To not want to pay for a party for DS cos ex is inviting their partner and family?

[c3pu]

My ex and I spoke about organising a party for DS at a local soft play, and going halves on the cost. Sounded fine, so I agreed in principle, but nothing more was mentioned about it for months.

Fast forward to this morning, and my ex gets in touch about booking it up. Only now it transpires that not only is it a kids party, but my ex is inviting lots of family and partner.

I said that's not the sort of event I want to pay into, as my family won't want to attend as my ex has been rude to them in the past, and my ex doesn't want my partner there either (which isn't so unreasonable as we've not been together long).

Am I being unreasonable to not want to shell out for a party where I'm going to be marginalised?

Why don't you pay maintaince.

Does your child maintenance cover the cost of holding birthday parties? That's supposed to be factored into mine for cost of living.

Should be... But our 8yo DSS was told last year that they wouldn't be doing him a party because he had a sibling now too. So we stepped in and paid for one.

Are adults without children even allowed into soft play? I might fabricate something to say that they aren't...

We have a shared care arrangement so we don't pay maintenance. We share the child benefit though.

Don't pay for it then. And if you still want to, give your ds a party on your terms, that you pay for.

Tell her it's not what you agreed and to go ahead on her own (and pay for it herself) and you will celebrate on a different day.

That's pretty much what I'm leaning towards. She wants me pay for an event pretty much on her terms, and if that's not negotiable then I think it will be best if we both have separate events.

Next year it will be my turn to have them on their birthdays and I expect I shall organise a similar event, with the only adults invited being her and I, as I think that's the most appropriate way of dealing with it.

i agree with other posters on here. fast forward i had to spend a weekend at alton towers for my daughters 21st birthday. It was her request that me and her dad, seperated for twenty years spend the weekend together with my other children by another partner.it was akward but i had to put my feelings aside to make a fantastic weekend for my daughter.

Start saving for therapy OP because if this is the start of "I'll only pay for X if Y isn't there" your child is going to suffer. All of the adults have to put aside differences and put the child's interests first. So yes, YABU.

Just tell her you are not contributing as you are hosting your own party on a different day.

Id just back out and do something else. This will only set a precedent.

I'd do it and invite my bf if he was already in your dcs life.

Do not hold separate parties! I feel really cross reading this post. That is not a normal way to proceed, but it is a good way to make your children feel utterly divided and like their own mum and dad can't even be together for two hours.

Who cares about payment? If you pay half, that's a party you don't have to organize yourself, which I would consider a bonus.

Go- it will make your children happy to have dad there. You don't have to be 'welcomed' by everyone, just go because it's good for your children.

As for having rival families ignoring each other, words fail me.

Honestly, this is a sure way to mess up kids' heads.

Your family and ex will have to grin and bare it. My dm hates my ex (with good reason) but for birthday parties and family occasions they are civil to each other for the sake of dd. There will be loads of future occasions they will miss out on if they can't be grown up about it.

Soft play parties normally only provide food and entertainment for the kids so if there are lots of adults there they will be buying their own drinks and helping out with the kids. I don't think it makes a huge difference in terms of what adults are there, the party is for your child and friends. If you want to bring family you can too. Or you can do something separate with your family. Your child will probably not spend much time with the grown ups anyway. You are paying half for your child and friends not for the grown ups.

Their Mum and I get along just fine. Her bf however hates me (for no reason)...

I think I would do it, but insist on bringing at least one friend/partner/relative so that you have someone to talk with. If anyone is unpleasant ignore them. Not fun for you, but I agree that your DC need both of you there - also if it gets cancelled you will be made the villain.

Next year make plans well in advance.

I would either have the party with the only adults being you and ex or have separate parties. I speak as having been the child in this situation no matter how much people tried to get on for us kids we knew it was awkward and it ruined it for us. Life was easier for us when we kept everything separate.

Its sad it needs to be done but if it adults cant get on well without forcing it then everyone's better apart.

Inviting grown ups with no kids to soft play is pointless. They'll just be standing around staring in through the netting!

I think perhaps you should just both organize your own parties. If soft play is too expensive, shelve it for this year.

When my dd was graduating this year two of her friends were very upset and dreading the day as divorced parents didn't talk. For one it was the first time her parents had been in the same room for years. Stop this now so as your dc grow up they will be spared this nonsense. Go to the party. Bring your family along. They need to rise above the situation for your dcs sake. Your ex will not expect your family to come so it's good to surprise her and let her know she have no time for shit. Of course they should all be on their best behaviour if building memories for a little child. Its practice for graduation wedding etc. You be the big person here. Split the cost and go for it.

I can see why you would resent paying half for a party where you'll feel uncomfortable and outnumbered. It does seem like you may have only been invited for a financial contribution! At the end of the day, it's a party your child will probably love. Is there some sort or compromise where you could make a contribution to the party, as a part birthday present to your son, but no go? It could make the difference between him being able to have the party and not funds wise. You could then do something separate and special yourself with him. I think do basically what followtheyellowbrick road said.

If you are not genuinely at risk of harm stop being a drama llama and prioritise your child over you 'being made to feel comfortable'

The OP is allowed to feel uncomfortable and is allowed to vent about it, sounds like him and his Ex have joint custody, and therefore they both in an ideal world should be there. However it feels to me very much like she did it for the financial contribution, OP said with their older child they did seperate birthdays.

Ex has decided to throw the party, asked the OP for half the money, I would assume the OP thought it was to be a joint thing and then at the eleventh hour is told about how her new partner and parents are going, but he can't invite anybody. I think he has every right to be pissed off (even if the DC mothers family invited themselves) and I think he has every right not want to fund this party when he can't invite his own partner or parents because it might cause a scene. The mother is at fault here she should tell her partner to button it if he has an issue and be civil to the child's father and his parents should the OP decide to invite them. If not she should then not invite her partner or parents and only the child's parents should attend.

The adults are free. You're not paying for any of your Exs adult family.
You sound like a petulant five year old. Time to grow up and paint that smile on for the sake of your child.

Where does it say he's been told he cant his family will chose not to attend the only not allowed is his recent new girlfriend