"It's not fair on your kids if you get pregnant in your 40s"

[ElspethFlashman]

Can I just say this annoys me a lot?

I hear it in every conversation about older parents. There are actually 2 sides to this argument - that having older parents mean you are free of certain responsibilities at a younger age.

I had older parents. They just met late. They were in their 50s before I went to secondary school. Back then that was highly unusual.

I spent most of my 20s and 30s taking care of them and in and out of hospital. They died in my mid & late thirties. It wasn't easy - god no. It was a terrible burden. One I'm glad is behind me. I started a family and my parents will never know their grandchildren. It's sad of course.

But would that burden have been any less when I was 55? Or even 65? No.

I would just have been older and more shattered. And perhaps more resentful. My neighbour was taking care of "Mummy" up to her 60s. Filling in the gaps of the home helps and Meals on Wheels. All the hospital/GP appointments. All the maintenance on the mums home. She was exhausted. And Mummy was as demanding as old people are.

AIBU to think that if you are going to be saddled with the burden of care for older parents, then maybe there is something to be said for being free of that burden at a younger age?

Yes there are plenty who put their parents in a nursing home - but that's not easy either. The visits and the worry and the emotional pressure. It's never enough.

So AIBU to please stop using this as a stick to beat those who get pregnant later in life? "Your kids won't thank you for it". It's far too simplistic.

I'm grateful that the only people I have to worry about for the rest of my life are my kids. Sometimes I look at friends my age (40s) whose parents are showing the very first signs of not actually being immortal, and I wouldn't swap places with them for anything.

My aunt had her child at 40 that is when my grandmothers dementia started . Can you imagine the emotional rollercoaster at that age and trying to bring up a new born. She is 60 years old and she looks shattered with the worry.

My mother and uncle help but more my uncle because my mother lives 250 miles away. There is no book on how to cope or how to behave or feel you have to get on with it.

sirchen can't say my DM was exactly thrilled to be nan at 38. It's normal to me, but I can see that 46 is still so young also

But that anecdote is no reason why anyone else shouldn't have a child at 40, on the chance a parent gets dementia, surely?

YANBU.

Times change. People are much younger in body and mind nowadays.

My DH was 41 when DC3 was born.

It never crossed our minds that he was too old.

I had my first at 27 and was one of the younger mums at the school gates.

I agree with a PP: women are judged regardless.

I don't judge the ages of other parents but I am mid forties and have a teen and a preteen. My contemporaries of a similar age who have older children are having a ball and I do feel a pang that I can't take part in high days and holidays but when I was having high days and holidays they were full of responsibilities that I was yet to have.
There is no right age..

Entirely agree with DeathStare- it seems that whatever choices parents make nowadays will be judges as wrong by some (and some will also judge couples who choose not to have DC, so no escape there).

I know young parents and older parents who do an excellent job. There are pros and cons either way. Some friends who had their DC young (and before getting established in careers) didn't have the same juggling act as I did over work/children in the early years but have been young enough to have the energy to train for a meaningful career once their DC started school. Friends who had DC later in life have more time for their DC in their senior school years as they are now looking to wind down to retirement (and in some cases one parent is already semi-retired). On the other hand I know parents of all ages that struggle financially and healthwise.

I had my kids at 39 and 41. I didn't meet my partner till 36 and we had problems conceiving my first so I was late. I get upset that I might not be with them when they are older and I would liked to have more than two. However on the plus side we are more than financially stable.

I think it's sad to hear people saying "she left it late so she could have a career" . That's simply not the case with me. I think your damned if you do and damned if you don't.

My grandparents had their kids at a young age and when they became elderly not one of those kids bothered to help look after them. It was left to my. My grandfather is better than my birth father at being a parents and so while he's in his 80s I'm happy to look after him as he did for me. He was in his 40s when I was born and essentially looked after me as if I was his own. I don't feel I've missed out on life caring for an elderly 'parent', quite the opposite in fact. I feel blessed for being given an opportunity many don't get.

I have been ttc for over a year and just turned 41. Quite a few relatives had kids into their mid-late 40s and if anything it kept them young.

People should judge the choices of others. My parents were young and that came with its own set of problems.

The problem isn't the age that anyone has a child, the problem is the age that people stop judging other people... Too many people never seem to hit that age.

I'm in the amusing situation of getting shit for people for being told old to have had my latest child. They are mostly the same people who gave me shit for being too young when my twins were born. And I'm pretty sure they are mostly the same folks who were snippy about DS2 and DD3 on the basis that 4 then 5 children between us was too many...

The care aspect can happen anytime. DH was 22 when he became his first wife's carer. DS1 was 8 months old. They had actively chosen to have children young because her parents were older and she wanted her children to have time with their grandparents; both of whom outlived their daughter. Now at 39 his parents are in their 80's yet are in good health. Age really is just a number, the world works in weird ways and you can't predict it.

My personal experience here but I'm the oldest of 5 and have a sister 3 years younger. My mum started again with babies at 36 when I was 16 and now has my 3 siblings ranging In age from 10 to 4, we are all our dads

To be honest my mother wasn't the best when me and my sister were growing up but she is worse now, no patience, kids Spoilt and no discipline (they get away with things we would never have got away with eg being cheeky etc). They have just recently gone on holiday, my dad wanted to take the kids but my mother didn't so my younger sister took a week off work to keep them (I'm thankful I have 3 kids of my own so can't help). When she first had them she returned to work full time 6 weeks after birth and me and my sister were left to look after them and then when they started nursery and school I dropped off and picked up, this still continued after I had my first child until I told her I had had enough. She is 47 now and you can just see that they cannot be bothered. They hardly see my children (their grandchildren)

So in my experience I'm glad I've had my children young (20 with the first - unplanned, and 24 and 26 with my other 2) and wouldn't plan to have any when I'm older and from my experience it hasn't worked out that my parents had more patience etc as older parents they were better young parents

I had my DC between the ages of 24-34 and can honestly say it wasn't a great age either not young enough to have them off my hands and enjoy some free years, not old enough to have established a career first. Although tbf I have 4 DC hence the larger age range and just the sheer juggling that meant I took a career break.

So it's all b*llocks really - when PLANNING a pregnancy particularly old (by that I do mean late 40s for a woman (due to menopause) and late 50s for a bloke (based on life expectancy) or particularly young there are pros and cons and things to consider but it's an individual thing.

Several decades ago it was expected that extended families pitched in - older siblings after younger siblings, children after parents and so. I think the economy will force that to being the norm again for those of us who are working class, even the higher earning working class.