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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Visiting ILs Genuinely dont know if iabu?

49 replies

Threeboysandus · 18/07/2016 22:21

My Sil lives abroad , Not too far only 40 mins on flight. she has lived there for about 8 years and i have visited maybe 5 times (only once with my children). She is home about 3 times a year for over a week at a time so see her a lot.

She cant come home this summer and mil is putting pressure on me to visit. Dp has started new job so cant take any time off but i have 2.5 weeks off soon. Sil has only been home for two weeks about 6 weeks ago and it was full on because they were staying in our house (5 kids combined ). I havent had time off since xmas so was looking forward to having the time off with the dc's and said i might just head away down the country for a couple of days with my mum. Mil is seriously putting pressure on me though. started off by saying every couple of days how upset sil is that she cant come home this year and would i not go over for a few days.

I am a nervous flyer ad wouldnt fly with kids on my own so it would involve a ferry trip and 4 hours on train with three young kids! mil said again today would i really not consider visiting as i have so much time off work. She has offered to take my kids (which is a really generous offer i know) if i go alone. I just feel manipulated into it all.

Am I being really selfish? I just feel like we see so much of them during the year, i dont really want to spend my time off visiting them when i could be at home with the kids.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 19/07/2016 18:58

I think referring to your MIL's house as SIL's home when your SIL's home is in another country confused things rather than just saying SIL lives abroad but is visiting her mum, or are all these SIL's very young and have only just left the parental home so don't think of their own houses as home yet? They all sound too enmeshed for my liking.
I love my dad but have no desire for him to try telling my husband he should go and visit my brother and sister just because he had a few days holiday.

Alpies · 19/07/2016 19:14

You work which means u don't have as much time with ur kids so any time off should be special moments with your kids. Tell your MIL that you want to spend time in your home alone with your kids and that the pressure she is putting on you is unreasonable.

I think MIL is beyond unreadonable tbh. You've just hosted her daughter for 2 weeks and she wants u to give up time with your kids to go abroad to visit her daughter??

Even is SIL is close to you, your priority during your time off should be your kids, your husband and your home. Tell her that and make it clear is non-negotiable.

Put yourself and your family first instead of MIL emotional needs.

AyeAmarok · 19/07/2016 19:17

When did you last see your mum?

Can you just say something vague like "my mum needs my support at the moment so I'm spending my holiday with her"?

RaspberryOverload · 19/07/2016 19:30

With all this tooing and froing with the ILs, how much time do you actually get to spend with your parents and wider family?

The kind of schedule you're describing right now doesn't seem to leave much time to visit your mum, etc if you're working.

And if one SIL can't spend some time on her own while the other is home with mum for a couple of weeks, needing you to go out there, then that's not your problem.

So go visit your mum.

Original poster

Threeboysandus · 19/07/2016 19:42

I see my mum every day too. We all lie near eachother. I think I'll just put the foot down. I have an important interview whe I retur from hols and need to prep for that top. Thank you all! Was just doubting myself as have never lived away and I know it must be lonely sometimes.

OP posts:

Marylou2 · 19/07/2016 19:48

Interested that your DHL doesn't want to say anything to MILAN as it will cause awkwardness. For MIL presumably as it seems as though you are already in a very awkward situation. Is MIL of low emotional intelligence that she doesn't pick up on your wishes or is there an underlying cultural issue that allows her to dictate to you like this? Either way it's your DHs job to tell her to back off.

Marylou2 · 19/07/2016 19:50

DHL sorry should be DH. Silly autocorrect. I shouldn't be blaming a delivery service 😆

AbyssinianBanana · 19/07/2016 20:02

I love you MIL, but my own mother wouldn't dare tell me how I should spend my holiday time so I'm not sure why you feel it is appropriate for you to do so. Your "hints" are actually really off putting and make me want to visit her even less now.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/07/2016 20:06

In these situations I find it best to stop justifying your decision to others.

If you feel the need to engage at all you could try:

"We talked about this quite recently MIL. I am not going to visit SIL this time. Talking about my decision seems to upset you so let's talk about something else."

"MIL, I have explained this to you already. Why won't you accept my decision? I am getting upset that what SIL wants is more important than what I want. I don't want to discuss my holiday options with you any more."

Original poster

Threeboysandus · 19/07/2016 22:14

Marylou, sorry I don't know if I typed that wrong. My Dp wants to say something, I don't want him to. She is of low emotional intelligence. She can be very kind and has some lovely traits but she also has a tendency to bully who she sees as weak. She would never tell Dp or ail what to do on holiday. She sees me as a weak link.

OP posts:

Original poster

Threeboysandus · 19/07/2016 22:16

I am doubting myself because sil is involved now too. She also has a tendency to bully and dominate when she is allowed to. She was at it yesterday. In fact every time they come back to visit we hear about how we never visit them. It's ridiculous.

