AIBU or is MIL insensitive

[LovelyBranches]

My father died when I was in my early twenties. I adored him. He's missed out on so much of my life and even though it's been nearly 8 years I still feel sad that he didn't get to meet my dc, walk me down the aisle, have a cup of tea in my house.

Mil has met my DF. Me and DH were a couple when my DF died although not living together at that point. She tried to stop dh supporting me a lot saying that it was draining him, even driving him home after the funeral "because he's had a tough day".

Anyway, MIL is still insensitive I feel. She buys DS clothes with logo's on that says 'If you think I'm bad, you should meet grandad' and she seems desperately put out that my DS is like the absolute double of my father and she really seems to overly stress all the things that Ds can do with grandad when he's older. FIL doesn't do this. TBH, FIL barely seems bothered by DS except for an occasional visit.

There have been times I've almost burst into tears when I see these clothes and I just shove them to the back of the wardrobe or when comments are made but I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive. Dh thinks I should just roll my eyes but DH has never lost anyone close to him, except elderly relatives who died from old age. I don't think he understands that he's been able to celebrate everything in his life with his family where mine feels like it was torn in two.

I thought you conveyed it well

I do see a problem when the sensitivities of one person start affecting others though, if it restricts what they can do or the way they talk about something/someone. If it was the OP's DH that had lost a parent I don't get the impression that he would stop the OP referring to her rightly-much-missed dad and his future grandparent duties as he has a completely different take on it. There's not a definite right or wrong way to deal with these things.

Both my grandmothers died before I was born - my mum talked about her mum a lot and I knew her as my 'proper nana'. I also talk to my own DD about her grandparents that are no longer with us and see my DH tear up sometimes , it can be a tricky subject and a hard balance to find.

OP, I hope you are doing OK.

Navy I don't know about the OP, but for me, such a t shirt would be much easier to stomach coming from the grandad. If he's not bothered, and MIL is trying to shoehorn him into doting grandad role, when OPs dad would have filled that role eagerly, I can see how that would grate.

It kind of highlights not only is one grandad dead, but also that the other one is distant - even though his family are telling him to get involved

Without sounding melodramatic, maybe you need to have some grief counselling. I don't see an issue with what your MIL is doing. I lost my mother when I was in my early 20s and still lived at home at the time, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her, or wish she could be here to see the kids but, I also don't begrudge my MIL for being the only interested and alive grandparent.

Regardless of whether she is insensitive or plain evil, you do not have to keep anything in your home that upsets you.

So, if I were you I would bin anything she buys that triggers you. See her far less often and try to put a protective bubble around yourself, so she can't get to you.

DH can see her all he likes, but you don't have to.

Navy you need to re read my post if you are referring to me.

I didn't say "everything" I said the things that upset the OP, such as t shirts referring to grandfathers.

I didn't say she should stop seeing her MIl "altogether" I said far less often. and OP has already given her DH a reason and explained her feelings.

You seem to have got rather carried away...................

I don't think you are being overly sensitive; I think your mil is being tactless and thoughtless but possibly not realising how much it is upsetting you. Although I appreciate it will be difficult, I think you should say and tell her how much it upsets you. If she carries on after that, then she is being really insensitive and unreasonable.

I have been in an almost identical situation , and unless you have been in that situation you don't know how you will feel and I don't think you are being over sensitive OP .

Crankles I don't feel I do begrudge my DS time or love from his grandparents, or from my DM who loves him completely. I feel that MIL takes advantage of the fact that DS only has one living Gf and pushes that agenda in a way that's pretty insensitive.

It also irritates me when she comments about ds not 'looking like the family' when he's the image of my dad so he does look like his family, just not the one she wants him to look like. I feel like sometimes she wants to rewrite history and remove all traces of my family out of ds, but it doesn't work like that.

Very gently, there does come a point where you need to accept your loss(es) and move on past them.

