to find partner's inattentiveness annoying.

[HostOfDaffodils]

He really doesn't hear me when he gets distracted, and he gets distracted frequently. It's as if his brain just doesn't process that I have spoken.

It doesn't only happen when he's tired or hungry or stressed or there is some sound interference (background noise) I can be inches away, speaking clearly and it's like I somehow don't exist.

It's often the trivial stuff that gets me.

For example we were having lunch. Our daughter who is on the other side of the world had sent us both a message to our daughter. I had replied to her. Then I'd gone across the room to make us both some tea. The phone pinged. He reached for it. I said 'If it's Daughter, please don't read me the reply out loud - I want to read it for myself.

I carried on making our tea and he looked at the phone, then began reading out her reply.

I said ' I just said I wanted to read it for myself.'

'Oh did you? I didn't hear.'

Like that....

Yy to the not acknowledging. Drives me potty!

Tell him to get his ears tested. I'm partially deaf and my family get so irritated with me. I can't wear hearing aids due to a skin issue.

It's awful to have people snapping or shouting when you fail to hear them calling you.

There may be one or two ADD/ADHD traits but not the whole package, I think. And hearing is okay I think.

I'd see it more as something quite childlike. You know when you tell kids not to do a certain thing and they don't mean to do it, but they are so absorbed in their own world they genuinely forget, and are really sorry when you're cross and say they'll do better and then do exactly the same thing the next day.

So it comes over more with close family because the sort of anxiety about behaving according to adult social norms isn't there so much.

Often it's really marked when the children come back. It's as if there's so much he wants to tell them and so much he wants to ask, he isn't quite processing what they say to him.

Same here. My partner is the same. It's so fucking annoying. 20 years of it.
Could be because he's dyslexic.
It's funny how he can remember percentages, calculations, meetings and a million other things for work. Yet he claims he cannot do 2 things simultaneously at home. 🙄
He is a bit deaf as well. But not when his mates are talking about cars, fishing, Xbox or beer.

ASD? My ex would visibly 'zone out' - stare into space, smiling at his own thoughts, even whilst I was in the middle of telling him something important. A few seconds later he'd shake his head and be back with me...all part of his Aspergers. It got really annoying when he'd say things like 'you never told me about that!' when I clearly remembered doing so (and hadn't noticed him 'zoning). Things like arrangements for picking up kids etc, which could have had disastrous results. I eventually told him how rude it was, to treat me as though everything I said had so little consquence for him that he could just ignore it.

It came as a surprise to him! He genuinely thought my words were of such little importance that he could tune out and back in and not have missed anything. Twunt.

Why are people always so quick to put a label on and diagnose things these days... Asd, adhd blah blah blah, why can he just be an ignorant fuck??

Nice.

Maybe he is but it was just a suggestion.

I'm not an ignorant fuck, thanks.

I meant why can't be just be, my bad for the typo.

But I never said you were an ignorant fuck did I?? No, thought not

You weren't the only one to suggest it either so don't take it as a personal attack

It just gets a bit tiring that is all. It was a suggestion - other people made a different suggestion. It was probably something each of us had found helpful at some point in our lives.

I think OP only wanted a little rant anyway, sounds like he's neither a bad man nor struggling with anything, just a personality quirk.

I may be feeling a little sensitive. But it is irritating to be told that something that seriously affects your life is just slapping a label on something which is basically a personality flaw/moral failing.

Well I didn't mean it to come across like that, I just saw it as OP just wanting to have a rant about her DH not listening to her, and being told that its normal and all men do it, and she's not on her own, not as an opportunity to try get him diagnosed, that was all no offence meant.

In what way is ignorant fuck not a lable ?

You try several decades of the above and its ilk being used to lable you. Especially from people who appear believe that any suggestion a condition might be worth considering as a cause is a form of making excuses for a moral failing. And then tell me how thick your skin has remained in the face of snap judgment pejoratives.

Now you are just using that term out of context. I am not calling anyone with ADD or ADHD and ignorant fuck at all..(if I have done so - please show me where).
What I'm trying to say is why does there have to be something wrong with him, i'm not even saying there isn't, but why can't he just be a bit of an idiot that doesn't listen to his wife like some men are sometimes. As you will see above, I have commented that my own DP is exactly the same. OP didn't appear to be looking to have her DH diagnosed with ADD or ADHD over the internet, she appeared to simply want to have a moan about him IMO. I'm sure she would of mentioned that she suspected it herself.

