To ask If this sounds like delayed PND or am I Just a crap mum?

[c0nfusedmama]

I have changed name for this as I don't want it linked to my usual posts. Been a lurker for a long time (penguin bollards) and poster for a fair while.

Dd is almost 3, I adore her but I am struggling with her - I don't think her behaviour is anything out of the ordinary for her age but I am really struggling to cope. Dp works nights and whilst he is great when he is here I end up dealing with her on my own a lot. I have no support outside of dp.

On the surface it is nothing major, not listening, being over silly, throwing things, tantrums when she doesn't get her own way, flat refusal to do any hin she doesn't want to do. She is a smart child, her vocabulary and comprehension is far above her age according to HV.

I have previously suffered with depression and was diagnosed with Ante-natal depression when I was pregnant so have 3 monthly reviews with my HV but I find it difficult to talk to her about my feelings. Because of my struggling to accept being pregnant and feelings of it not being real we had to have a lot of meetings with social services etc. They closed the case with no further involvement but I hated being watched and I guess is why I am hiding behind smiles.

I just feel so utterly drained by everything. I have no energy, I am not sleeping, have out on lots of weight from comfort eating and not exercising. Because I just have no energy or inclination. I work a lot and feel horrifically guilty that dd is in childcare so end up over compensating at weekends so still not getting the rest. Even when I do get a chance to go to bed early I end up tossing and turning.

I don't feel like I have bonded properly with her, I do everything but I just feel like I am going through the motions.

Could it be PND/ general depression or am I just a really shit mum?

Omg op are you me??
You sound like we are so similar!

From the age of our child to the years not being able to have children to the mother with only an interest in our sisters child, moving heaven and earth to help them knowing how absolutely up shit creek we are with end of tether type stuff..........and no where to be seen.

I'm not a shit mum, neither are you.
I have questioned pnd as it wasn't until my older child was almost 3 that I was diagnosed and got ads. Only took them for a year, they helped I think.

Now my little one is 3 I feel the same. I think it is due to how hard work 3 year olds are. I'm driven demented by the tantrums, screaming, destructive behavior, no sleep, illness, mess, battles minute by minute to get anything done, running off, refusing to put clothes/shoes/coat/seatbelt/socks on, refusing to get in or out of the car, throwing things, bashing things, refusing to eat or drink, climbing, hitting, shouting,pissing/ shitting where they should not.............endless, relentless plus a full time job............
We are not shit, we are keeping it together, keeping them safe, loved and doing it all on the end of a thread, that's all.

Jimi it is all of those things!! And then there are days like today where she is perched on my lap, head on my shoulder watching that fucking brat Peppa pig and it doesn't seem so bad!
I

I do feel ungrateful and like I don't deserve my healthy happy children when I just want to get in my car and drive a million miles away.
But ask anyone, they will all have felt like that at some point.

Next week I'm off on leave, my little darling is still going to the child minders for 2 days, yes siree, I'm having 2 days to myself!
Going to have a bath...an actual bath on my own, going to go shopping in peace, to actually take my time and look at stuff, I'm going to go back to bed for an hour to sleep, I might even get out the hair straighteners and do my hair!!!
Oh the luxury.
Chin up Chuck, why don't you go to your gp, see what they advise?

Is it bad that I had similar planned for this week and then she got rushed into hospital 2 days running cos the NHS is so unfounded they kicked out a toddler in full blown allergic reaction to her own body and have had to cancel them to cover the time I was off work as I don't get paid for being off

I was really in need of that 2 days too, just me, the garden and a book for 2 glorious days. I don't think knowing it isn't happening has helped my mood.

I have some time off next month so will book a docs appointment for then and see what he says. Hopefully he will have some tips for me

My dd 3 behaviour is the same as you describe and I struggle not to loose it and shout. I also have child in full time nursery but don't feel I have to make it up at the weekend too much, so give yourself a break on that

The relationship with your mum is really sad, can you tell her how it is and ask her for help, if she refuses then get counselling for dealing with a mum who maybe isn't bonded with you
Wishing you all the v v best lots of mums come through this really well xxxx

"Makes me miss my mil all the more. I read posts on here and feel sad for people who have horrid mil's - mine was a truly wonderful lady. She would be spinning in her grave seeing my mum throwing away time that she would have cherished."

This is so sad. I wish you good luck OP, I'm really sorry your mum is such a disappointment in this regard. And I hope you can get some relief soon - maybe talk to your own GP, outside of the HV scenario, your daughter doesn't have to be involved if it makes it more stressful (if that makes sense) .

Honestly trying to talk to my mum is pointless. She will be all offended and then spin it around so I end up being the bad guy. It is too stressful and I genuinely can't be doing with the upset anymore. I can't force her to have the relationship with dd that she has with my dniece. And really should I have to?

Japenese will speak to the GP and hopefully he will be able to help me. And thank you for being so kind.