I don't think your MIL is doing anything that bad, but your reaction to it is indicative of unresolved issues relating to your dad dying, I feel.

Begrudge was the wrong word, but I honestly think you would really benefit from speaking to someone. Grief affects us all in different ways, and from what you are saying I don't think you have dealt with the loss of your father. I talk about my mum with my two all the time and I still have a pain in my heart even though she died 12 years ago, but you are clearly upset and it's putting strain on your relationships, and I don't see any harm in seeing someone to talk it through.

Could it be that her husband isn't as hands on & interested a grandad as she would like him to be. She is trying to drag him into the role by the tshirt buying and going on about the activities they can do in the future. She hasn't considered that the subject is raw for you and is coming across in the wrong way?

I'm really sorry for your loss. You aren't over sensitive at all.

I lost a baby and when the remaining baby was one my mil bought him twin trains..

""didn't say "everything" I said the things that upset the OP, such as t shirts referring to grandfather""

But this may come up again, when the children get older.

My DH died when my youngest was 8. My middle DD has been upset that her FIL is hands off, because she's lost her Dad.

He loves my GD, but doesn't want more involvement until she's "looking after herself".

The thing about looking at your DPs side of the family, that something that's often said and just needs gentle challenging. Your DP needs to have a word, as well.

A lot of that stuff you've got to let it wash over you and limit your contact, if possible.

I'd also have to say you were being overly sensitive. Massively so tbh. Sorry. My maternal grandfather died when my mum was in her early 20s and as awful as that was for her she didn't just accept that I had a strong and extremely loving relationship with my paternal grandfather. She went out of her way to encourage it and ensure it's strength. If she had taken some sort of umbrage that I still had and deeply loved my Granda M just because her father, my Granda W, had died she would have robbed me of one of the most important relationships of my life.

I loved both my granda's but Granda W died when I was very young and my memories of him are limited and my feelings for him don't match the intensity that the extra years I had with Granda M ensured. I'm sure that was and is hard for her but if that had made her resent my relationship with my surviving grandfather that would have been an unbelievable shame.

I feel that MIL takes advantage of the fact that DS only has one living Gf and pushes that agenda in a way that's pretty insensitive.

Sorry (and I speak as someone who lost her DM before I even met my DH let alone had children) I think you are being a bit over-sensitive here. She's not 'taking advantage', it's just how it is. And it's your DH's father.
I'm sorry you miss your dad so much, and if you can have photos up so your DC recognise him I think that would be lovely. But your husband's father is still here and that needs to be celebrated.

Poor you, OP, I can completely understand how this must be wrenching. I think it's hard to tell if she is doing it on purpose from your post. Her actions could be completely innocent, but it's possible there is a meanspirited intent.

However, I would say that it might be worth asking you whether it's likely that she really wants to pick on you because of your dead father? that would be a very extreme and horrible thing to do, by any standards. So if she is generally a non-evil (but perhaps insensitive person), it might be likelier that she is not having a go at you.

Also, I can understand how your grief can still be raw after many years, but she may simply not realise that this is the case. For her, this was the death of someone she knew barely if at all. It might seem a lot longer ago to her than it does to you, and hence not be on her mind at all.

It also occurs to me that the comments she made about your DH supporting you in the early stages of your grief were made a very long time ago. It was an earlier stage in your relationship with DH, you weren't married. She presumably did not know you as well. I'm not saying she behaved perfectly, but it is possible to see how she might be alarmed about the effect supporting his gf was having on her DS and how she might want to support him. And her support for him might have actually helped him support you. Which is absolutely NOT to say that he experienced anything like what you did. Just that she was his mum, and will have had his interests in mind, which is not in itself horrible, even if it was expressed badly.

Basically, I would try to put all that behind you. It was a different time of all your lives, and she is now the loving grandmother of your child.

The emphasis on the granddad stuff is hard. Your DH's dad is your DS's granddad. I agree with others that she might be trying to force a relationship.

