Is there anyone out there who can inspire me with stories of how counselling, especially with a psychotherapist, has transformed their life?

[spad]

We have attended one session with a psychotherapist and whilst I really liked her I can't see what is going to happen in order for my relationship to improve.

Can anyone out there please give me faith that these people are miracle workers?

tia

I saw an amazing psychologist at a bad point in my life. She was right for at that time and assisted me in getting out of that awful time. I agree with other posters that they will guide you in whatever the issues are, and that's what makes a good therapist good. I'm always thankful that I found my psychologist and the help she gave me

Counselling can be transformative and life changing or not or whatever you are willing for it to be. If there is an issue between yourselves and the counsellor it is better to bring it up sooner rather than later. A counsellor could remind you of your mum or a old school teacher or a boss or a friend and things like that could get in the way of the therapy, you need a bit of a blank slate with a counsellor really.

I suppose it is like seeing a personal trainer. That person can help you get fitter by showing you exercises you can do and supporting you through the process but they can't do it all for you. If the counsellor is working the hardest in the room then it is unlikely the client is fully engaged in the process. I would imagine for couples' therapy both clients have to fully engage for there to be any hope of change, and this change might not result in a continuation of the marriage, which is perhaps something to consider on your journey.

I'm not sure if you have said how many sessions you have had. It can be like a personal trainer in that respect in that if you were seeing one you wouldn't expect to lose three stone and get a six pack overnight. Equally, sometimes for people one session of counselling is enough for them to feel like they have got what they have wanted and they are happy with their lives. Good luck with your therapy.

Intensive isn't likely to be helpful, just like getting 3 haircuts in the same month wouldn't be helpful. You will need time for things to settle. Weekly sessions are usuallyrecommended, sometimes fortnightly, depending on circumstances. Have you discussed your concerns with your therapist? That's likely to be helpful.

Hope everything works out spad. If you're both coming from a place where you want to work on things then that's the hard part covered! Somethjng me and my husband found really helpful were the arguing de-escalation techniques... You are only allowed to match the tone of your partner, try to add some humour and laugh it off, no YOU this YOU that, just I feel this or I feel that.

My therapist is great, but I am the one doing all the hard work, while he supports, guides, offers a different perspective and most importantly holds my feelings with me in a safe centred space.
It is life changing. I am changed, but I did it with his help, he isn't a miracle worked, he is simply walking with me on my journey.

You get out what you put in.

If there is abuse in the relationship of any kind couples' counselling isn't recommended. If there's not I guess it depends on whether you both still love each other and are prepared to change some things and behaviours.

I've had Cruse bereavement counselling many years after a bereavement and it really really helped me. Massively. Good luck OP

Psychotherapy definitely worked a miracle for me, but I was ready for it. I was really ill with depression and just had a very negative relationship with myself, basically. Therapy made me realise that I wasn't a bad person and it all changed round from there really, my life began to change outwardly quite quickly once I'd made some fundamental inner changes.

I'd say I'm almost a completely different person now, like the person I was always supposed to be had I not hated myself. I'm at ease with myself now and other people treat me differently.

It's really important to find a therapist you can trust and work with. They won't do it FOR you but they will help you to do it for yourself. You need to be able to take on responsibility for your life choices without blame (they can help you do this!) as for me that was the turning point.

I personally found counselling didn't go deep enough for me, I needed proper intensive psychotherapy. Counselling (IME) was about dealing with my feelings about things that happened, psychotherapy went deeper looked at why they happened in the first place and then undid those patterns. I had cognitive analytical therapy over 16 weeks, NHS first then went back for more privately.

A good counsellor will stir up lots of issues that maybe you have buried
You may feel much worse and unsettled after a session
It's hard work and may not always feel good about your self. it not like a chat and wine with a best mate ( which I'd recommend too )
Wholehearted recommend you do it if you are ready. Wishing you all the best xx

Sorry, I haven't read every response, and I have not been in relationship therapy.

Therapy has literally saved my life. But more than that, it's a process. Your therapist is there to help you work stuff out - they can't make you happy all the time. My main advice is just be open, don't hold back. That way they can help you.

I feel very uncomfortable with the posts which imply that it is in some way the fault of the patient if the procedure doesn't work in some way.

