AIBU about DH and the laundry

[Cheby]

Need to know if AIBU. Because I feel a bit like murdering my DH at the moment!

I was bathing DD earlier and doing bedtime. Asked DH to pick up the delicates laundry pile from the bedroom and put it in the machine (this in itself pisses me off because he would never have thought to do it himself). Specifically asked him to put it on a wool wash and use the delicate detergent because it had DD's cashmere shrug in it, which is technically hand wash only but is ok if washed carefully.

This he managed to do. Great.

He also managed to somehow get one of my underwired bras in there with the clip unfastened. Shrug is now ruined with a massive hole in the cuff. I haven't checked my work dresses yet which were also in there. Can't face it.

DD doesn't have very many 'fancy' clothes, what with being 3, most of it is from supermarkets. But I loved this shrug and it was expensive for us (£40). I've looked after it carefully and it would have fit her for another year at least.

I am cross. I think normal grown ups give laundry a cursory check as it goes in the machine, especially when dealing with delicate fabrics, for exactly this sort of eventuality.

He thinks that is an unreasonable thing to expect and doesn't see why he should have thought to check the clothes, hence not his fault.

I have to check every bloody thing that goes in the machine because he never empties his pockets and our stuff gets covered in tissue fluff or we have coins battering round the drum while it washes.

So, AIBU or is he?

(This is pretty trivial, obviously, and not the end of the world, just one more thing on a long list of other things like this I guess).

[Hardtodeal]

Honestly I would probably have classed a bra as a delicate - the underwire is hardly a rogue razor blade.

[DoreenLethal]

Do you mean a plastic ziplock food bag? Does that really work?

No - a net bag. Otherwise the bra wouldn't get wet.

Someone asked me what a shrug was and they thought I had no idea.

[branofthemist]

So the bra was in the pile by accident?

And he didn't think to do it up, even though he didn't know it was there?

And yes my bras go in a delicate wash with other delicates. So again I would expect him to spot a bra and go 'oh that not a delicate wash item'.

It's understandable you are upset about the shrug getting ruined. But it's sounds like a genuine accident. I think your expectations of him knowing the bra was there (and shouldn't have been) and need fastening is unreasonable.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

I don't know what a shrug is but I once attempted to be helpful (to myself) and tried to wash an almost brand new incredibly expensive jumper that was one of only about 10 still availible anywhere and that I loved.

I ruined it and broke my heart just a little in the process.

I can still remember how the lace and fancy bits on it should have looked prior to my attempts and find myself becoming over come with emotion.

[StarryIllusion]

I always do them up and put them in a bag or pillow case. I wouldn't put them in with anything woolly or fluffy either, I thought that was just very basic common sense.

[c3pu]

"I'm just fed up of having to walk him through the basics"

Your laundry regime is a lot more advanced than mine... It's not that he can't work the machine and has absolutely no clue, but the finer points on what should and should not be washed together is dodgy ground indeed.

[LotsOfShoes]

Could have happened to anyone so yabu. That being said, my DH knows all about separating delicates, bras in bags etc because I told him all this a long time ago. If it's sth new and he doesn't know what to do with it, he doesn't put it in, he's quite careful with it all. So I can see why you're annoyed. I'd sit him down and talk about laundry basics so next time he knows what to do.

[arethereanyleftatall]

talk about making work for yourself! Just bung everything in together. Then relax.

I never knew that about bras either, but I recently bought a posh bra from a proper bra shop, and the lady said you should never put bras in the washing machine, should just hand wash them every time you go in the shower.

[arethereanyleftatall]

I reckon with my 'Bung everything in together' method, about 1 time in 100, sonething will snag, or go pink etc. But for me, that's worth it, for the daily lack of stress of not thinking about it.

[marriednotdead]

I would have washed the shrug on it's own if it was that liable to snag, sounds like a lesson learned for you both.

arethereanyleftatall, I work in a 'proper' bra shop and am pleased that someone heeds the advice! The only bra brand happy to advise machine washing used to be Fayreform, all the major brands say hand wash only.

[clam]

These "Bung everything in together" types, I presume they're the ones we see in greying T-shirts? Surely people should know not to mix whites with darks in the machine??

But I too am old and have done laundry for years. I had no idea you're meant to hook up bras before the wash.

And bollocks to whoever said their dh said, "I've done the washing for you." for you???

[AnecdotalEvidence]

I'm just fed up of having to walk him through the basics when we are both grown adults
But you've acknowledged that you always wash your bras - that's hardly the basics that a grown man should know unless he has been told. And the responses on here clearly show that most women don't do up bras.

Buy some washing nets. I use them for bras, anything with velcro and to keep socks together. They are invaluable.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I wash delicate woollens (and my alpaca-wool cardigan) on a cold wash inside a pillowcase.

Never have shrunken anything yet. Except some curtains once. And we don't talk about those.

