Page 2 | Substitute sibling (tangent)

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 16/07/2016 17:49

I have 3 dc and if someone wants to borrow one to occupy an only child then that is absolutely fine with me . I can see that it would be a problem if the other child always dictated what happened. Fortunately never had that problem and not sure that my dc would want to go back if that happened.

I'm not sure I would send a child away to another country when they are ten unless I knew the family really well. I also wouldn't send my dc swimming with someone else unless either my dc could swim well or we had discussed ratios and supervision.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 16/07/2016 18:13

I think Paradise started this because some of us were going off on a tangent largely unconnected to but prompted by another thread.

The "substitute sibling" phenomenon some of us discovered we had common experience of is not the perfectly normal inviting of a friend along sometimes but something quite different because of the element of being depended upon.

Substitute sibling is probably not really the right term, but it's hard to think what is. It isn't just letting your kid/kids's mate/s tag along sometimes, which is something almost everyone does.

Jamiesmuddyknees · 16/07/2016 18:26

As the mother of an only I invite ds friends along to things especially theme parks etc as it is usually same price together family ticket. Yes I do this as my ds finds the days more exciting having a pal there, I always ensure things are carried out fairly I. E. Ds doesn't get his own way and things are shared and guests get first dibs. All of this makes the day better for us as ds is happy but how come this is selfish? We give other child a free day out, often treats etc and lots of attention as it's fab having the dynamics different for the day.

ToastyFingers · 16/07/2016 18:29

My little sister had a friend like this, she spent every weekend and most of every holiday with us, as there was a large age gap between her older siblings, and her parents were older and weren't really up for entertaining a small child.

I haven't seen much of her since she went to uni a few years ago but I still think of her as a second little sister.

Bumply · 16/07/2016 18:41

I have two boys 4 years apart and used to invite ds1 friend on holidays, so it's not just only children where a 'substitute sibling' can come in handy.
It gave a better dynamic as ds1 had a partner for activities da2 was too young for and I was able to spend more 1 on 1 time with ds2. Friend appreciated it as he didn't get away on holidays often.
I certainly didn't expect/require him to be there if he didn't want.
It wouldn't have worked if the two eldest hadn't been interested in the same things or had the same skill slet such as ability to swim in a water park

BeBesideTheSea · 16/07/2016 19:08

I think am guilty of the opposite due to trying hard to avoid this.

DS is an only, and now lives some way from his best friend. We invite best friend on holiday, days out etc so they can spend time together (friend is not an only). DS complains that friend always gets to pick everything to do, and i am nicer to him than to DS. I guess from his point of view I am am - because I treat friend as a guest.

From now on I will try to treat them more like siblings - equal amounts of choosing etc.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 16/07/2016 19:18

It really not about only children IMO though and it's not just about inviting a friend along.

For me it's typified by WhatsApp messages along the lines of "Where are you? Tom wants to go for a bike ride and we can't without Freddie" or "Freddie has played with Alex every day this week and I've had to play football with Tom." (Left unanswered and followed an hour later with a request to send Freddie over after school) and also by the fact that Tom's mum drops Freddie like a hot brick when Tom's dad is home from working away.

It's not wholly one sided of course because the "companion" child gets taken places, but it's the obligation and almost feeling the other parent feels they have joint custody that sets it apart!

DS is friends with the boy whose mum does this, but he also has a fairly all consuming sport club commitment and several closer friends - we live within sight of the family who have decided DS1 is partly theirs so the mum often sends a WhatsApp as soon as we get into the driveway and it is stifling - I've been borderline rude to her about backing off and she does for a while but it ramps up again as soon as her DH goes away for work because she finds her son hard work and it makesher life easier if she borrows mine too. She has told me numerous times how easy I have it with 3 kids and that they have stopped going on family holidays because their ds gets bored and it's such hard work (she has not invited DS on holiday though and he would not choose to go if they did - I would potentially let him go on a theoretical holiday with a theoretical friend if he himself was keen, but not this friend as his mum is very hard work).

