To be resenting my sick husband

[Feellikearightungreatfulcow]

OK I'll try to keep it short but can't promise as dont want to drip feed. (Revision before posting - this IS LOOOOOONG) Posted about some (separate parts) of this before so NC so I don't out myself

A while back 2 years or so DH started experiencing low mood. Having been on antidepressants for most of my adult life I encouraged him to seek help and he got put on medication felt a bit better, all good

Long story short he later lost his job due to it contributing /anxiety/ level of absence etc

Initially I encouraged him to take time out for himself, to feel better so he could get back to work
He soon found another job, trained in it but on the first days work had a real panic attack and couldn't face it and so gave up the job (how I wish I'd pushed him to try to go as things might be so different now, though didn't have the heart then as he was in such a state)
He got worse and currently receives ESA support group payments so assessed as unfit for work at present (though he does hope to get back to work someday)

Since then he's often said he feels bad not contributing (much) financially but as he's been looking after 'the house' cooking/cleaning washing etc I said not to worry as that's a huge help to me working full time and we can manage financially for now but have had to cut back on things like no eating out/going out/takeaways/clothes etc luxuries I know, so we are lucky in that sense

I feel horrible saying it but I don't feel he is helping me/us out so much now and i don't expect him to be a maid, but he'll leave washing up and dinner pots on side til i do it, 'forget' to put on/hang our washing i sorted out.

He gets little money and NO SUPPORT regarding ESA (I have been told his assessment as 'support group' means he isn't on govt targets so no incentives to help him back to work eventually)

He has low moods but I have got to the point I am depressed again too and I can't help feel it's partly his moods - I feel bad that I can't 'fix him' but he's bringing me down and I KNOW it is hard to get out the darkness but I am trying to help, arrange nice things to do, get him out the house regular - suggest he walks into town even just there and back but he sits on his phone for hours on end

I've looked up cbt/counselling but he's tried it before and says it doesn't work.

He's gained weight (as have i) so I cook healthy but he isn't interested in any form of exercise (even going for a walk) saying he is too tired/out of breath but won't see his GP as 'there's nothing he can do'

Tbf he HAS been passed around pillar to post by local MH teams and was first referred 2yrs ago+ but not yet really had any 'help' except medication reviews

I feel I need to get off my chest that I am unhappy too you know
I am tired too
I am stressed being the one responsible for everything
I can't carry on worrying about money all the time (he's always 'let' me sort finances as he was in shit position financially when we met and I've always been the sensible 'saver'
He is sleeping downstairs (which I hate) because he keeps me up with his snoring (which I hate too) but he is ALWAYS asleep when I get up, no matter what time.

I've tried to encourage him to get into a better routine to help him, but he sits up watching TV late. I know he doesn't always brush his teeth and it's really off putting but how do I 'tell' a grown man he needs to wash and brush teeth daily??

I know he is unwell but I am too, I'm now signed off work with depression myself, but despite feeling like utter shite myself, sometimes feel at times I'd be better at work as I am trying to get myself in a better place (as HE needs ME to be well) but he brings me down (although I know he doesn't mean to) with his low moods and irritability and snappy moods

I don't know how to discuss any of this as I know he feels worthless and I don't want to make it worse but I can't cope if he never works again then I feel it's my fault for not making him more financially responsible

I am a horrible person aren't I?

I'll post this quick and to the point because my battery is running out.

This was me and my ex, we have 2 children and were both in a deep slump going nowhere fast.
In the end I finished it, it was tough but 4 years later he is married with a dc on the way and still has our boys every weekend, he seems happier and healthier.
I have a new DP and 2 more children and I'm much better.

We couldn't fix each other and being together was making us worse.

I feel bad that I can't 'fix him'
I feel it's my fault
I am stressed being the one responsible for everything
These phrases are in your original post.
And in isolation, they show a shift from supportive care for someone into a different cycle of rescuing, self-blame and guilt.
I'm not going to tell you to LTB, but that might be what comes later. It doesn't always though (my partner has similar issues, he is in treatment and also doing a lot of self-care, like working again - the routine helps).
Can you get wait listed for CBT or other help yourself?

