... to want to be a SAHP?

[LittleSausageFingers]

DS1 is 5 months old and I'm currently on mat leave. I got my PhD just over a year ago, then moved away from academia into an entry-level position in a communications agency. I've never been very career-minded, and I'm not particularly ambitious, but I've always been very academic and enjoyed learning, so took the advice of teachers/lecturers and ended up doing a PhD. If I could have my time again I would have chosen something more vocational, but hey ho.

My job have offered me 3 days a week when I return after a year. It's a flexible company, close to home, I don't really enjoy the work, but it's not horrendous... I feel like I'd be stupid not to go back. But, I really just want to stay at home while my son (and any potential future DC) is little. I love being a mum, and I want to be the one he's with every day. If I go back to work the vast majority of my salary would go on childcare (I don't earn much, due to it being an entry level position, but there is the potential to earn more if I work my way up the company, although I'm not sure how realistic that would be on part-time hours). DH earns well, so with some financial readjustment we would be fairly comfortable on his salary.

I feel a lot of pressure (not from DH, he's happy either way) from most of my family and some friends that I should go back to work, that if I don't all of my education will be for nothing. I'm worried that if I wanted to go back to work in, say, 5 years (which I will), I'll be completely unemployable as I'll have no recent experience but would be ridiculously over-qualified.

So AIBU to want to take the time out now to raise a family, and run the risk of struggling to get back to work in the future? Would I be stupid not to take the part time hours at my job - I know a lot of people don't have the luxury of being able to do PT.

As an aside, I've always loved the idea of teaching, I've taught while studying and loved it. Would love to train as a teacher in the future, when DS is at school, but again worried that years out of the workforce would negatively affect this.

Thanks for reading.

I think 3 days a week is a great balance. Personally I'd go back to work and see how it went rather than burning your bridges.

Also, that you may feel entirely differently when your child is 1, 2, 3 ...

I think, as well as things like future earning potential, you should think about your relationship dynamic with your DH. In the short-term, the two of you will have quite different day-to-day lives, you will be in charge of all things domestic, he will have a work life away from the home – I think that can create a lot of distance between couples. My DH and I work in the same field (not for the same employer) and we really enjoy being peers – discussing workplace dynamics and trends and stuff – I think I would find it really hard to lose that type of companionship we have. That specific point may not apply to you but I do see some couples drifting apart because they don’t really “get” each other’s day to day lives any more.

In the longer term, if you stay at home for 5 years, when you do go back to work, the adjustment will be quite difficult – your DH will be used to not having to think about childcare at all, he probably won’t be used to doing much around the house, he is likely to be significantly out-earning you and so it won’t be that straightforward for you to reset to both of you working and both doing domestic stuff.

I think, in your position, I’d be inclined to go back to work and see how it went – if you try it for a couple of months and hate it, you can always quit.

Take the 3 days.

I'm a SAHP and I utterly fucking loathe it. I mean, really, really, loathe it. I am skill-less - it doesn't matter what I used to be, I've been out of the workforce for 8 years, I'm unhirable - and feel completely cut off from society. I pretty much spend any free mental moment fantasising about having a job, how amazing it must be to have a job, what it must feel like to have SOMETHING to do today other than hang up socks or drop kids off at various schools/nurseries etc. People to talk to. That's what I miss the most. People. Right now the only human contact I get is the greeting of a shop cashier. And yes, the kids. But really it's nice to talk to adults once in a while.

We're on various waiting lists for after-school clubs, childminders, blah blah, doesn't matter because the lists never get any shorter. No childcare, no job.

My advice to anyone thinking it's all baking cookies and walks in the park - just don't. Don't do it. Part-time in a real, tangible career is an absolute godsend and will keep you independent.

Whatever you decide your education will never have been wasted. It has made you who you are, your education was for you and you alone. If you decide to be a sahp you will not lose your qualifications and they may possibly help you get back into work once your children are school aged.

ken where have you been all my life?

I went back to work part time when my eldest was 5 months old and tbh despite actually really enjoying my job I found that I just wanted to be with child. I hated the childcare juggle when she was sick or the nursery was closed or I had to work weekends at the same time as my husband.

When I fell pregnant again we decided I'd stay home and I love it. Yes it can be dull, and I sometimes miss my work life but I love being home for school drops and pick ups, for events, for illness, for teacher days etc.

My third child starts school sept 2017 and I've had a lot of shock reactions that now all my kids will be in school I should be working. But I don't need to, we're far from well off but it's worth it to be home.