JustNot, I haven't picked up on anyone saying it is in some way the fault of the patient if the procedure doesn't work. Being a client in therapy is different to being a patient in a physical medical procedure, in that you as the client have to play an active role in the process.

There are many reasons why therapy doesn't work - they could be related to the therapist, the client, the timing or the issue. It's actually often to do with the person going in with unrealistic expectations and not talking to the therapist when their expectations aren'tmet. That's no-one's fault.

I used to come out of the hairdresser happy with my haircut. Two weeks later I would be blaming myself for it not looking the same as I'm incompetent at blow-drying. I would then feel uncomfortable saying anything to the hairdresser as she's the expert so she must know best, and I was embarassed to reveal my blowdry incompetence. What I needed was a simpler style that would work for me and some pointers about drying it. So we had a good chat, I got a simpler style, some tips and a new brush. I'm much happier doing it myself with her input. No-one's fault it hadn't worked better before.

Hope this is still hrlpful, OP.

I don't want to start an argument but most posts do imply or insinuate that therapy WILL work, and if it doesn't, it's because of something the patient is not doing.

Counselling was no good for me. I knew what the issues were, I knew how my mind worked, I just didn't know how to deal with my problems so they didn't adversely affect my life. Psychotherapy helped because it was much more in depth.

We are talking about therapy and positive experiences so we are going to be sharing how and why it worked

I've had tons of therapy, most didn't work, I wasn't ready, or the therapist was naf, or we didn't gel, or the issue I had didn't need to be worked out that way.
I stand by my comment, you get out what yoy put in, but there is tons of stuff around it..is the issue something therapy can deal with? Is the therapist right by for you? Is the type of therapy right?

You are reading into something that isn't there and clearly there is a reason behind that. I am not saying and would never say that if it doesn't work, then it is something you are doing wrong. I wasn't implying anything.

I yoyo'd with different councillors over 20 years of depression. Agoraphobia. Suicidal thoughts ect. Untill I had psychotherapy in a group setting dealing with rape in childhood. It has completely changed my life. I have not only come to terms with the fact it wasn't my fault and I have told my story to other non profesionals. Which is something I've never done before. I feel a different person. I've even got a job after being out of work for 15 years. I'm slowly coming off my antidepressants and learning that my overeating was my way of making myself as unattractive to men so no-one would ever do that to me again. I still overeat but it's not the binge diet cycle of before. I will eventually retrain my diet.
It's not this positive all the time. But in my experence it's saved my life. I think of it as kissing frogs to find a Prince. Sometimes you get toads . Good luck. I truly hope it's the best thing for you OK

Just not - I think the client has to be ready for it, my personal experience was that I had to be ready to stop seeing myself as a victim of life's circumstances and understand the role I was playing in creating very negative patterns in my life. That was hard at first. Very hard. But it was transformative. Only when I saw that I was the causal factor in all the negative patterns in my life, was I able to work on ME to resolve THEM. And I don't have those patterns anymore. So it worked.

Taking responsiblity is a good thing, not sure why you are seeing this as a negative?

As I said up front a good therapist will encourage the client to do this without blame, self reproach or thinking they are 'wrong'.

I don't see what you've described in your post as a bad thing :) What I'm arguing is that I don't think counselling helps everybody and it isn't the case that "you have to be REALLY ready for it" - you can be ready for it, and it's still ineffective.

My DH has had counselling through CRUSE and it has saved our marriage. I can honestly say that. Losing both his parents in the space of 4 years made him lose his way completely - depression, alcohol abuse, completely disengaging from parenting, friends and family. He completed the CRUSE counselling and was a lot better, then realised he still had a lot of work to do so got himself referred to a psychotherapist. We are lucky - he can access this free of charge through his work. The effect has been amazing. We aren't there yet, there is a lot to unpick, but family life has been transformed.

The first step though is to admit there is a problem. In our case it really was all DH and that was the hardest thing - admitting that was devastating for him.

just - there are bad therapists out there, no doubt. But even with a very good therapist there needs to be a real commitment on the patient's part to effect change.

justnot I know what you're saying. I've had the absolutely gutting experience of being discharged by a therapist because "there's nothing I can do for you, you don't want to get better". This was at a time when I was desperately struggling with depression and anxiety that had developed into agoraphobia, and to me I'd been told I was unfixable and it was my own fault.

