AIBU to ask how you moved on from a miscarriage?

[HighHopes16]

It's been two weeks since we found out our baby's heart had stopped beating and I've not yet managed a day without crying. :(
I just want to go back to the happy naïve stage of ttc for the first time but I feel like all our hopes and dreams have been shattered.
I know it will take time but I'm asking for tips on how to move on and be positive for the future?

Mrs5boys I'm so sorry. Must have been terribly traumatic :-(

So so sorry for your loss OP
Take care and all the best to you and your partner

I've had 3 early miscarriages. 7weeks, 7.5weeks and 5weeks and all that really helped was time. And being able to talk about it.

The first was devastating. I never imagined it would happen, although I knew from the start that something wasn't 'right'. It took me a year to start to heal, and not think about it every day. It was hard, I found out at the same time as a friend and to see her newborn was crushing. Another friend used the name we'd chosen for their little girl born just after my due date and I still find that hard.

The second was a shock, but wasn't as emotionally difficult. I was very ill for about a month with anaemia, infections and exhaustion though which made it harder. I found out I was pregnant again whilst being treated at the hospital for the infections and was advised it wasn't viable the next week. I guess having two so close was just one set of grief. That took about 6 months to feel normal again.

It doesn't completely heal though. There are months that I'm fine then suddenly I can be found sobbing on the kitchen floor. I broke down at my grandmothers funeral last month, partly for her, partly because I wished desperately that she was looking after my babies wherever they are.

However, my closest friend found out she was pregnant at the same time as I did for number 2, and I can hold her baby girl with minimal heartbreak so perhaps I'm accepting things now.

Be kind to yourself - it's the best advice but it's hard to follow. Just let yourself grieve as much as you need to. Bottling it up for the sake of appearance doesn't help.
It'll feel like a huge weight now and tbh it will never get any lighter but you will get much stronger and more used to carrying it round with you.
I mmc at 8 and 12 weeks and both babies have names - i am well aware it's not the done thing but it helped me. Equally - the reaction of people who don't feel such a strong attachment is just as valid. It took me a long while to appreciate that.
Deck anyone who says it was meant to be.

So sorry to hear all of these stories for everyone going through this. It is utterly devastating, but you do get through it.

I had my sixth last month, each has affected me very differently, number 3 this year I went utterly numb it almost become "normality" get pregnant have a miscarriage and I didn't even cry, number 4 has utterly destroyed me, but I am feeling more on an even keel at the minute and will be trying again any day now.

I am having counselling and that has been very helpful, I know many places do have group sessions and would suggest this as a good place to listen to other stories, mumsnet has been such a great place for support and I don't think I'd have managed without his forum and the most important one for me, talking to my partner and listening to him - it effects men very differently but it is equally as heartbreaking and for my DP watching the person he loves physically go through it and not being able to do anything about it is very difficult for him. If your partner is pulling away a bit it might just be that they are trying to be strong for you, when he started talking to me it helped us both.

And finally, you just need to be very kind to yourself, it is very ok to feel sad.

I have a necklace which has a tiny birth stone for each of my babies due months. I am useless with plants and not sure if we will live here for ever so a necklace is something I can always keep.

I'm so sorry again for your loss, but you do get through it, not over it but through even if you do have sad days X

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think let yourself grieve. It gets slowly easier - I don't think I started feeling better until I got pregnant again and it made that pregnancy much more stressful. Now a year plus later and with a lovely baby girl I only think about it occasionally and it doesn't hurt - just feel a little sad.

I'll never forget but the pain eases.

Im so sorry for your loss, OP.

And the other posters on this thread

I've had quite a lot of mcs in my life but the worst emotionally was a 12 week mc after conceiving by IVF. At the time I coped fairly well as I had finally got pregnant after several years ttc and felt at least it was proof that I could still get pregnant, so still had a lot of hope which help soothe the grief.

I was ok right up until a close friend got pregnant a few weeks later the first month of ttc. I lost the plot then, it completely overwhelmed me.

We started IVF again and hope returned, but my next 2 cycles then resulted in a 5 week mc and a BFN. I was utterly crushed and almost suicidal at that point.

Eventually I conceived DD, so I have no idea how I would have coped if I had remained childless. But I still feel a lot of sadness for my lost babies and stupid, inconsiderate comments from people who know what I have been through can have me in sudden tears or raging.

Be prepared for your grief to come in waves, you think you are ok and then something can knock you right back to square one

Sorry OP, that post was a lot about me and very little advice for you

I suppose I'm still quite fucked up even though it's been a few years now. I should take some of these other posters advice and plant a tree or something

Sorry if this doesn't help much but although I tried lots of ways to cope and come to terms with it (some of which helped to some extent and the passing of time eased the grief too ) the only thing that really truly helped was having another baby.
I lost a boy at 20 weeks and then had several early miscarriages, and finally my lovely and very naughty daughter.

Thank you all for sharing your heartbreaking stories, it's nice to hear I'm not alone even though I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.
I think I'll take a bit of time to heal and then we will try again, as all I can think about right now is the baby we could've had.

highhopes it is still very very early days for you, two weeks is nothing so please do be kind to yourself and take the time you need X after my later loss it took six weeks for the pregnancy hormone to even fully disappear and so I still felt pregnant during that time and that is very hard to cope with in itself.

As mewling said it can hit you completely out of the blue, you can't prepare for any of this so just be kind to yourself and talk on here as it really does help.