I'd be happy with someone else even attempting to do the laundry tbh. Hey ho, it was a mistake, albeit an expensive one, but your DD would have grown out of the shrug sometime anyway. Let it go.

[Unicorn1981]

My dp has a really good method if he thinks the washing is getting out of hand. He'll say you relax/lie in/ do something else and I'll get a wash on- queue me getting to the wash basket faster than the speed of light! Oh and I just remembered, once we were saying with his sister and I did a wash for her. I ruined her £70(!) bra because it was hand wash only but I didn't realise!

[AdjustableWench]

I would NEVER dry clean cashmere. It needs to be put through the machine on the wool cycle with woolite (unless you hand wash, which I never bother to do because the washing machine is easier). I have quite a few cashmere jumpers - only because my mum is very generous; I couldn't afford it otherwise. And yes, I always do up my bras' many many hooks for washing.

Also, since my partner is intelligent and educated, I expect him to be capable of thinking through his approach to household tasks:
"Should I wash this bra with these cashmere things? The bra could be delicate... But wait: it has these metal clasps which could snag the more delicate cashmere. I'll put the bra in a separate load."
Any attempt on his part to consider the laundry my domain (as the resident woman) would be met with a raised eyebrow.

And frankly any adult man who hasn't washed bras before has led a rather sheltered life!

[A11TheSmallTh1ngs]

Just focus on the bigger issue. Don't even bring up the bra. It's stupid. It's not even why you're angry and you literally have no leg to stand on because nobody follows the stupid "washing rules" for bras that you've just made up!

• Most people would assume that bras are delicates.
  
• Most people have never heard that underwired bras need special treatment in washing. I have certainly never washed them separately from anything else and I am an "intelligent and educated" adult with many years experience of wearing bras.
  
• I've never fastened a bra in my life to wash it.
  
• The only bra rule that I've ever seen truly followed is to handwash them. So you've failed anway.
  

I would just focus on the overall picture of him not taking on the mental load because you are definitely going to lose this argument on its merits.

[wizzywig]

I dont fasten bras but i have a bra bag to put it in when i wash it.

[AnecdotalEvidence]

I am intelligent and educated, but it wouldn't occur to me to do up a bra to wash it or to avoid putting it in the same load as a delicate shrug.

If you want your washing done in a particular way, you either have to do it yourself or explain clearly to the other person, how you want it done.

[KittiesInsane]

If you bung a picture of the damage on here, someone might come up with a good way to fix or hide it.

(Nother one here who'd never thought to fasten a bra before washing it.)

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I just chuck bras in with the correct colour, unfastened, underwired or not!! Never had a problem.. Really don't think this deserves you raging at him, just one of those things.

[whois]

My mum had her machine break when the wire from an underwired bra came out. Hence I was trained from wearing bras to wash them in those net bags you can get from lakeland.

It is a shame the shrug was ruined, but I think he didn't really do anything too wrong. It is the kind of mistake lots of people could make.

I'm pretty lax about washing - but do manage to put bras and tights into the net bags, and separate out lights and darks.

[timeisnotaline]

I'm in the respect me crew. Dh now understands that any silk dresses or underwear destroyed because he has forgotten how to read will immediately be replaced new and come out of his pub budget ie no pub for the rest of the month. He now finds it worth 10 seconds to check a dress before it goes in the machine.

[Cheby]

I think people are reading things that aren't there; firstly I've already said I'm going to chalk it down to experience. I'm not sat here fuming, I've been at work and all is well between DH and I.

I didn't insist he did it; I asked if he could put the wash on because it needed doing and I was otherwise engaged in dealing with bedtime. Reasonable division of labour I thought, DH doesn't disagree. The clothes were predominantly mine, but also a lot of DDs too. And I'd washed all of his stuff earlier in the weekend. So I'm not making him wash my stuff for me. Again; division of labour.

By saying 'walking through the basics', I'm not just referring to this specific situation. We've been together for 7 years and for four of those the washing machine was like an unknown quantity to him. He's 35. I don't see why understanding how to use one to wash your own child's clothes should be beyond him. This is one example. i have hundreds. He pulls his weight if instructed to do something, if not it just doesn't happen. I carry the weight of organising EVERYTHING, from what we eat to buying DD's clothes, planning holidays, budgeting, buying all Christmas presents. If I give him a job he does it, otherwise it doesn't appear to cross his mind that things need doing. This gets tiring.

I didn't expect him to know how to wash bras. All I was expecting was that he would quickly check what he was putting in the machine. He knows that putting an underwired bra in the machine was likely to damage other stuff. He just didn't check what was going in there so didn't remove it. I think that's a normal part of doing the laundry. I accept others don't.

[Sallystyle]

Wouldn't have crossed my mind to fasten the bra either, but I shove everything together in the wash and don't own any delicate items.

I wouldn't have even thought to take the bra out either.