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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think this is a good enough reason to split up?

22 replies

Beefles · 19/07/2016 18:35

Posting on behalf of friend who is with me so really trying not to drip feed.

Friend (let's call her Charlie) has been with her DP for 3 years (near enough). Charlie has a child from a previous relationship and her DP acts as step dad. Occasionally dc calls her DP "dad". There have been mixed feelings regarding this for multiple reasons but sometimes her DP is okay with it, sometimes it makes him uncomfortable because he isn't the child's bio dad and the kids real dad is sometimes (but rarely) around. Dc actually refers to his real dad by his real name despite being told repeatedly that it's disrespectful (although in my own petty opinion I think the kid is right) .

Charlie wants another child and to get married. She doesn't mind when this happens but has started to feel like she wants to make plans. I've personally always felt like Charlie's DP pulls away from commitment and Charlie has always said he wanted the same as her as he told her when she asked. But now it seems he was just placating her. He has gone from saying "one day" to "I just don't want marriage or kids". Charlie felt for a short while that maybe he would go back to saying "one day" but after speaking to me we both feel he has been stringing her alone somewhat. Charlie wants a family who can accept her, her son and any subsequent children. Charlie recently said to he DP that if he didn't want what she wanted then it would probably be best to split up. He seems to think this is ridiculous and not a reason to give up on a good relationship.
I feel I know what the answer is but so its not just my opinion helping her out, can the rest of you lovely lot give your opinions on this please?
I've been in a similar situation to her and I feel like my opinion would be biased because I would just repeatedly scream "run away" at her for 45 minutes straight or until she actually left him.

OP posts:

Peppapogstillonaloop · 19/07/2016 18:44

She wants marriage and kids he doesn't. They are not remotely Compatible in a fundamental way.. Sorry but it is more than good enough reason to leave him. The son calling him dad thing is a massive show of his true feelings.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 19/07/2016 18:50

Of course its a good enough reason to split up! The dp is either hard of understanding or a bit of a twat to think this is not a good enough reason to end a relationship.

Planty18 · 19/07/2016 18:54

Hmm, this is difficult but let me share my situation. I was with my now husband for a long time and we had discussed getting married at some point in the future within the first six months after falling in love, but after a number of years (a lot!) i wondered why nothing was happening, although timing hadn't been good for various reasons.Anyway, we talked about it and suddenly he said 'ah I'm not sure anyway, don't really think marriage is all that important anyway.' I was very upset and questioned whether I wanted to be with him. Anyway I decided i wanted a relationship with him and a family (he'd said he did want that!) so just accepted it. Skip forward a few months, our anniversary comes up, he surprises me with a secret trip away and an extremely romantic proposal! He had actually already had the ring when he gave me the line about not wanting to get married. I told him he's lucky I didn't leave but in his bloke mind he wanted to really surprise me perhaps her dp just wants to tackle the commitment thing when he's ready but it just depends on how your friend feels. You can't see inside someone's head so if it's worrying she should talk to him really seriously about it ... Or give him a few months!

AcrossthePond55 · 19/07/2016 18:55

He seems to think this is ridiculous and not a reason to give up on a good relationship.

It's not a 'good relationship' for her though, is it?

It's not a good reason to split to her DP because he's getting what he wants. But it's a very good reason for 'Charlie' to split because she is NOT. Time for her to move on, IMHO, before she wastes any more time on him or runs out of time for the additional child(ren) she wants.

fassbendersmistress · 19/07/2016 18:57

I wonder what he thinks is a good reason to split if not this? If a man I was with announced he didn't want kids then I would pack up my DC and get out quick!

branofthemist · 19/07/2016 18:57

I think it's an excellent reason to split up. However him changing his mind isn't the same as stringing her along.

The difficulty is that is marriage and kids aren't a big deal to a person then can find it hard to understand why it's a relationship ended, for some.

She needs to leave. If he tries to make her stay by agreeing to it, she will always question wether he did actually want to do it and he will likely be a hands off husband and dad.

KittensandKnitting · 19/07/2016 18:57

It's a very good reason to end the relationship, it is not compatible at all.

Feel really sorry for the DC, how confusing that one day his step-dad is dad the next he is "Bob" because the adults can't decide.

Of course he thinks it a good idea to continue the "good" relationship, as its ok for him at the minute, your friend on the other hand wants something completely different.

Fannydoesit · 19/07/2016 18:59

I had one like that. Went from "marry me" to I think I may have proposed a bit too quickly (lol) in a matter of weeks. Then it was "I'm not sure I'm in love with you, but we have a great relationship so let's stay together"... Blah blah blah. I stayed, hoping that he would love me again. He didn't, but kept urging me not to "throw a good relationship away". I left because I woke up one day and realised I deserved so much better than a man who wouldn't commit to me.

If she feels like he's stringing her along, he probably is. Definitely a good reason to split up, in my books.

