To say enough is enough with birth mum

[SarahJane333]

I will try to keep this as brief as possible. I was adopted as a baby and found my birth mum when I was 17, my adoptive parents were a bit odd throughout my childhood (to say the least) and went batshit. We tried to keep the relationship going but it didn't work and we haven't spoken for a few years now, I think both sides are ok with this.

I'm now in my early thirties, my birth mum has three other daughters, all of whom live with her and are between the ages of 10-25, she was actually pregnant with the eldest before my adoption was final. I've got 3 children of my own, she never sends any of us birthday cards, never calls and very rarely messages through Facebook. I had a baby 5 months ago and other than a message the day of her birth have heard nothing, I've messaged a few times but had no reply. She's a good mum to her other daughters but not to me, at all. She makes no effort and is not there for me either as a mum or a friend. I live very far away and am in her 'area' once a year. Meeting up is always an issue, she's busy, she'll arrange for us to go there then be out or have friends over or need to go shopping. This year I messaged her months and months ago giving notice of when we would be there and she finally replied today to say she's busy for the 2 weeks we will be over, lots going on, has booked a holiday, will try to squeeze a day in to see us.

I'm devastated and fed up. Have no extended family and feel alone and a bit pathetic. I'm also sleep deprived and exclusively breast feeding the baby so accept I may be acting a little self indulgent and pathetic.

I suppose I'm just gutted that I will never have decent relationships with my sisters, have a mother who will not give me any of her time or energy and upset for my children who have almost no grandparents.

I think it's time to send a reply along the lines of saying enough is enough and that if she can't treat me in a better way we will have to leave the relationship. What do you think?

I'm sorry. It sounds hard. It may be more helpful to think that she isn't capable of giving you what you need, and most people would expect, from a mother. I agree with others that it's probably better just to let things drift with her, and if possible work on maintaining relationships with your sisters as that sounds more fruitful. Some counselling, particularly with someone with expertise in adoption, may help you feel some closure. But I can imagine it's always likely to be a source of sadness

It depends how much you want a relationship with your sister(s). If you don't, then go ahead and tell your mum whatever you want to say.

More tricky if you do though. You could write mum off mentally but not tell her that she's out, while keeping some sort of relationship going with your oldest sister, which may spill over onto the younger ones as time goes by.

It must be very difficult for you

Thing is if you've done all you can to maintain a relationship and get nowhere than and I don't mean to sound mean but maybe your birth Mum has decided that she wants to leave the past in the past or maybe feels guilt for having you adopted and doesn't know how to deal with it

No need to send a final message saying enough is enough You could just not bother texting/ contacting her again she has your number if she wants to contact.

I think trying to guilt-trip her with an ultimatum is likely to be counterproductive. Either she already feels guilty about failing you as a parent and that's why she keeps her distance, or she doesn't and will just make conciliating noises while continuing to behave the same way. You're better off just fading her out like you would with anyone else who wasn't interested in maintaining a relationship with you. If she can't be bothered to make an effort then she doesn't deserve to be in your life, or your kids' lives.

Your story is very similar to mine. Know that you are not alone.

Think of yourself. I suspect the best for you to do is terminate contact...which is what I did.

Hugs.

EOT

So sorry to hear this. Would it help to write a long letter to her, telling her EXACTLY how you feel - and then burn it? I've had a lot of therapy in the past about my own batshit mother, and I found the letter writing helpful. Could you keep some kind of communication open with your eldest sister - even if it is just FB friends, or exchanging birthday and Christmas cards? If you work, does your employer offer any scheme that provides free counselling, as you may find it useful to talk things through with a professional. I wish you the very best of luck x

I think now is the time to concentrate in your own little family. It is remarkably common for women to struggle with their adult relationship with their mother. I know many, many woman who are the most capable, independent of their siblings who have quite strained relationships with their mothers.

So in a sense, this perhaps isn't solely a direct result of your adoption. But there are other issues at play - your mother sees that you are settled with your own dc and has mentally and emotionally switched off. She has dependent dc at home and sees that as her priority.

It is crap but it is what it is. I would leave it for now.

Are you thinking of writing a final letter to her to get a response?

It doesn't seem like you will get what you want if you do that.

The worst thing about writing a heartfelt letter, is the expectation of a response. When that response isn't forthcoming it leaves you even more exposed and hurt.
I would strongly recommend not doing it, as it sounds like at present your relationship is at the point where you wouldn't get back what you need.

Sorry, your OP didn't indicate that she was looking for you, too.

For whatever reason then, she's backing off in her relationship to you, either of her own volition or because of external pressures from others in her life. My advice still stands. I'd back completely off and say nothing. Let her come to you.

When you say you 'think both sides are ok' with the state of the relationship with your parents, is there any feeling in you that you'd like to try and rekindle that relationship?

Neither my mum nor her younger sister were able to have children. My parents answered every question I had about my adoption and told me that they'd support me in any way if I wanted to find my mother. My aunt & uncle refused to discuss her adoption with my cousin and told her how painful and hurtful it would be for her if my cousin wanted to find her mother. It's coloured the way my cousin feels about her parents, although she never looked for her mother in deference to her parents. At this point both of us are old enough now that our mothers are very elderly or in my case, most likely dead. Your parents were wrong to not support you even if they didn't like the idea.