I've had counselling and therapy since then and have always done my best to go into it with an open mind, engage properly and do my best to make it work (because I was terrified of being told I was staying ill on purpose again) and none of it helped. Now, 10 years on, I've finally been referred for assessment for an autistic spectrum condition which would mean that the previous therapies were never going to help me as they were entirely the wrong approach for my problems. It would be a huge relief to find out that it wasn't entirely my fault that they didn't help. So, while I'm sure it's true that you need to engage and put the work in for therapy to really help, it's worth noting that for some people it's just not the right approach and no amount of effort will make it work, and to avoid blaming them for it if this is the case, because that's a really shit thing to do to a low and vulnerable person.

I agree with previous posters.

I can quite understand that some people may turn up to counselling expecting their problems to be solved and the process isn't as simple as this.

However, therapy for some isn't effective.

Yet there is a definite reluctance to accept this - always the suggestion is 'maybe it wasn't the right counsellor' or 'you weren't engaging/ready' which as has been said above really isn't on.

Counselling is helpful for some but I do feel the endless insistence that it IS the way forwards isn't accurate.

What do they ask? How do they stop you bickering? How do you know it is helping? How do you know it is time to stop going?

They tend to ask leading questions. They try and get YOU to come to the solution yourself, which teaches you to think differently in situations.

They can't stop you bickering because they can't control you. YOU stop you bickering. You need to make a conscious effort to stop and deal with things a different way. Whether it's writing down your grievances (journal or write/burn), or walking away for a certain period, or counting to 10. They try and help you find a different way to cope with your need to bicker but if you don't put that plan in motion, of course you still bicker.

Knowing whether it's working is developing certain goals and your personal situation. If your goal is to bicker less, then bickering less could be seen as "it's working" however if you're actively not bickering only because you're in therapy then it's not working. So it's more of a long term goal of finding out WHY you bicker, finding different ways to stop it and to cope with disagreements.

Knowing when to stop going is also a personal thing. In my experience the visits become less frequent. It doesn't hurt to go again from time once you're "better", especially individually, to get a gauge on how you're feeling etc. As someone said above, most people leave it really late so it's a hard slog back, a relationship takes work and sometimes you need people to help with it.

I feel weird that it is sharing personal stuff without getting to know them because they are a professional and not a friend.

This is exactly why people go to therapy. Friends are great, but most people don't tell their friends the entire truth (whether it's fear of looking bad, or fear of being told your wrong) and most peoples friends tell them what they think they want to hear. Friends are typically there to support you and that's not always helpful. Sometimes you need to be told you're wrong.

A therapist is there to help you, not judge you. They have no vested interest in you like a friend does. A therapist is a good outlet for the things you want to talk about but don't want to mention to friends (for example: when you're worried you've been harping on about the same thing and that they'll stop caring/listening) and for you to be completely honest without fear of reprisals.

How do they stop you digging a bigger hole for your relationship?

They can't stop you from doing anything. You are still a person with choices. What the aim is though, is to find better ways to deal with situations, better coping strategies.

How to deal with things in a relationship also depends on your partner.

In my particular case, I'm a "bottler". I stew on things and get more and more upset which just results in me being more upset about something than I would have been if I just said "I don't like when you X" or "I'm upset because Y" and then let it go. I recognize this in myself and strive every day to change it (at least with my DH, there are some who wouldn't react well to my actual feelings on a situation).

I went to therapy when I was 19/20 after I had a breakdown (so about 13 years ago). The first therapist wasn't the best, but she did teach me something that I still think about to this day, and it's about how to recognise when I'm having irrational thoughts (which is a sign of depression - for me at least) which she called "definites".  So when I start thinking things like "<span class="underline">everyone</span> hates me" and "I <span class="underline">always</span> get let down by people" (among other things) I know I'm thinking irrational thoughts. I know to talk myself around "well no, not everyone. You have friends like X, and Y, and your family Z and A" etc etc. Basically stop myself wallowing.

Therapists aren't miracle workers, but if you go in with an open mind, and willing to change and listen, then I think it will help. Maybe not always in the way that you think you need though.