Also mil was saying yesterday that it's costs them a bomb everytime thy come which I don't dispute but they choose to come for 4-6 weeks every year...it's not my problem!

OP posts:

StillCounting123 · 20/07/2016 08:03

Sounds OP that they just need to lump it. SIL chose to move overseas, and thus needs to learn that that is where she picked to live and it's not appropriate to expect everyone to jump to her tune.

I have a similar SIL, although she lives a few hours flight away.

Just be firm. You only get a set amount of annual leave from work, use it the way you think is best - with your DC, husband and own family/friends.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 20/07/2016 08:10

My eyes are definitely rolling...
You've seen them and hosted them 6 weeks ago...
And mil wants you to go in a flight to see the same people to lessen her anxiety....??

Um....??
No is a complete answer....!

P1nkP0ppy · 20/07/2016 08:19

Golly, I do feel for you, that's almost bullying from your MIL. Your DH must stick up for you, how dare she order you around.
I do hope you don't buckle under the pressure, it's definitely out of order.

MorrisZapp · 20/07/2016 08:29

Is this a cultural thing? I've never heard anything like it in my life.

2rebecca · 20/07/2016 08:33

I wouldn't want to spend all my holidays visiting relatives. Some people do their choice. Your SIL is mainly visiting her mum though with her brother being handy. They seem to forget you aren't their family. Would SIL's husband if she had one be nagged in to visiting without her? If not it is sexist bullying best ignored. See less of them and maybe tell them she isn't your sister and your husband can't go

Inertia · 20/07/2016 09:41

Ignore, and don't be bullied.

Original poster

Threeboysandus · 20/07/2016 09:41

No not cultural! We are Irish! It's mad really. I put it up here for advice and thought maybe a few ex-pats might come on and say how lonely it is abroad and that they love when people make an effort!

I don't want to give much more away about the family but we do see a lot of mil. The sil that is over at the minute is loaded and can afford to visit often, she also has 1-2 foreign holidays a year where as we don't. Any small breaks we have we like to spend as a family. Dp loves his family but 2 days is enough every now and again where as sils spend every day together.

Sil would go mad if her in laws tried to Dictate that she visit them. To be fair her dh does visit her but sil never goes.

OP posts:

Original poster

Threeboysandus · 20/07/2016 10:03

I'm actually getting really angry. How dare they try to manipulate us. In fact every time sil (sorry I will call sil 1 the one they want me to visit, and sil 2 the one that's here visiting at the moment) sil2 makes smart comments every time she is home that we haven't spend enough time with her Yet she expects us to see her every slday SHE is free! If she is busy (which she is a lot as obvs visiting her friends etc) it's fine but if she is free and we are busy she has a face on her. I'm sick to the teeth of it. Sil1 is a really close friend of mine but unfortunately with kids, plus a full time degree in too busy to get over regularly. I am just going to say it out straight the next time they say it to me. But I know they will manipulate it to make me look unreasonable. They will twist it and say they just want to spend time with us etc.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 20/07/2016 10:18

Sometimes to get the power balance equal in a relationship you have to accept that the other person might get huffy. So what if SIL2 gets huffy, you aren't that bothered about spending a lot of time with her anyway. I would stop making your husband's family in to your problem. See them if it's convenient don't if it isn't. Get on with your life. If they choose to get huffy they choose to get huffy.

2rebecca · 20/07/2016 10:25

I wonder if being Irish might be cultural though. My Irish friends (I have 3 of them 2 northern 1 southern) seem to have far more extended family battles than my Scottish or English friends. The family matriarch seems far more of a thing there, and my Catholic friends feel guilty about it all as well. They also seem to spend all their holidays visiting each other and then moaning about it.

Original poster

Threeboysandus · 20/07/2016 11:19

Rebecca, you're so right. I don't know why it bothers me so much. Dp would have your mentality and o should try ignore it too.

Maybe it is an Irish thing. My mam would be pissed off if we didn't see her every few days too.

OP posts:

Magicpaintbrush · 20/07/2016 12:42

Your in-laws sound like really hard work. Your MIL needs to back off massively. This isn't the school playground and you are a grown adult who can make decisions for herself without being bullied - perhaps your in-laws don't realise this. The more they badger you into doing things you don't want to then the less you will want to be around them. I personally hate it when people are pushy like that, it gives me the rage!

AcrossthePond55 · 20/07/2016 14:53

But I know they will manipulate it to make me look unreasonable.

Unreasonable to whom? You know you aren't unreasonable and I'm assuming your DH does too. So who cares about any one else? The people who truly know and care about you also know that you DO visit as you are able and that you live a very busy life raising a family and improving your education.

You're letting MiL and SiLs get under your skin. Stop. If when they start in tell them you've already given them your decision and that you don't want to talk about it. Change the subject. If they persist leave or terminate the phone call. And I'd treat rudeness with rudeness and tell SiL2 that if she's so anxious about her sister being 'lonely', why doesn't she pay for her to come over, she can certainly afford to!

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