Why are you in an entry level communications job? Speaking as a phd who left academia myself, I do think you can probably do 'better' than this in terms of pay and intellectual fulfilment (depending I guess on your phd subject and where you did it/your undergrad). Are you sure you haven't just landed an uninspiring job and are now thinking that ft parenting is preferable? Nothing wrong with being a ft parent if you can afford it, but it would be a shame to do it only because you found yourself in a lacklustre job immediately after your doctorate.

Also personally I received quite generous funding from the government and my university during my phd, and this did make me feel that I had an obligation to make a public contribution to society with the skills I learned (ie in addition to the contribution made as a parent). If this is the case for you then you might want to think about that side of things, ethically speaking.

Finally, although being a parent is a valuable role, I think that it is also important that in the future the higher echelons of all careers a are occupied by both men and women equally. I think it's bad for society overall that public life and the professions are dominated by men. Personally, this means that as someone with a high level of education I feel a moral obligation to continue in my career.

I appreciate that not everyone thinks in community/moral terms like this bust thought I'd share my perspective.

This sounds cheesy but honestly you will never get back what you miss, if you don't have to work I wouldn't while they're little. I don't. It's not worth it, imo when you get into the depressing subject of mortality what would you have really like to spend your time doing? I think you already know the answer, don't regret it, i missed a couple of months from DC1 (as in not being there all the time) and it's one of my biggest regrets.

I agree with myownprivateidaho - it doesn't have to be a choice between between "job I'm indifferent to" and "staying at home with lovely baby". When you envisage your life in 10 years time, what would be your dream scenario?

I think it's been said on similar threads before: don't base long-term decisions on short-term feelings.

Also, you say that you would have done something more vocational if you could have your time again. What would you have done and why can't you do it now?

Completely agree with myownprivateidaho.

I know that plans and interests change, and that plenty of people come out of a PhD knowing that academia's not for them, but it is frustrating to see a place and/or funding used on someone who was never particularly passionate about the field.

So I can understand your family's perspective: no, education is never wasted, but after (for example) 3yrs undergrad, 1-yr MSc and 4-yr funded PhD, it's not just about your own education. It's reasonable to expect some kind of development or commitment or... something, even if you're just applying your skills in a different field.

And, practically, leaving work now is not something to take lightly, because that's going to be a very difficult CV to present in 5 years. 3yrs higher ed; 3-5yrs postgrad; immediate switch to entry-level unrelated job; leave that within 1 yr; stay out of workforce for 5 more years. It's not so much the content as the pattern that makes employers wary.

Why are you in an entry level communications job?
I'm guessing OP means scientific/pharmaceutical comms job? Entry level for most of these roles is with a PhD, or an excellent masters and exceptional skills at a minimum, so it's quite commensurate with OP's quals.

I'd go for it - I had to go back to work when mine were 5-6 months old and didn't want to leave them but had no choice.
Staying at home doesn't have to be boring, there are loads of things you can do & you can make a nice routine for yourself so your week doesn't drag.
Teaching isn't especially family friendly for 39 weeks a year with needing to be in school early and parents evenings/meetings/after school sessions etc... It's great in the school holidays obviously.

I was a SAHP until my youngest started primary school. It is more difficult to get back into the job market. I was in a similar position, over-qualified but no recent experience so did exactly what you are considering and re-trained as a secondary school teacher. It is stressful and hard work but I love it and don't regret either my time as a SAHP which I loved or re-training.

Having taught at uni and in secondary schools, I have found teaching at uni much more enjoyable, relatively stressfree (compared to secondary school teaching at least) and rewarding. It also allows for more time off/spending time with children. If you get an hourly paid position you will be free off any commitments (and meetings!) outside of term time too. Oh and you won't need to complete a gruelling pace either!

Pgce, not pace!
HE teaching will also help you retain your sanity and a good balance between work and home life. You will still be a mother first. Not sure it'll be the case with schools.

I would take the part time job. I have too many intelligent well-qualified friends who have been SAHP whilst their kids were little and now just cannot get a job. One has recently been turned down as a stand-by dinner lady-she was so upset, she cried.

I also know women whose husbands have left them, got ill and even very sadly died who were SAHM and were totally screwed.

My ds is 9 months and if we ever magically were rich enough I'd not go back to work. I too am an ex academic (scientist) who now works in industry.

The clincher for me would be that they've offered you a 3 day week. That is amazing! Seriously it's the best of both worlds. You keep a foot on the ladder, you will earn more in time, your pension is still active and you see adults. Plus as a pp says, you've not really started your career yet. Keep the three day weeks up and by the time they are school age you'll be in a good position to take something more senior.

