Nephew never comes to family events

[amandaxalice]

Ok so to cut a long story short (ish) my nephew is 5 years old. We have a lot of family events, such as meals out, lots of birthdays, days out etc. And apparently according to my sister when she tells her son we going blah blah blah he bursts out crying not wanting to go and then my sister decides to make other arrangements for him which is usually staying home with his dad rather than enjoying a supposedly fun day out. He may or may not have autism but if he does, we've been told it would be extremely mild! Aibu to be a bit upset that my nephew is never at family events, when he's only 5. Should he really make that decision? We he does come once in a blue moon he seems very happy to be there. Please someone tell me I'm overreacting and should get over it?

I've just made excuses for not going to a 'fun family activity' because I just don't think it will work out well for dd. I know for other people's kids it would be fine (my brother's kids will probably go and have a great time), and to be honest at another time we might just wing it and hope for the best. However right now she is not in the best mood and I have had a long week and just can't face the risk of dealing with a hysterical child with a load of family watching.

So, in short, it is not your call to make and you really don't know for sure what is going on with her or your nephew that may mean they don't want him to go. Leave them be.

What on earth is it to do with you? His mum makes the call.

Yes, you're being massively unreasonable to want a five year old to be stressed and miserable so you can enjoy the feeling that everyone is there.

What on earth is it to do with you? His mum makes the call.

Yes, you're being massively unreasonable to want a five year old to be stressed and miserable so you can enjoy the feeling that everyone is there.

As a mum who's son has Aspergers I think you're over reacting. My son can't cope with social situations & finds events stressful, hence we don't go to social situations. Your sister is putting her sons needs first & you respect that. How about you ask her what you can do to help her & her son?

You are over acting.

Even if he does appear to enjoy himself at a family event, you have no idea how heavily he might pay for it, afterwards. For all you know, he holds it all in, not daring to put a foot wrong in front of people he's not incredibly close to, then completely unravels as soon as he gets home.

All so you can have the pleasure of the company of the cute little kid.

over-reacting, even. Not sure what happened, there.

Sorry I wish my dad partially had protected me from family events. I always felt lost and out of place ended up having a melt down when I returned to my mum, oh it was never my fathers fault I was stressed and over stimulated because "well she was happy playing with her brother step siblings and cousins" who'd spent the whole day touching me screaming "naught come on naught this the game naught naught naught naught"

Now I'm a firm believer in you've met one autistic child you've met one autistic child, but you don't know what the effects of a family day out has on your nephew that your sister may end up dealing with afterwards.

Now the best thing about my fathers family my aunties husband who actually often came to find me when I'd taken myself off spent one on one time with me. You want to see your nephew it doesn't have to be at family occasions have a bit of one to one time

If he is on the spectrum then social events will cause him a great deal of anxiety. His mother is right to avoid causing him any unnecessary stress. In any case, not everyone enjoys the big happy family gathering thing, especially if it is as frequent as it sounds in your case. I would rather poke myself in the eye than spend any time with my husband's family and my sister and I are estranged from our mother. How do you know that someone in the extended family hasn't upset him previously and he is unable to express this? If you want to see him more often, wait to be invited.

When I read your title, I wondered if my DSIS had written this but unless you've changed the ages then it's not us
However, there are a few reasons why we don't take DS to all the family events including that he does find it overpowering; he doesn't know the other relatives as well as they all know each other (they all live closer to each other); some of the older family DCs are mean to him and tbh I can't be arsed policing their behaviour and forcing him to endure an unpleasant situation. Oh, and sometimes, it's because I quite like the idea of being at an event as an independent adult (not just a mum).
One of my DSIS would be (and is) exactly like you because she doesn't ultimately trust that I know my DS best and because she doesn't actually notice everything that goes on at family events. She likes the idea of swooping in as a doting aunty on occasion and parading him round the family but she has no idea what's going on in his life at school or with his health that may make him less amenable to that. The fact he enjoys the few events that he does attend probably means your DSIS is getting the balance right.

Does he happily attend events of the same type when it's not family?

I must admit my DS is like you describe your nephew, only DS is a bit anxious about crowds/having things expected of him and is also, frankly, a bit lazy. He'd stay in the house on his arse playing video games forever if I let him, but once he's dragged out the door (and reassured that I won't leave him) then he almost always loves it (and discards me immediately)

It's possible your nephew is the anxious/lazy type that DS personifies, or that something else is going on with him. You're allowed to feel sad that you never see him but you need to think of other approaches that he may prefer to numerous, noisy gatherings.

I think you're being unreasonable to be upset about his mum's decisions. She's doing what she thinks is best for her son, whether you like it or not.

My son is coming two and he hates going got for meals and we find it very stressful! If only he could talk and tell us he didn't want to go it would be great lol

You're over reacting - you mention that your nephew seems very happy the times he does come maybe that's because he only attends occasionally. Maybe he'd be unhappy if he came to all of the events which in your OP you mention are a lot. I've a 5 year old I'd be raging and very hurt if my sister didn't understand that I'd put the happiness and stability of my child before a plethera of family events.

Great link Arf.

Whoever described any presentation of autism to you as 'extremely mild ' OP?

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