Because it can very easy to lose your own identity when you're with someone who is very ill, it can feel like their condition is everything.
And yes, you could leave, but when you're in the mindset where you have to "fix" people, you may well take up with someone new who also needs saving.

So look for help for yourself, then you can be healthy enough to give strength to someone else - just like with the oxygen masks on planes, you fit your own first.

As for it not being his fault that there is no funding, well, it isn't yours either and you nailing yourself to the cross won't help either.

I am on the waiting list for CBT for myself. Will be at least 4 weeks til I hear back

Which puts me in another quandary about returning to work.
I want to feel better
I have recognised just being off work isn't 'making me better' in the sense that I feel better having a break and not bring at work but I know I can't go back to work having had some time off and expect to be better
But if not that then I don't feel like I can be off another 4 weeks waiting for CBT as

1. I won't be better just by having my first appointment, it will take time, but then how long will that be before I feel better enough to go back - they won't wait forever
2. I am having a meeting with work next week about "how we can get you back to work"
3. I am worried about when I go back as I have to have a meeting now due to absence level/duration but I'm scared once I go back "that's it" as if I am off again it will trigger some formal process again, so having to be well enough to go back knowing I can't be off again puts more pressure on me and when I'm feeling better (on good days) I immediately begin to question whether I am "better enough"

"Maybe I'm expecting too much but I'd like him to notice things need doing"

In my experience, that IS expecting a lot. Most men need quite a lot of specific direction (me included) if you want something done, let alone with MH issues thrown into the mix!

Great that you are wait listed!
Until you get to see someone in person, you may want to consider online help like NHS Choices or a self-help group in your area.
Mind.org.uk has a lot of information about returning to work as does the Fit For Work scheme, it may be worth contacting either of them for advice.

You are catastrophising a little here.

Is there any way your Number 3 item can be discussed at your meeting next week?

having to be well enough to go back knowing I can't be off again puts more pressure on me...
If you don't know this yet, you need to clarify whether you can be off again.
Your illness has a few elements to it that are not like gallstones for instance, or a broken collar bone. Does your company have a policy specifically for MH issues? Do they understand that it is hard to quantify what 'better' is? Do they understand that 'well enough' might be the best to hope for?

You are putting pressure on yourself to feel better.
You are also stressed about reaching a goal of 'being better' that is not really quantifiable.
You seem to be putting pressure on yourself about being back to work based on aspects of your workplace policy that you may not know.

Would you be able to combine some work at home with some half days there? Is there some way you could contribute at work without committing to 5 x 8 hour days (or whatever your schedule normally is)?

Would you be able to see your MH as a place on a spectrum, where you can accomplish some things but not others, and to try not to see the glass half empty? In other words, try not to panic.

mathanxiety thank you. When I first read you saying I was catastrophying I had a bit of a 'head in hands' moment as I feel like I know I am yet at the same time don't know how to stop it

Some good points you made and things to think about at meeting. I am going to try to write things down over next few days when I'm feeling like I can think OK so I know what to say or ask at the meeting if I get stuck for words or upset

Right. First of all, if he's in the ESA support group he's really really ill. There's no help to get back to work from the ESA support group as most people in the support group are expected to never work again. Now, that doesn't mean that he won't work again but he means that if his condition stays the same someone at the DWP has presumed that that is his prognosis. In terms of PIP it is, IME, significantly easier to get PIP on MH grounds that it is to be placed in the support group so he should be fine in getting it approved. Here are the criteria: pip They will also use his ESA paperwork to make a decision. Remember when looking at the criteria that he has to be able to do those things safely, reliably, in a timely fashion, repeatedly and as often as needed-and without being reminded or prompted. If he needs reminding to wash that's 2 points, if he needs reminding to cook that's 2 points, if needs reminding to dress in appropriate clothing that's 2 points, if he doesn't socialise that's 2 points-he needs 8 points to qualify. Get some help with the forms as they can be tricky.