With the comments about your DS's looks - have you pointed out to her that DS looks like your dad? She might simply mean that DS doesn't look like anyone in HER family - my mum's family are constantly going on about which one of the family I and my sister look like, referring only to their side of the family. It's not a snub to my dad's side, it's just something they find weirdly fascinating.

I agree with others that you might benefit from some grief counselling. Good luck.

I do think it's perfectly normal to want/expect/look for signs that children look like 'your' side of the family! I am not trying to write my in-laws out of the picture when I do that with my own family! Otherwise, I'd be out of the picture too as my DD is the image of her dad!

I think you are angry OP and you're looking for someone to target that anger against. In your case it's your MIL.

I get you are grieving but I agree with PPs that you are being over sensitive. You need to be careful you don't come across as trying to drive a wedge between your DH and his mum if they have a good relationship.

What's most important is the relationship your DC has with their grandparents. If it's a good one it doesn't matter what they buy him, he's getting a positive supportive relationship with them. Of course it hurts that your dad isn't there to do the same, life is very cruel. But don't try to scupper the good relationship your DH and DC has with them. As they get older they might resent you throwing out presents that actually belong to them.

FWIW you'd think I had no biological link to my child at all the way my MIL goes on about my child looking like so and so on her side of the family. Which is ironic given my son really looks like me!

Some grandparents are twats. Some aren't. I feel qualified to comment on this because my parents are twats and my ILs are lovely.

I can't imagine my lovely MIL making me feel like this. It's something my mum would easily do and then seek to make me feel silly for being upset.

OP, listen to your heart. If she's being a twat, spend less time with her. Your DH can see her / take your DS. She's his problem not yours.

I don't feel the grandmothers behaviour based solely on the recount here is remotely twattish. I'm absolutely not trying to stick the boot into the OP there: I know it's possible for little things to be significant based on such minor things as a look, which is hard to explain via text, but if I am to take the posts at face value the MIL is getting a really undeserved kicking.

Again, said very gently, not only comes there a time when you have to move beyond the past, there also comes a time where it's vital for your own mental health but also that of your loved ones for you to prioritise the living over the dead.

I think when you've had a significant loss - and significant doesn't always mean in terms of blood or marital relations but it usually does - at a young age, it's easy to feel jealous, bitter, angry. I've felt all of these, especially the former, at various times. At university, I was SO jealous of my friends with lovely mums. I felt upset right up until about 2007/2008 and ten years passed and somehow it didn't bite quite as hard.

Losing my dad two years ago, when I was 32, was a wrench. I felt cheated - as if having had one parent prematurely die on me, I was "owed" the other one, somehow.

Yet as the months have gone by and I've experienced again losing a parent but this time as an adult, not a girl, I've come to understand so many things that I didn't understand fully back then. I've come to understand that the greatest gift I can give my children isn't photos or stories or anecdotes - though these are important - it's the very essence of my dad, and that lives in me. We looked alike - same wide smile and dark eyes, same short legs and small mouth, but our characters really are identical. The easygoing and happy way of looking at the world, the clumsiness, the love of reading and literature, the pretence of being annoyed by dogs when really we both adored them. Realising that I am so very like my dad that he'll just never really go away has been the source of comfort. I don't have to go anywhere to find him, because he's right here.

Yet within that I'm my own person too, and my children deserve to be their own people. I hope when I have children, they will know they had a handsome, clever, thoughtful and kind man as their grandfather. But I also hope that while they will know this, their relationship with their hopefully living grandfather (and grandmother) will be loving and positive and will bring joy and happiness to their lives.

Being possessive about a child's love - which (sorry) is what this is - never ends well and is as pointless as it is harmful. We all have limitless ability to love and love others. Your little boy growing to have a loving relationship with his grandparents does not diminish your fathers role in his life, but your fathers role is in a sense done. His living grandparents have priority.

I wish you well.