To stop my son being friends with these boys

[ManicGirl]

My DS and DD are quite close in age so I was never able to do the whole baby group thing with DS as I had his slightly older sister to look after. So I've always felt as if DS was just friends with my DD's friends and didn't really have any of his own.
Lately he has made friends with two new boys at nursery which I was really happy about and have planned loads of playdates over the summer. However other parents and even DS's nursery staff have warned me about developing the friendship as both boys have displayed violence towards other kids and have behavioural difficulties. But my DS seems so happy to have some friends of his own to play with. DH says I should end the friendship as DS today started displaying some strange behaviour when he was playing with them and excluding my DD from joining them, which he's never done before.
Don't know what to do for the best.

My goodness, these poor boys are still babies, and have already been put on the scrap heap by the nursery, if I were the boy's parents, I wou,d want to know so I can remove them😡😡. They seem very young to be labelled so early, it sounds as though they have SN which is the cause of the behaviour difficulties. I woukd have a play date or two and see how it goes.

By your title I thought these boys were of school age, but they are preschoolers.

Nursery staff have "warned you"? Really?
How did that conversation develop?

Up to you but I think it's absolutely awful that nursery staff are warning you off allowing your son to play with children with behavioural difficulties! A lot of children have difficult behaviour at this age for a variety of reasons or just due to their immaturity. Socially excluding them won't help.
Sorry that doesn't really give you any advice but I was just shocked and think that is a dreadful way for childcare professionals to behave.

They're nursery children - how 'violent' can they be?!

Sorry, but your DP sounds like a twat.

The nursery have behaved appallingly - nobody's child should be spoken about like that!

I would try a couple of play dates and see how you go!

I suppose it depends where the behavioural difficulties stem from. My dd has autism and to a lot of people who didn't get it could have been described as aggressive. She wasn't just scared of the world and anxious. She hit kids quite a few times. She's six now and has the odd biting episode but I'd be gutted if parents didn't want their kids playing with her as she's wonderful and sweet she just struggles with a few things. Maybe have the odd play date with them and see how you feel. Everyone will have an opinion but it's your opinion that matters. If it's a Sen issue all kids should be given the chance to mix. How old is your son as kids do go through stages that might be typically normal and nothing to do with the boys. My dd had a friend who could be mean to her and who despite no Sen issues was quite wild and the friendship ran its course.

I know, ds 4.5 years went through a phase like this when he was 3, he has dev delay and speech and Lang delay, I woukd hate that nursery staff were warning parents not to have play dates with him 😔😔😔😔 if fact ds school attached nursery encouraged the play dates I was doing as it was helping his behaviour, they were also reinforcing appropriate behaviour at nursery, now he is fine.

Agree with much of the above really. I can't imagine why nursery staff would warn you not to let your DS play with other children who are nursery age. Really quite surprised they would think that's appropriate or necessary at such a young age.

Thanks for all your advice. I agree that it's awful that they are being labelled (at aged 4!) and I expect it has stopped other parents from getting to know them. Not sure if it is specific behavioural issue or just a phase. It's kicking and biting according to the nursery. And yes, they shouldn't really have told me this in the first place...

But they're babies!!!

From my point of view, the nursery should be looking after the children sufficiently to ensure that kicking or biting or similar aggression is prevented as much as possible and that the children are taught that such behaviour is unacceptable and that the parents of any biters or kickers are informed and, if necessary, their child is removed from the nursery.

I would let your son be friends with whoever he wishes. Chat to him in general about nursery regularly and be "unreactive" when he tells you about it so that he feels he can tell you about everything that goes on, then he will surely tell you if he feels scared or if anything has happened.

Perhaps, if it's appropriate, you could invite the friends (individually or en masse) to a playdate with their parents and see how the boys play together then?

No decent nursery would have "told" you this. Your op is null and void for that alone.