I am in no way trying to trivialise what people with ADD or ADHD have to deal with on a daily basis, but my own opinion is that sometimes, people see one small thing that could be characterised as a disorder and are quick to slap a label on it when the could be perfectly reasonable explaination. This might sound like a stupid example but stay with me, im trying to make a point - say when you see a woman you know and she maybe put on a few pounds around the middle - people are so quick to speculate of she's pregnant. When the truth is, no, she just got a bit fat. Does that make sense?

So calm your tits

I get that :) It's just that when you come across this kind of thing several times a week... it gets a bit wearing. It would be nicer to state something in a different way is all, rather than putting across the impression (which I'm sure you did unintentionally!) that anybody with a "label" is just making excuses.

No no no I am fully aware that it is a very real thing.. But in some cases it does get thrown around a bit willy nilly and I'm sure that does make it a lot harder on people that are actually genuinely affected. Like I said, no offence meant.

Sorry if the wording comes across wrong again but I don't know how else to phrase it. I hope you get my point.

I xposted with your later post but the point still stands - I'll add a quick ps about why I do think it's worth mentioning.

You're right that the majority of people who sometimes wane their interest from a conversation don't have any kind of disorder perpetuating this behaviour, it's definitely on the scale of normal human behaviour and it can be an irritating thing which is just a part of a wider personality. Indeed, I'm sure every single person on Earth has at some point ignored a conversation, and clearly not everybody has a disorder.

But it is useful to mention things when it is relevant, especially when a couple of related things are mentioned at the same time, because general information is always useful. I probably wouldn't have known that I have ADHD myself without reading some throwaway comment about "Oh my X does this and it's because they have ADHD". Of course it took quite a lot more examination (by professionals) than that comment, but it opened up a possibility to me that I hadn't thought of or realised could manifest in that way before, and ultimately it made a big difference to my life to find out about. I never would have done the further research which led to me seeking the consultation which gave me answers without somebody making comments like that.

I try not to - and I haven't seen anybody on this thread - present something like it's a definite or a must, it's more of a suggestion of whether the person might have a suspicion it could be caused by X. Sometimes it's relevant/helpful, others not. And I hope most people would just move on if they don't find it helpful. It's not always clear whether somebody is looking for answers or just a venting space. And to my mind, I'd always rather have more information than less, and I think it's a topic which is not very well understood. Perhaps it is getting a little oversaturated online, though.

I understand and I also dislike the trend of people saying "Oh I'm so ADD today!" "I'm so OCD about my dishwasher!" "I feel so depressed!" to describe a transient mood or minor quirk because it does trivialise things. But equally, I feel like pleas to "not slap a label on everything" trivialises the disorder as well. That's my feeling - is all I was trying to say :) No hard feelings.

I also dislike the trend of people saying "Oh I'm so ADD today!" "I'm so OCD about my dishwasher!" "I feel so depressed!" to describe a transient mood or minor quirk because it does trivialise things.

^ Totally agree with this point by the way. Its kind of what I was getting at.

Bold fail

Stepping aside from the minor bun fight above, I could be your DH

My DH says the same thing about me. Not sure if I've heard, zones out. I have one of the diagnoses listed above and it has been a revelation. I thought I WAS just an ignorant fuck, because I have long been told I'm rude, ill mannered or just daydreaming.

Actually, no I have a mild processing disorder, if someone says something You have to think about what they've said, thEn think of a reply, and I think slowly, so I get shouted at WHILST I'm still thinking, or the question repeated impatiently.

With effort I can be a little more on the ball at work, in meetings etc, but it is seriously exhausting. Trying to say 'if he can listen at work then he can do it at home, therefore is just being an arse' is like saying 'well you ran a marathon this morning why can't you do one now, you're just lazy'

I found it useful to look up about ADD. I think if my partner had some kind of full-blown disorder of this type there would be other things that would have caused problems in his life.

But I think his mind and attention does work in particular kind of individual/quirky way - so you could argue there were one or two traits.

And it's because he's essentially a well-meaning person who doesn't want to upset me or distress me, the sudden outbreaks of inattention can be really odd. He's not in any conventional sense of the word, an arrogant person.

Ask him to repeat what you said back to you. Keep on asking him, until you know he's actually started to listen and hear you. Tell him very pointedly that it is because you are tired if being ignored.

Or ask him if he wants 'x' or 'y' and if he doesn't respond say 'ok, either then' or 'clearly you don't mind so i'll choose' and then follow through. He will get annoyed at never being given choices but too flipping bad.