Why do I feel so guilty?

[stuckinthemiddlewithpooh]

Why do I feel so guilty at my kids not seeing their grandmother anymore?
I've fallen out with my MIL because her youngest son who's the same age as me, but still lives at home, was cruel to my DD to the point that she had a panic attack. My parents are long gone and she was their only grandparent. Now I feel my kids are loosing out on having a relationship with their granny. However, I can't forgive bullying and when my DH contacted her about it, he was told to grow up, and that his LB was just playing and my daughters distress was unjustified. My DD was bullied at school so has been quite fragile, but I wouldn't expect a family member to treat her so abysmally. Why do I feel I should make amends when I know I'm not in the wrong. The kids miss their granny and I can't replace that bond.

Not sure I agree that my husband has normalising it at such..... After his older brother called him and called our dd a cry baby and gave him a barrage of abuse for no reason, dh was adamant we shouldn't bother keeping them in our lives anymore, and rightly so! We're both patient, tolerant people and have probably put up with and let slide on a few things, but hurt our kids and you won't do it again!

Completely off topic, but I wondered why you chose to home educate. As far as your MIL is concerned, the further you stay from her the better, in my opinion.

My dd was being bullied and I wasn't happy with how the school handled it. Also my ds was being held back so his classmates could catch him up and he was becoming bored. However I'd had it in mind for a while, when the government started imparting stupid rules and tests. Plus school was a traumatic experience for me, and I don't really want my kids to suffer the same as I did. The system is broken.......

I think both your children are better off without them op. Your ds is already learning to think like them: that you dd needs toughening up and deserved bruising. That is shocking and should highlight how toxic they are.

Go with your dh view and go nc. This isn't about pride and you shouldn't feel guilty. You are protecting your children. You are doing the right thing.

I would be more open with your ds about how wrong these attitudes are and ask him if he thinks it would be ok for bil to bruise and kick you and Mil. Your dh needs to hammer this home too and both of you must reassure dd it's not her fault.

Right now she probably feel it's all her fault and Mil and bil are alienating her from her brother by pushing this agenda.

Did he deliberately push her into a pile of Lego? Or was it a playful push that went wrong?
Are your DCs happy about being home-schooled?
It's hard to judge really. They want to see their gran and you seem to think you might have over reacted? I don't know.

Yes it was most likely a playful kick that went wrong. But you have to realise that to my daughter who had been through a traumatic bullying experience at school, it was no different than this for her. I have no idea why a 30 yo would want to kick a child in the stomach, playfully or not. Or why on dropping her back home, why he would hold her toys out of reach until she cried leaving daddy to retrieve her toys as she was too emotionally overwhelmed from the whole day. She painted a malicious picture of the day. And when my dh called his mom to say my dd was was very upset and didn't want to go to her gms again, he was told to grow up as if my dds feelings didn't matter.

They're are both really enjoying no school. We've learned so much together and had some fantastic family days out. Our family relationship has improved. My ds will hold his sisters hand when we're out now. They have gone from tolerating each other to being supportive and friendly. We've met a lovely community within the homeschooling network and they no longer miss the monster and her sons. She wouldn't listen to my dh on homeschooling so far, and shouted at him, so it's made it easier to cut all ties.

Apologies - I was just wondering if you were getting things out of perspective but it doesn't sound like you are.

My dd did her school work experience at a day centre for elderly people. She absolutely loved it, and they seemed to love having her there. Someone new to share their stories with etc. I also nanny for a 2yo, we used to go to a toddler class also held in a community centre and the older generation loved seeing the little ones and fussing over them. IMO a great place for kids to visit especially if you tie it in to the home schooling, maybe bake cakes at home and take them with you

It's a side issue, but I'm with her about the home schooling. What if your DC turn out to be more intelligent than you?

I just don't "get" home schooling. I'm not ashamed to say, that both of my DC are cleverer then me.

How for eg. how could I have schooled DS in Maths? I failed my O'level (not a low grade, an out and out fail), whereas he attained an A grade at Advanced A Level. How could I possibly have got him there?

No need to apologise. I've had a lot of time to reflect on this.... I no longer feel guilty. My in laws are bullies and I don't need to justify my actions in safeguarding my family. I think my husband has always been bullied by them but has only recognised it happening to our DD. We are better of without them in our lives.

What if they are more intelligent than me?
They will have the brains to take care of me in old age. When mine have since rolled away.
They can still go to college from age 14 and do GCSEs if they choose.
Many university's will do an interview to ascertain knowledge and aptitude, without formal exams being an issue.
We learn most things together through games and books. Learning is fun. If I'd had the chance to learn for fun, I think I'd retain that knowledge more easily now. And if I hadn't had the pressure of tests, I wouldn't believe I couldn't do something because of tests anxiety. I got A* on my coursework but chose to take C grade papers because I got to stressed for the examination process. My hair fell out. I became depressed. My daughter has my anxiety. School is not for everyone.