At six months I couldn't imagine wanting to go back. Now he's starting to notice other kids and I think he will genuinely enjoy daycare. If I could go back three days a week I'd weep with joy!

You don't have to decide yet.

Keep working part time. However, I went back to work when baby was 6.5m as I hated being at home full time.

Five months is still very early to make this decision, but I will say that if you've got a job that you can go back to on your terms, I would grab it with two hands.

Part time jobs for parents are ridiculously difficult to come by. I've tried. Most get lots and lots and lots of applicants. After a few years out, you are at the bottom of the pile already and you may find it difficult to get back into it.

At the end of the day, do whatever works for you and your family. You are the only ones who need to be happy about your decision. And an education is NEVER wasted. So don't worry about that.

I wish I'd been a SAHM. Now they are at school I feel it more keenly. Toddler years are hard, mine went to nursery and it was a well deserved relief at times, but you will be entitled to that regardless of work or not. I'm in a similar job, entry level, not great earning and all money goes on childcare for holidays now.

I am considering becoming a SAHM now, to help with homework etc, I didn't get a pay rise even inline with inflation, I haven't had any form of promotion in the 5 years since 2nd mat leave, my boss is a tosser anddh's earning potential is far greater than mine. I don't regret some of my working life just after mat leave BUT I do now. I've spent years of working for what is childcare money, I do have a pension but for the next 5 years at least I will be paying out more for cc than I'm earning during the holidays and only earning a little bit of pin money during term time.

However if you are considering another Dc in the next two years it is worth staying doing that and reviewing then :)
Ignore what others say, my working life appears to have been dictated by others and not myself or dh. Dh wld be happy for me to be a SAHM.
So I'm now reconsidering wrk life, I may not find it an easy thing to do to get back into work life later BUT I won't be stressed or work nights and I think my working life inhibits dh's opportunities at work as if he s free to enhance his career then we will be better off as a family.

Independence is a fine thing, but so is being a family unit, there is always a pressure as to 'what if dh leaves you?' But only you would feel comfortable answering that question :)

Thanks very much for these replies, just catching up now.

shouldwestayorshouldwego you've definitely given me something to think about there with the OU, i wasn't aware of those positions. Thanks.

throwingpebbles i do have savings. I keep on top of the family finances and am a bit of a saver. We'd be ok if i were to stay at home, if all things were to stay the same, but appreciate that's not a given... Due to being a pessimistic worrier, though, i have sorted out decent critical illness cover/life insurance etc!

myownprivateidaho entry level simply due to lack of experience in the field, but do have the opportunity to quickly work up through the company. Friends of mine who have PhDs and have gone into communications have worked their way up very quickly. My progression has been stalled by having a baby, and i imagine going part time will also affect this. I know what you mean about funding and wanting to "repay"... That is something i struggled with when i decided to leave academia. I comforted myself with the fact that i published a lot of papers and contributed to "the knowledge". Albeit in a tiny way!

Just to clarify, the field is related to my subject. I need the phd to do my job iyswim. SlightlyperturbedOwl you are bang on :-)

It's really interesting to hear other's experiences and opinions, i appreciate you taking the time to reply. I get that three days a week is an amazing deal, believe me, i know I'm lucky!

For those asking what i really want to do/dream scenario... I know this sounds ridiculously cheesy, but i always wanted to do something "good", for the betterment of mankind, which is why i went into science. Another reason that my current role doesn't sit too well with me. I'd love to teach, really i would, but the stress/long hours etc do put me off to some extent. I've been spending time looking into other options, but retaining often has a financial cost that would make life a bit trickier.

I wanted to be a vet when i was growing up, and I've no idea why i didn't persue it. I suppose a lack of confidence and a lack of good careers guidance. If only i could go back and have a work with my 16 year old self!

Ultimately, i don't want to look back at my life in x years time and think i wish I'd stayed at home/retained/gone back to work!

I'd be wary about the danger of becoming a SAHM as sort of 'get out' - so that you don't have to address your dissatisfaction with your career. Being at home can be great but give it a couple of years and you may find you're bored and are in an even worse position than before. Being out of the workforce for a while can leave you trapped - in the long run it is always better to keep a job going part time, even if it's not what you end up doing in the long run.

If you do go back to work you need to talk to your DH about him taking on his fair share of the logistics that being working parents involves.

If you take five years or more out of the job market, it'll be much harder to get back into it.

Admittedly I would have chewed my arm off rather than be a SAHP, though.