To want DH to do some chores

[Crappyatnames]

DD is 17m, DH leaves for work at 5am and is home at 6pm 5 days a week, he golfs every Sunday (5hrs). I work 2 full days a week and at home with DD the rest of the week. Currently I am doing all the cleaning, shopping, house admin, laundry, cook dinners, nursery prep, lunches and get DD ready for bed every night plus up through the night with her if she's ill or unsettled. I've recently come off medication for pnd and anxiety but been feeling really stressed out lately and a bit unsupported , so have had a hard look at things and think he should be doing a bit more around the house and with DD to support me. He will do the dishes when asked, when I'm getting her ready for bed, cuts the grass and DIY, I find it hard telling him what to do - I wish he would just help out and not let me do it all. I'm bad for not sitting down, I'm always getting on with things (as there's so much to do!) but he's so good at ignoring things - grrr. I'm always having a battle with my conscience as he is up for work so early and drives a lot plus uses heavy machinery at work. But lately I've been up at 6am and my day doesn't "finish" til 7pm when DD is in bed. Plus I don't get 5 hours of relaxation on a damn golf course every weekend. Anyway, I've tried to speak to him about this but he's full of excuses and then I feel bad. AIBU?

5 hours? Jeez. I hope you regularly get 5 hours off too. That might help.

If he's not too tired to play golf at the weekend then he's not too tired to do his share of the household chores.

I had 6 years of a very similar situation, and it took a rota and a cleaner for us to sort it out. I found it helpful to write down a list of all the "extra" job I was doing and how long they took on an average day, I had to spell it out. Now everything seems much fairer and there is no resentment. I also go out at least once a week in the evening BEFORE bed time so that he has to do it alone. I would also suggest that the golfing is limited to every other week as that's a lot of time away from you and the LO. You need some support especially as you are coming off your medication. Be firm, and don't feel bad. You are a team, work together as a team and you will both feel so much happier for it. Good luck!

OP who's looking after you? Who's making you a cuppa or running you a bath? Who's got your back?

The little things really do mean a lot even if he's putting his own stuff away

Or sock sorting -

Tell him you work 7 days a week with no holiday or lunch breaks - no sick pay or yea break - no me time -

Tell him you do all this voluntary and you can't do it any more

OR go on strike - they don't know what you do until you stop doings it

absolutely unacceptable carry on from him.
lay down the law.
today.

Why don't you take sons hours (5 if you wish) on the other weekend day?

It's not unreasonable to expect him to help out. Oj he's not gonna do 50% cos he works long hrs but he could put lo to bed a couple of nights, put a few loads of washing in over the weekend etc.
Also are you having ANY time away from lo?? If not, i'd be making coffee dates woth friends or a good book for a few hrs on the Saturday.
He doesn't sound like he see's you guys alot - i guess lb is in bed by what 7 or 8? I think he needs to step up a bit tbh

Thanks for the words of encouragement- I need to be firmer. I don't get any time away from DD unless I'm at work ha! It's taking its toll now. I had suggested that I do something for myself on the Saturday but his response was something like "no family time at the weekend then - don't understand why you'd want to get away from DD" I was too stunned for words after that and major guilt trip. After all this venting I feel like I don't like him anymore I go out during the week once or twice a month, but always AFTER 730 when DD is in bed. I think he's full of it sometimes as he says if he worked less hours he'd help out more, but he does nothing around the house at the weekend! I don't have a big circle of friends, so I need to think of things to do, even just a wander around the shops. It'd be easier if he encouraged me, but he just seems so sulky - I feel like I have 2 DC's

Don't have any more DC with him

Make him cook and do dishes of a weekend. If he brings up family time again remind him that playing golf every weekend isn't very family orientated. Why is family time only important when you want to do something?

"his response was something like "no family time at the weekend then - don't understand why you'd want to get away from DD"

So that's a glaring double standard, then - why is it OK for him to do his five hours of golf on a Sunday, and you not have any similar time to yourself? Presumably he doesn't take DD to golf with him?

Perhaps you could suggest that...

Does he golf morning or afternoon? I'd take my five hours the opposite half of the same day and just get up and walk out.

Saturday can be family day if he is that arsed.

And if he is home for bath and bedtime and not needing to be asleep himself then why isn't he itching to spend time with dd and do the bath and bed thing?

'Don't understand why you'd want to get away from dd', words fail me!

I work similar hours to your DH, I don't work with heavy machinery but do have a 3hour round commute I don't expect my DH to do all the housework, I enjoy doing bath and bedtime with my children, I certainly don't want 5 hours to myself every Sunday - we tend to go out on Sunday's as a family and have fun.

He's selfish, his comment was designed to make you feel guilty and stfu. He's certainly telling you how he feels about you. If you want to be nice say 'of course I love being with dd but it's only fair you get a few hours quality one on one time with her every week'.

I'd be tempted to swap completely when he next has a weeks annual leave. Emulate everything he does.

Then ask the selfish prick if he needs an hour or so away from dd.

His response beggars belief. don't let him make today feel guilty. It's perfectly normal to want a break, doesn't mean you love your dd any less.

Fwiw, we had a similar-ish set up. We organised it so - I did all weekly hw required during my week days in the house, rest of time either of us just basics, either of us put dd to bed of an evening- took turns, but not strictly, just whoever felt like it. Weekends - he played golf early one morning, - t off around 7, back at midday, I took the other morning to do my sport, afternoons family time. Worked for us.

Today!? You. My phone is bonkers.

I agree with the comment that he's making you feel guilty to keep you in your place. What time does he get back after his 'much needed' golf? Do you spend time together on a Saturday?

How comfortable would you feel having the rest of Sunday off? Even if it is just to sit in a coffee shop and read a book? Because it's less about wanting/needing time away from your DD and more about ensuring he spends time with her and appreciates your role and contribution to the family.

Also - it seems we're all responding to the unequal 'me' time and not to the question of should he do more chores. Well yes, of course he should. Regardless of the nature of both your jobs (him with heavy machinery and you with a demanding child) when you're both at home together, those jobs should be split equally.

So I've just nipped out to see my mum alone for a change (and a perfect excuse) I reminded him that DD will have lunch at ~ and what a face!! I keep feeling like its my fault, like I've made a rod for my own back over the years but surely if he cared he wouldn't sit and let me do it all, and encourage me to have some time out.

How did it go?
You have kinda made a rod for your own back but now is the time to sort it. Hopefully he does care, he's just getting away with what he can