MollyTwo · 19/07/2016 19:01

Yanbu it's a very good reason to split up. Those are life changing commitments and if he isn't on the same page as her then they aren't compatible. Get her to read a few threads on here about women who Waited foolishly for their dps to change their minds, or hope for 'one day' and then wake up and realize it isn't going to happen.

FlattenedWhite · 19/07/2016 19:07

Look, there's no point demonising the guy - if he's changed his mind, he's not wrong to say it. He's not wrong not to want marriage and children - that's a completely valid choice. People change. The only thing that seems ridiculous is him being surprised she would break up with him over it, as if he can't see that it's a fundamental incompatibility. You can't have a slight marriage and a bit of kids the odd time. She's not wrong to be upset, either, obviously.

But I don't blame him at all for not wanting a child who does see his biological father, even if only occasionally, to call him 'dad'.

RaspberryOverload · 19/07/2016 19:12

I think Charlie's DP probably hasn't wanted DCs at all, and the "one day" was just to avoid coming right out and saying that.

Charlie needs to make a decision. Based on the OP, I'd say it's unlikely that the DP will change his mind into wanting DCs. But Charlie does want more.

This means they are basically incompatible. And it IS a good reason to end the relationship. But for the DP, he's getting what he wants right now, so of course, he's not going to want to end it.

I've seen people who hang on in a relationship hoping that one day the bloke will change his mind and want DCs, and then realise too late it's never going to happen.

So Charlie needs to decide if more children is more important than the relationship.

KirstyJC · 19/07/2016 19:14

She doesn't need his permission to end the relationship.

It isn't a good relationship if she isn't getting what she needs out of it. She ought to decide if she can live with no kids or marriage for him, or not. If not - it's over.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 19/07/2016 19:18

YANBU - it's a very good reason to split up. They want completely different things out of a relationship. He is telling her what he wants and what is important to him. She knows what is important to her: marriage and children. Sometimes there just isn't a place to meet in the middle and trying to pretend there is, just prolongs the agony for everyone.

Arfarfanarf · 19/07/2016 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Beefles · 19/07/2016 19:26

its hard for me to make statements without being in the relationship. She's seemed pretty happy for three years although the complaints she has confided in me usually consist of him telling her what he thinks she wants to here and then retracting when I suits him. I think he comes across as very selfish a lot of the time which is great for him but not in a family environment. I love my honorary nephew and the thing I'm most worried about is him being messed about and I think if she is in a relationship with this guy then he needs to show the child that it's not okay to make promises and then never keep to them. I wouldn't think anyone would mind a few times but this is every time something important comes up. Example, they had an issue with how little time they spent together due to how much her DP worked (main job and a little side business he had going). She said she wanted more time with him than every few weekends and would it be possible that she could have weekends with him. He agreed it was far too much work and agreed to keep weekend and holidays and their time. Cue their next holiday (the day of their anniversary) and he left her alone to work for someone else... He then shouted at her saying she forced him to lie and say he wouldn't work so much. This isn't how their relationship is all the time but you get the picture right? I'm pretty worried about her sometimes because she rarely puts herself first and he could very easily take advantage of that if he wanted to and I think he might do quite a bit. He acts like she's controlling when they have these arguments and she accepts it and apologises for being "clingy" but to me all she did was ask if he would work less and see her more. I don't think she would have taken it badly if he said he had to work. worst case scenario she would have said "we don't spend enough town together to make it a relationship" but he made it so she felt bad even for asking.

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/07/2016 19:26

She does not need a reason but if she did this would be one of the best ones going

SonicSpotlight · 19/07/2016 19:30

She wants marriage and more children and he doesn't. That's a perfect reason for splitting up.

mum2Bomg · 19/07/2016 19:32

I'd advise her to make her feelings clear and set a time frame. I.e. I understand how you feel but if we don't move the relationship on by X date then I will have to consider if this is what I want.

I told my (now) husband that I didn't want to get married after 35. I wasn't being manipulative I meant it. He proposed and we were married two weeks before my 35th birthday and now we are having a baby.

She needs to really think about what she wants and mean it. She can't just say it to get a reaction. She's entitled to make her own life plan. X

SonicSpotlight · 19/07/2016 19:33

'A man who ... thinks that as long as he's happy, a relationship is great.'

This too.

Planty18 · 19/07/2016 19:41

With that additional info about them spending time together, him making her feel guilty it does not sound like a good relationship for her or her dc at all. I think your gut instinct is right - and hers. Probably best to move on.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/07/2016 19:41

She should start her own thread and give her own point of view. From what you've said, it is a no-brainer but I bet she sees it as more complicated than that. Does she actually want advice? Are you pushing her into making a decision before she is ready?

expatinscotland · 19/07/2016 19:45

Time for her to move on. They're not compatible. He also sounds like he's stringing her along and a bit self-centred.

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