Who is BU, me or dd (19)?

[chewadoodle]

Welcome to my very first aibu?

Me & dd had a disagreement today & I'd like guidance. So, she asked me to take a parcel to the post office, it was shoes bought online that needed returning. Dd's college course ended 3 weeks ago and she's had the parcel waiting to go back all that time. She doesn't work and spends her days in bed until lunchtime, gaming, skyping or doing her hobbies. She does nothing to contribute to the running of the house. I refused to take the parcel for 3 reasons, 1stly, if I keep doing everything for her I'm only 'enabling' her laziness and it's about time she started taking responsibility for herself. 2ndly, I was really knackered having worked for 14hrs the previous day sewing an outfit for her holiday next week & I'm still in recovery from a nervous breakdown a few months back. 3rdly, our post office has enormous queues that snake out the door & I just couldn't face it. You could say I should have instilled a better work ethic in her years ago but for background, our last 5yrs have been catastrophic as a family with many deaths, two lots of life threatening illness, a major rebuild, divorce, redundancy and major surgery, so normal life went out the window. We're now on an even keel just about and I'm gently trying to help her make the transition to adulthood. So please tell me, was I being unreasonable? I'm considering showing her this thread to illustrate others views.

Tell her exactly why you wouldn't take her parcel to the PO (even though you were passing) and maybe she'll realise that she's now an adult and that favours are a two way thing.
What is her contribution to the home?

YANBU.
Up off your adult arse, darling!

I would have done it for a DD of mine, BUT:

The DDs (and DS) all have or had summer jobs and the PO is only open for certain hours daily
The DDs and DS help out at home, do their own laundry, etc.

Give and take is what matters. All give/all take isn't right.

I think you and DD need to sit down and talk when the dust settles on this row. I am guessing that you have argued before about what DD does with her time, or you might not have thought of showing her this thread. I don't think arguing is ever productive when someone clearly has some issues going on.

The problem with making a gesture like this on the spot as it were, as a means of addressing a situation that has been building for a few weeks, is that DD will be too invested in her pov about the parcel and how unreasonable you were, to accept the broader message you are trying to impart here, which is that she needs to show more initiative and take more responsibility for her own chores or tasks that need to get done.

I think you and she both need to step back here. ...gently help her move on in life... Yes, gently is key here, but you won't achieve that by butting heads.

You need to do more 'parenting' and gradually ease her into taking on full responsibility for her life. I don't think you will get anywhere positive by expecting a full fledging just because she has reached a certain age or finished a certain level of education. So make the doctor appointments. Make her a cup of tea or something nice that she likes for dinner.

You and she could meal plan together, work on the house together, cook together, wash up together, do laundry together, and also go out together - to the cinema, to get a facial, to get a lunch out, etc. Above all, prioritise spending time together.

For her part, she needs to commit to getting some chores done daily for you. She also needs to commit to making a list of things she needs to get done (like returning shoes).

*She needs to talk to the doctor when she gets there about the possibility that she is depressed.

Last week, I had a parcel that needed to be taken to the post office (about 4km from our house). I asked DH if he thought he would be passing by, and would he drop off the parcel?

He said it wasn't on his planned route for that day, so I took it myself.

End of. Your DD (who I am going to guess does not have a house or children to worry about) should also manage it herself if it is an inconvenience for you. And she should do it post haste, as returns are not blessed with unlimited time.

It's not your parcel and not your responsibility. Your DD has had 3 weeks so far to get it down there, and she is busy skyping. She could use that one-off skyping time to post it herself.

I wouldn't do it for her because she needs to realise that she had plenty of time to get it sorted, but CBA because she was doing other things that weren't a priority, like Skyping or gaming. Plenty of people go through rough times at some point in their lives, and not to the same extent that you have, but they just get on with life and do the stuff that has to be done because they have no other choice. No-one else will do it for them.

It's not a matter of whether you were going past the PO or not, it's the fact that your DD CBA to take her own parcel to the PO because she was being idle. Yes, it's the holidays, but life doesn't stop because you're off work/college.

It's her parcel and her responsibility. She's 19 and capable.

Taking of responsibility, she should be cooking a meal for you both each week and doing daily chores.

Stop making dentist and GP appointments for her. Ensure she has the numbers but let her make the calls.

If she was pulling her weight in the house (cooking, cleaning, tidying), then if it suited me I would take her parcel to the post office. However she's not behaving like a team member and is just wanting to be waited on hand and foot

I have an 11 year old DD. Yesterday she wanted me to take her to a shopping centre an hour from home to spend her savings.

I've told her I'd had a very busy week at work and lots to do in the home. I needed to get it all done before visitors on Mon and then all I really wanted to do was collapse on the sofa.

Without me asking DD - stripped all the beds and remade them, hovered her bedroom and mine, cleaned the bathroom and playroom. She did this whilst I was cleaning the kitchen and lounge.

Then when I saw what she had done she said "now all that's done and you can relax, do you think we could go to XX tomorrow?"

I said yes (then she plugged herself into YouTube and left me watching TV!)

If an 11 year old can do it (can work out how to get what she wants ) I'm astounded an 18 year old can't.

Three weeks and she hasn't bothered to do it hmm. I can see why she asked you as you were going right past and as others have said if she was working and nowhere near a PO then fair enough. No, her responsibility.
If you are working she should be responsible for some jobs while you are at work. Cleaning the bathroom, making evening meal etc. my daughter is much better for having gone to Uni.

Made in 1995
I think that is a lovely idea. My daughter got up and made my lunch one morning when she was here. I went off to have my shower and she made it as a surprise. It was lovely and gave me a warm feeling at lunchtime too.

Can I adopt your 11 year old Dallas?

OP YANBU. It would probably do her good to get out and about anyway. The sooner the better too or it might be too late for a refund.

I can see she was annoyed because you were passing .....but I can also appreciate if it always has long lines why it isn't just popping in. Personally I tend to use the drop at the corner shop pick up point type returns rather than brave the PO .

I think this is more about her relaxing and not helping you out a bit whilst you are working than the parcel itself ........and I can't say you are wrong to feel that way but sometimes you need to say what you want rather than just expect teenagers to think to do stuff.

YANBU.

Sorry, in so many ways your lazy 19 year old needs to lift her game. She's an adult. I'm appalled.

Look after yourself OP.

Dallas, that girl of yours will go far

Oh she will - I am under no illusions. She did all that because she knew an hour or so of 'pain' would get her what she really wanted. But hey, I'll take the help wherever I can find it

IT is about being a team. My 11 year old was in first from school so happily made her little brother a sandwich tea so he can get off to football. She does it because she can she her older sister used to do it for her. Big DD drives around with a car seat in her car, in case she is needed to take little one to breakfast club before work etc. Build you team op. I Second facials etc!

My mum would have done it.
I spent far too long not having to take responsibility for myself and it's caused me issues.