Not letting DD (9) play out?

[QueenOfTheWhiteWalkers]

Figured I'd put this here as I actually am wondering if AIBU.

We live in an incredibly bad area, it's pretty much a ghetto. Trying to move but it's nigh on impossible.

A month or so ago I let dd play out in the close pretty much because she was begging me. She's a complete social butterfly and makes friends wherever she goes. Unlike me, DH and dd1 (13) who are all introverts and avoid people as much as possible.

She made lots of friends and was having a great time playing out even though my heart was in my mouth the whole time. The kids she's made friends with are all roughly the same age as her and are pretty nice kids. But they all started hanging out with older teenagers playing rough and tumble games and the inevitable happened and dd got hurt. Came home crying and said she kept telling the boy (who was 13) to stop cos he was hurting her but he kept laughing and carried on.

This worried me obviously and they had started playing on all the bits of fly-tipped rubbish that is scattered around the close. It was reminiscent of the childhoods both DH and I had playing out in the shitty wastelands of Toxteth. And also of DSD who played out constantly (in the same area we're in now) and ended up getting caught up with the wrong crowd, stopped listening to us and obeying rules and ended up having something pretty bad happening to her. She's fine now and an adult but it has effected the course of her life and where she's ended up.

We decided to stop her playing out from then on and explained why in age appropriate terms. She accepted what we said, but on days like today when is hot and sunny and all her friends are playing out having water gun fights and she's standing at the window watching them. It makes me feel so guilty. She complains of being bored and asks if she can please play out.

It's making me wonder if we made the right decision? It's not like she's been stuck in all day we have been the park with the dog. But as soon as she gets back she sees her friends playing and wants to join them.

Without knowing how badly hurt she was, it's hard to say how reasonable it is to stop her playing with friends. Indeed, it reads like punishing the victim and doing so in a way that will discourage her telling you about bad things that happen to her.

Instead, I'd go with teaching her strategies for how to get away/where to go/what to say etc. if kids try to do that to her again. Emphasise that it's OK for her to do things she's otherwise not allowed to do to get away from people who are hurting her/to play to her strengths.

No one lets their kids out to play where we live. It just isn't done. They get taken to the park and to other days out though and then when they hit early teens start going to places with their mates - pre arranged destinations e.g cinema, free jumping etc or their mates come round and hang out.

I don't actually think it is mean at all, it really is only on MN that I see this opinion to be honest. I don't know anyone who lets their kids out to play in the street, either here where I am or anywhere else.

I think you have listed an awful lot of negatives to allowing her to go out, there has been repeated bad outcomes for her and for your dsd. I wouldn't be allowing it either. That said, I do ensure my kids get out on days like this, today we all went down to the river and I read my book while they ran and scooted around. You do have to make the effort to get them out if they don't do the playing out thing.

Yabu, let her play out. Apart from the fact its making her miserable for no reason, at 9 she needs to learn some independence.

I'm also a bit at the idea of not letting dc out till they're 11. No wonder there are so many parents worrying how their dc will cope getting to secondary alone or asking about after school clubs for teens.

I don't let my nine year old out yet, no-one really plays out here anymore which is a shame :-(. She is very young for her age though, I just can't imagine her out on her own for another couple of years yet.

In your circumstances YANBU.

I know usual. I read the OP.

My kids have been playing out since they were 3, but we live rurally and have only a few neighbours, a dead end country road and open fields so possibly not comparable.

That said, though id hate it, I still think you should let your dd out. As pp said, sit outside with a book, lay down strict rules about how far she can go, get her to check in every so often.

We can't keep our kids locked up, however tempting it is!

I'd let her play out.

Also, I hope all these people who don't let their kids play out, aren't underestimating how much exercise kids need.

I life in a fairly rough area, and during the Summer holidays some family dogs actually get more regular exercise than some parents allow their kids.

*live

I can see your reservations but I think YABU.

I have the same reservations as you, my boys are 7 and 4, the other kids are about 8-11.

I let them play out but only with supervision - I use the opportunity to sit in the doorway with a book and a cuppa. If I have stuff to do and don't want them out (if they weren't so young I'd consider it as the other mums do pop their heads out the door every so often but I think it's unfair to leave the supervision of a four year old to them) then I just say no and get them doing something else.

I'd let her out, but give her an easy 'out' if she needs it. Call her in after an hour or something.

Nicky I don't understand that just because it isn't done in your area then that makes it ok.

When will they be allowed to get on a bus to school or wherever? It's actually doing the children no favours to mollycoddle them. Staying in on their screens or going out with mum and dad is not the same as learning how to cope in real life street situations. and actually getting exercise, no wonder there's so many obese people nowadays

Weirdly enough Nicki, I was going to say the opposite of what you said, that it's only on MN that I have come across the idea that it's somehow risky or poor parenting to let children play out with friends.

My eldest is 10 and has pretty much grown out of wanting to play out, now it's a case of going to a friend's house or having a friend to ours. But she wasn't allowed to aimlessly wander round or go away off with friends, it was just playing in the cul de sac where we live, out the front with half a dozen others her age.

Having said all that, in the OPs circumstances I would be reluctant to allow it too. But maybe as a previous poster suggested, she could go out with the strict condition that if the older kids arrive, she comes back in? She'd hardly want to spend time with someone who hurt her anyway.

There is that Worra. I am very sporty though and my kids often come along for the ride, not always willingly but tend to enjoy once started. I run between 5 - 8 km 5 days a week and they either cycle or scoot along with me. I agree though that you really do have to make the effort to get them out and about if they are not playing out.

Nicky I don't understand that just because it isn't done in your area then that makes it ok

I don't think I said that did I? Just expressed an opinion, like every single other person on this thread. That is ok isn't it?

Put her in sports - it's great for girls to build self esteem and also socialization with the added benefit of learning to work with a team.

It's different if your dd has emotional or physical problems. Most kids know when things are going wrong and come home.

Can't imagine living somewhere where kids don't play out - must seem so dead and quiet. They all play out where I live, from around 3 years old, summer days are lovely and noisy.

Nicki - you are contradicting yourself
you said that it is only on mn that you hear of parents allowing their kids to play out.
But it has been pointed out that in OPs area it IS normal to play out, but you maintain that it isn't normal, so she shouldn't do it.

Where have I maintained that it isn't normal? Please quote me if I have. I have expressed an opinion based on MY own experience, no more than that. I have said that in MY RL I do not see anyone letting their children out to play on the street, it just does not happen. I am sure it IS normal in other places, it must be because people post that on here. I just personally don't know of it or see it in RL. I hope that clears up any misunderstanding.

That said most of the children I know are using London transport - buses, tubes etc from secondary school age onwards. I home ed one of mine and amongst his peers they all get handed oyster cards and pretty much told to get one with it from about 12/13 onwards, not mine as he has autism. They all manage because they are used to it. So I don't think independence is a problem really and from what I have personally observed, the tube probably offers more real life situations to and cope with than the average child playing out in a local cul de sac.

Thanks for your opinions and advice.

I've given in and let her out, told her she has to be in by 7.30 tonight because it's a school night. Also given her rules that she's to come in if her friends start playing with the older kids. I've just popped my head out and she's soaked from head to toe and laughing her head off. I'll have to talk to DH when he gets home about some proper ground rules and things if she's to play out over the summer.

Oh that's nice ground rules are good so is popping head out of door now and again.

Ah well done op, bet she's had a blast 😊