I think it is all about parental personality not about only children - I'm sure the same dynamic could develop in families with siblings who don't play together due to big age gap or just having nothing in common.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 16/07/2016 19:21

*not real names obviously, just easier than Child A, Child B etc.

Original poster

ParadiseCity · 16/07/2016 22:16

Funnily enough Schwab my 'friend with boundaries issues' also happens to live within sight of our house... It can feel very suffocating! I've realised how much the parents like to compare my child and theirs lately. So they try and ask about things like school grades etc, I know it is insecurity/to check their child is doing ok/better than my 'average child', rather than out of concern for my child iyswim. So it feels a bit like a benchmarking exercise

I try not to compare real siblings let alone surrogate/substitute/whatever ones...

OP posts:

dolkapots · 16/07/2016 22:29

This is definitely not a case of inviting a friend along, which is a totally normal thing to do. It might sound OTT, but I think until you have experienced it it is hard to understand the level of pressure/obligation. I suppose the parent (in my case the mother both times) is key here; very dominating and quite sadly felt that her child was the centre of the universe and everyone else had to stand back and watch.

I had to visit a sick relative at weekends over a period of about a month, and the mother of what might be described as my dd's substitute sibling texted me:

Her: Josie and I will come over to your house at 10am on Saturday for the day

Me: Sorry, heading to Gran's again, she's had another stroke

Her: This is very unfair on Josie, you have been at your Gran's for the last 3 Saturday's!!! Let me know what other day we can come instead.

dolkapots · 16/07/2016 22:35

Just remembered that Josie (not her real name) got a trampoline for her birthday and Josie's Mum informed me that it would be best if the said trampoline was erected in our garden, as Josie wanted to play on it with my dd. Her plan was then that Josie could come over to ours every day (she lives 10 miles away) to play on the trampoline She didn't even ask me if I thought this was ok!

NynaevesSister · 17/07/2016 08:13

Wow Dolkapots. That woman has serious boundary issues. And a total lack of empathy. Sorry about your gran 💐

PeteAndManu · 17/07/2016 09:25

I understand this only it is with a family member and it is difficult to explain and pinpoint. My DS has a cousin who loves him (no problem with that and they do get on well) and his mother my SIL does everything to ensure that they spend as much time together as possible as that is what the cousin wants. If it was a simple request that we could say yes / no to or have our thoughts considered it would be fine but we feel manipulated a lot of the time, our other 2 children are left out and my SIL and MIL make plans and assumptions that are then difficult to backtrack on and we are seen as being awkward or they try to persuade us to get us back in line and micromanage us. I find it quite suffocating. It is all done very 'nicely' so we feel as though we are being unreasonable and it is quite difficult to put your finger on but it just keeps happening time and again. My childrens' needs aren't considered they are just assumed to be the same as my cousins.

It is very different to just simply asking if X would like to come over and play and there is no obligation or pressure put on, it's a simple yes/ no or how about another day. Jamies your situation sounds this and it is great, we have a number of friends that we do this with and it works well for everyone. The difference is the parents don't make me feel obligated or under any pressure and the kids play equally.

Dolka the parent's response is awful. What did you do?

dolkapots · 17/07/2016 11:27

It is actually really hard and a few times I've said that we are on holiday to avoid her It is a tough issue as Josie arrived after 15 years of infertility treatment (and obviously a lot of heartache) so her parents are completely obsessed with her, to a point that I feel is very unhealthy. I don't believe it is intentional (which makes saying no harder) but every so often I come to the point where I have to put my own children first. Josie has been desperate for a sibling and is very lonely, which kills her parents even more.

Josie's mum actually found parenting to be a massive shock and was very overwhelmed at having to spend so much time with a baby. She was and still is very PFB (there's a paedophile on every corner type) so poor Josie was very limited as to what she could do. I feel sorry for both of them but Josie is not always a nice child, making threats that if you don't do as she says she will tell her mum, who will then go ballistic and accuse you of bullying/harming her child.