DS1 has autism and had some behavioural issues associated with it. Because he was confused and overwhelmed he would sometimes lash out at other children. He's coping much better each year that goes by. There is no meanness in him, it would never occur to him to bully another child. People who dont understand him might have seen a boy who was being a bit aggressive at times - but really he was a boy who couldn't cope through no fault of his own. It takes him longer to learn the social skills that come naturally to others.

The teachers at his school and the parents of other children in his class are by and large inclusive and tolerant and understanding. I can't imagine dealing with attitudes like those of the teachers in your child's school - they don't sound at all professional or kind. They should be discussing other children's issues with you and advising against your child being friendly with them.

I have a younger child too and there was a boy in his class who was running around hitting everyone and making them cry. I could see the mum was doing her best to cope and looked embarrassed and stressed. I don't know if her child had SN, maybe he did. I went out of my way to include her and her son as I know what it's like to be in her shoes.

In my experience children choose who they are most comfortable playing/being with even at an early age. They move on very quickly if the 'fit' doesn't last. As adults we worry too much and simply see dangers that aren't there. As a child I played with many children and learnt from all of them.
If your child is not at risk of danger I truly believe you should embrace his choices xx
Like PPs have said they are still babes, this won't lead to drunken nights in the park once they are teenagers, as you will set home boundaries along the way

My DD in nursery was persuaded by a friend not to go back into the building following lunchtime and they were discovered later. I can't tell you how distressed we were. The friends mum had previously brought her to a soft play party in the middle of summer wearing a really chunky jumper and whereas other parents stayed she breezed off. I think I understand how stressed you may feel about your little ones choices but now my DD is over 18 I realise a lot of stresses need to be evaluated first, if there is no danger please let your DS make his own choices, he will work out the best friends to have based on your own family values.

Thanks for everyone's views. I don't want to stop the friendship really - they've never done anything to my son and the three of them seem to really look out for each other. You're right - I am probably building this into sone thing it isn't. Agree that its probably not quite time for the drunken escapades! I will invite them over and get to know parents better as well.

Sounds like a great plan. Good luck!

As the mother of boys with special needs that could involve behavioural issues, and now a foster carer of children with various difficulties, I would be disgusted that the nursery had given any details about them to other parents. I would be extremely angry that they had tried to suggest your DS for not playing with them. It is so, so, so hard for children with additional problems to make friends, and for the nursery to make it worse in this way is disgusting. Do you know their mother, OP? If so I would make it clear what has happened, so the parents can make a formal complaint against the nursery and also remove their children immediately.

However, if I was you I would also think twice about leaving your own children there also. If they can give sensitive (well any) information about other children to you, they can equally give information on your children to others. In your case I would honestly find somewhere else for your children.

Can I also mention that my children and now foster children were also never invited to any child's home to play because of their special needs. Never invited to parties either, throughout their whole school life. I cannot tell you how delighted my children/foster children would have been should any lovely mother like yourself invited to another child's home. Even though my children are now mid 20s, the legacy of their school life remains with them, and to this day they are always overly grateful and excited if anyone issues any invitation. Your invite could really make the children (and their parents) week/month/year. Please do if you possibly can.

The person at the nursery who you spoke to should be sacked immediately, and if this is standard practise then it should be shut down. It is beyond disgusting, and breaking every rule in the book. I cannot tell you how I angry I am even reading about this situation second hand. Horrible.

What the effin Nora does 'wearing a chunky jumper' have to do with anything??!?

Greatfuckability 'middle of summer'?

Reported

What was the strange behaviour your son was exhibiting when playing with them? Your son excluding his sister when playing with them is not their fault.

I think though if your ds is playing with his friends then generally it's a good point for you to do something with your dd.
It can be nice if they do join in sometimes, and excluding isn't nice, but it can be hard having a sibling in.
And equally well when she has friends round they won't want irritating little brother joining in
So, yes, I would have told him off for being nasty, but would have found something different for her to do.