Thanks, I really like the idea of joining an elderly day center and getting our bake on. Must look into this more closely. We've met some lovely people in charity shops too. Might see if we could volunteer in one together. Work experience in the real world, instead of being trapped in school and getting fined for a holiday. 😁

My sons class teacher told me one parents evening that he only got a D in his maths A levels and was still a teacher. On hearing of our decision to home school, he was very positive that it could work. Because you do not teach the child, you facilitate their learning. You don't need a masters to allow a child to self learn. They learned to walk and talk without an institution. Why do so many believe that a child needs school to learn? Some children leave school without being able to read, write or add up and budget. There are so many opportunities to learn more naturally within the real world without exam pressure, peer pressure and hierarchical socialisation. Not to mention cheaper holidays and cheaper clothing and shoes. I don't understand why so many people are happy to send their kids away to be bullies or victims. To learn to pass a test and regurgitate facts without learning to understand the true nature of that knowledge, and the passion of learning for pleasure. I believe my kids will make a difference to the world one day, and not going to an institution will facilitate this opportunity greatly.

But school is where children make friends and socialise. Why do you think they'd be bullied/victims? Are you projecting? My kids were never subjected to that. They made all their friends at school. Why can't you let them out in to the world?

My hair fell out. I became depressed. My daughter has my anxiety. School is not for everyone That answers my question above. School may not have been for you. But you are not your children.

Many university's will do an interview to ascertain knowledge and aptitude, without formal exams being an issue

Sorry, but that is absolutely not true. I have 2 "kids" at Uni, and the grades meant EVERYTHING. Anyone telling you different, is deluded. If you haven't got the right grades, forget it.

I came out of school with about 5 O'levels, at quite crap levels. My DS got 8 grade A O'levels and 10 A levels. My DD got 8 O'levels and 7 A levels. There is NO WAY that I could have got them to that level. And why would I want to deprive them of a free Education, provided by Academics far better than I?

I know we are swerving off track, but I think you are doing them a massive disservice. They need to mix with peers as well, and not be tied to your apron strings.

My sons class teacher told me one parents evening that he only got a D in his maths A levels and was still a teacher

But if he's recently come into teaching he would have needed a minimum of a B grade at O'level. Plus at least AABB at A level.

Some children leave school without being able to read, write or add up and budget

VERY few. And what is your point?

There are so many opportunities to learn more naturally within the real world without exam pressure, peer pressure and hierarchical socialisation

There is pressure in life. They will be pressured when they start work. You can't avoid that.

Not to mention cheaper holidays and cheaper clothing and shoes

Because they don't go to school they get cheaper clothing and shoes? Eh?

School isn't the only way to socialise. My kids are out in the local community and have a network of fellow home schoolers we meet up with. I'm not keeping them at home to stop them from making friends. They have friends and go out playing and attended groups to socialise with their peers. School is not the be all and end all of life. I had a negative experience of school, but it was ultimately my children's decision to leave the school system and it will be their decision if they wish to return. I've found we actually save money with the expense of uniforms, shoes and out of term holidays.
They will be better prepared to handle pressure when they're older and will have better coping mechanism. Ultimately both of my dc's have also had a negative experience of school so far.
Why do you believe school is the only way a child can do well in life? If your child was unwilling to attend school, would you force them to go somewhere that became detrimental to their health and wellbeing?

I've been show evidence of home educated children who have gone on to Oxford, Cambridge, RADA and the likes without a formal test in sight, on pure aptitude and evidence of knowledge through a formal interview. If giving my kids the best chance to succeed is doing them a disservice, then we shall just have to wait and see. I'm certainly not alone and am aware of a wide network of support available to help them achieve their goals.

I've made friends in a variety of ways throughout my life. Not just through school. I wouldn't waste my time on some of the people I met in school. However, we live in a smallish community so my kids still see their school friends anyway.
They're definitely not permanently attached to my apron strings. I let them loose occasionally, and don't worry about them much, as they tell me everything because we trust each other.

HuskyLover1 how is the op projecting about being bullied? She clearly states in her updates that her dd was being bullied and it wasn't handled well by the school and it was very traumatic so she home schooled. She then states her ds was held back and bored and is more stimulated now being home schooled.

Tbf what anyone thinks about homeschooling is nothing to do with this. I dont think much of it myself and wouldnt do it but the op does what is best for her kids as all parents do. If you want a homeschool vs school debate then start one and get a range of opionions. Right now you are throwing yours at an op who asked for advice on something very imporant. It's unfair to do that when her concerns are elsewhere.

Mil and bil are nasty pieces of work that the ops own dh is even keen to cut off. That speaks volumes.