How to deal with playdates and negative little friends?

[VioletBam]

AIBU to think that a child who is always asking for DD (aged 8) to go and play at hers or for her to come and play here with DD should at least SEEM happy once she gets what she wants?

DD's little friend from school is a nice child in general...but she's so negative!

When she comes here...which is often after asking her Mum if she can...her Mum then texts me to ask...she's never pleased with ANYTHING DD suggests!

DD will suggest a game or something and she's ALWAYS "No I don't want to do that"

It's irritating as they then come and hang around me and I end up trying to think up things to distract them/keep them happy.

We have an enormous garden...we're in Oz so weather is ok even though it's winter....at the back of the garden is a small wilderness of trees and bushes which I am fine for them to go and play there...it's common land...but they never DO.

The little friend is very pleased to get here but never wants to do anything!

DD says "She's more of an indoor girl" and defends her but in the next breath complains that her friend is bored all the time and doesn't want to play a game...either imaginative or board games...she never wants to draw, sew, bake, make up songs or dances.

What am I meant to do? DD plays with her in school but she does have other friends....should I keep agreeing to these painful playdates or stop them?

What does she say when you ask her what she wants to do?

She'll say "I dunno!" in a whiney voice. Or she will say something impossible such as "I want to go to a theme park!"

Also I feel that at 8, they should entertain themselves! I've not had to provide entertainment for DD or my older DD since they were around 6 when their friends come round. They just do it themselves.

My DD had a friend like this (before we moved out of the area, anyway). With DDs friend it was definitely a form of control...she wanted to be dictating what they did and anything my DD suggested was met with 'I don't want to play/do/eat that. Like you I was constantly having to suggest things they would both like to play and it drove me insane. We took a break from having her over to play for a good few weeks and things seemed to go better after that.

God I hate play dates where they hang around you asking what they should do!

Does your DD want to keep having her over? I'd be guided by her. When mine want to invite a friend over and I know from experience it's going to be like this I usually plan some kind of outing or activities in advance so I have an answer for the inevitable "What will we do?" Not very relaxing though!

When I say outing I just mean something like walking the dog or going to the supermarket - just a bit of a circuit breaker. I agree they should be able to entertain themselves, but some combinations of kids just don't seem to work like that.

The other option (as long as you're sure they'll get on) is inviting other kids as well - mine are quite close in age, so sometimes two of them having friends over works and they all hang out together (and leave me alone).

Mine are boys though - maybe the dynamic's different with girls?

Bum I think there's an element of that. She sometimes says mean things like "You're a terrible dancer!" if DD does a silly dance or something....but the kid constantly asks to come here!

I think I will ask DD if she wants her to come in the future.

My sons have a friend like this! We cut right back on play dates!

I wouldn't have her over. End of. She doesn't sound like the sort of child I would want mine to be spending time with. I can't be doing with whiners, large or small!

In that case I'd just tell her/her mum 'well you didn't seem to enjoy it the last few times you came over so let's not do it for a while' with a big smile. Or something similar, make it clear it's her behaviour/whinging that's the reason. At that age they should be able to entertain themselves or give you ideas of what they want to do that's realistic eg crafts, watch a DVD, not go to a theme park

You could try pre-empting the I'm bored by listing some manageable activities when offering/ accepting an invite for the child to come round, so that the child has advance notice of whats on the cards.

Are the play dates too long? Perhaps try shorter ones.

Don't bother, ask your DD to be part of the decision but ultimately why would you want a child there who is going to undermine your dd confidence and enjoyment of life.

Sounds to me like she's probably same at home and her mum is glad to have her at yours, thinking ultimately that it's making her happier. How are play dates at her house?

I wouldn't explain it to the mum, it doesn't sound worth the potential fallout. For a while i would just be busy, very busy.

My ds has a whiny pita friend and they always end up sniping at each other. I've told ds I don't want him over because they don't play nicely and it is a pain for me. Honesty!

Has your DD says what happens when she goes there on play dates, does the mum provide an endless stream of activities or does the child dictate the games etc?
It's possible the child is a glass half empty person or it's a control thing or the mum is looking for someone else to entertain her child. Whatever the reason I'd wouldn't be inviting her round so frequently.

This would irritate me!!

Here's a bad example of a recent play date , dd is 5 and met a new friend at a hobby that parents also attend. Friends mum put me on the spot and asked if friend could come back for tea and play. She said she would pick up after tea.

She appeared at quarter past NINE!
They're both in reception and dd was normally way in bed and asleep.

Never ever again :)

They have completely messed DDs room up so I told them to tidy it and could hear the friend saying"I don't want tooooo" to DD who to be fair was saying "But you helped make the mess"

I've left them to it but if the friend doesn't clear up with DD, she's not coming back and that's that.