A good thing to do is to write down things you know and things you can find out, in two columns. Sometimes it helps to have the columns side by side, with your paper horizontal rather than vertical (iykwim). That way you can distinguish more easily between the two lists.

If you do a list every day after you've got up and dressed, had breakfast, etc., you will be able to start the day with your list to refer to when you feel a bit panicky. Or add to it as things occur to you, or as you find out solid information.

unweavedrainbow - "There's no help to get back to work from the ESA support group as most people in the support group are expected to never work again."

Sorry if I wasn't clear in earlier posts, what I meant about the irony of being part of a "support" group and not getting any, was that he receives financial help, but neither he nor I am supported by dwp in any other way, in relation to his condition and wellbeing, maybe I am taking the naming too literally, but I obviously wrongly assumed he would get some sort of support having been deemed that unwell iyswim?
Thank you for the links though, I will have a look at them
When you suggest getting help with the forms, do you know who we could go to for help with them?

math I assume you are referring to my reply to your advise about noting things for my meeting - thank you for your tops

And thank you to everyone who has replied to me, your support has been invaluable

Hmmm. OP, you are NOT a 'horrible person'. You are a person with a lot on your plate and it is absolutely fine to feel stressed about this. It is really difficult to 100% support someone especially when you are going through your own mental health difficulties. In this case you need to put your own wellbeing first.

Take baby steps, see if you could have a staggered back to work approach maybe with diminished responsibilities or shortened days/weeks.The CBT will be helpful in the short term, keep you afloat and give you some strategies to cope with low mood. It's a slow climb but it can be really helpful. You can also get counselling through the NHS, or try googling low cost counselling in your area. There are lots of organisations that will offer sessions for around 0-6£ a session which are good if you want something more open ended than CBT.

Unfortunately you can't also do the work of getting better/getting to a level of functioning for your husband. If he is flat out refusing to engage with strategies and services that COULD help him then this is really unfair because it puts the burden/anxieties back on you. I know how difficult it is struggling with depression/anxiety/panic attacks and how hopeless it feels so I'm not speaking on this as an outsider. It is insanely frustrating navigating the MH services and it can take a long time to get help but there is help out there. However his reactions have backed you into this corner where you feel that you can't have a conversation about it with him and that's really unfair because you end up feeling totally alone. You express that you 'need to get off your chest that you are unhappy too' about lots of important issues - but don't seem to be able to voice this in your relationship.

It seems like you need to have a serious conversation or some time apart. As long as he is with you, his situation is being facilitated and he won't change. Maybe you need some time to focus on yourself and your own wellbeing.

The more you do the less he does. This sounds like you are doing the best you can to help him,but it is working the opposite way . You have to decide if this is the way you want to live your life and give yourself permission to do what you have to do without guilt.

He has no motivation to do anything as you pick up the slack for him. You feel as if you are sinking too. Your first duty is to yourself. Guilt is brainwashed into you as a woman so you feel obliged'to sacrifice yourself for whoever. If you do not want to continue to live your life this way, then change it. There must be some kind of therapy that helps you to dump guilt.

Ah yes, you are taking the name slightly too literally. "Support" is this sense means that he has been deemed unwell enough to be supported by the state financially without any conditions or any need to prepare to go back to work. It IS possible to receive ongoing support from the Job centre if you're in the support group, on an entirely voluntary basis, although I would suggest that your dh concentrates on getting better first. In terms of getting help with the forms benefits and work have very good guides (which you do have to pay for, £20 I think) which guide you through the forms step by step. The CAB offer personalised benefit support and often have drop in sessions so that you can get help face to face. Carer's UK (yes, you count as a carer) have a very good advice line. There are also a few very active facebook groups who provide PIP support. Fightback are very helpful and you don't need to join their VIP platform to get help, just join their FB group. They also offer an over the phone advice and form filling service. There are also lots of people around on MN who are familiar with the PIP system-I myself am very familiar so if you need any help just give me a shout

It might be a way to dampen down the catastrophising - to see what is in your mind visually represented on paper, with the worries in the column marked 'To Do/To Find Out', or something like that.