the time can just be your time at home with them. i'm probably jumping the gun here sounding like i'm trying to organise custody arrangements for you already LOL, but i just mean that if you decide to split at some point, the DC would rather have two happy separate parents than two unhappy parents together.

LotsOfShoes · 22/07/2016 16:01

Also, it's quite awkward for one parent alone to socialize with a whole other family when there is a partner on the scene....if me and DH were inviting a couple and their kids over and only one of them showed up, it would look as if the other can't be bothered...and it's less likely i'd invite them again if the whole purpose was for it to be a family social (rather than one on one). Yes, I can see how your behaviour affects him.

UnicornPee · 23/07/2016 12:59

Similar situation. My OH has loads of friends from all throughout his life and talks to people with ease.
I don't have a best friend or any 'close' friends. I'm just not good at keeping close to people. Not for any reason I think it's just because I was a shy kid and still am a bit.
I always wonder if I am a failure for this trait of mine.
I do like the idea of having a 'bestie' but I'm 32 now so it's probably too late- they're all taken lol.
All my close school friends moved away and all my work friends have their own lives.
Sometimes I get down about it but it's my own fault I guess for not staying close to people.
I like the phrase 'social introvert'

FireLamp · 23/07/2016 13:08

I'm much the same, but over the years have made more effort to connect with people. DH is far more social than me and I feel it's important we both make an effort and have a social network.
Socialising as a couple is healthy, and I feel it's important for DS to have contact with other people, children to play with etc. It helps them develop social skills and confidence.

IMO it all comes down to compromise. Your DH wants an active social life as a couple, it seems unfair to deny him this completely or jeopardise his attempts to make friends. Why not set aside one weekend a month for socialising as a couple or meeting family and friends? Can you take up a hobby together, join a club?

I had treatment for social anxiety and it made a huge difference to our lives (meds and NLP, CBT and counselling).

FireLamp · 23/07/2016 13:13

Just to add, I agree your DH needs to make more effort instead of leaving it to you. But IME it's often the women who make and maintain connections, organise meet-ups etc. Not saying that's right, it's just a social norm in our society. I also find people drift off my radar so I focus on those I really like and schedule meet-ups into our family calendar. If I don't get on with the other mum it's not going to work.

Also, do you have more time than your DH? Mine works full-time, I'm part-time, so I have more time to pursue friendships and arrange gatherings.

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