To feel resentful about DH going away

[Sparkydo]

We have a 4yo and a nearly 2yo. The 2yo doesn't sleep. We're up every night multiple times with him. We take it in turns to look after him whilst the other sleeps. In September DH is going away on a leisure trip for 10 days. He'd planned this over a year ago and I said fine. But now it's drawing closer and I'm panicking as I don't know how I'm going to cope with the nights and go to work as well. It's starting to piss me off that he's going. My friends haven't helped by telling me he's lucky I'm "letting" him go. But I'm no his keeper! However, AIBU to feel resentful that he's going and leaving me to deal with this on my own?

Honestly, call on your ILS for help. Doesn't have to be for the full 10 days but it would break up the time, give them a chance to bond with the kids and you a break. 10 days is a bloody long time and I would be dreading it without some back up somewhere along the line.

If you both work then I assume both children have childcare in place? Then I would take some time off during the 10 days, send the children to childcare as usual and have some time to yourself. Nap, read and relax!

Yes, you gave him your blessing to go but it's ok to be having a wobble about it. You can't make him feel guilty about it but you can still talk to him about sleep worries etc

I like the idea of mentally banking the time, you may not want to use them for years and you may not want to a 10 day holiday alone. One day in 4 months you may want some mental space for half a day and decide to go and see a film on your own that isn't a PG. You can go guilt free, not that you should feel guilty anyway, it would be fine if he hadn't gone away for 10 days.

When my kids were younger I did many sporting events and a few sporting trips away on my own. I always told my husband he was more than welcome to do the same, he spoke about stuff but there was nothng he had the inclination to organize. 8 years later and something came up that he really wanted to do and off he went.

Well if you don't want to go away for ten days then don't. But it sounds like you could do with some time for yourself which is probably why you are feeling so resentful of your dh getting some time away.

Could you go on a weekend away, with a friend or even by yourself. I would enjoy a spa break solo lol.

You need to make sure you are doing things for yourself too.

Tbh the real problem is your 2yo not sleeping, so I'd be concentrating on resolving that. I understand your reticence about sleep training but a child who isn't sleeping is not only having an impact on you and your dh. How is behaviour otherwise? I know some children struggle more than others, but there are gentle methods available. Without knowing what you've tried already it's difficult to advise. As others have ever said, perhaps cosleeping might be a temporary fix while he's away. But I would be looking at helping your child learn to sleep through.

DS doesn't sleep because he's only 21m. It isn't unusual

Plenty of 21m old toddlers sleep through, you say you are happy to accept that he doesn't sleep - but not happy that your DH is planning to go away for 10 days . The longer you continue to co-sleep the harder it will be for your DS to learn to self settle. Honestly, why aren't you prepared to deal with the sleep issue - that to me is far more important than who has or doesn't have a 10 day holiday?

You've contradicted yourself op.
In the op you've said, you don't want him to go away because your dc doesn't sleep.
Further down, you say it's fine your dc doesn't sleep, and you don't want to sleep train.
Fine, but then you can't complain about being tired, as you have chosen to not do anything about it.

Like others, I think the sleep is the issue. If he slept, you'd be happy with your dh taking a break.

I'm not judging, but not helping your child to sleep is in an attitude I don't understand. It isn't good for anyone.

Maybe tell your husband that you are nervous about how you are going to manage and come up with a plan to try to get the sleep more settled with your DS. We tried lots of different options (putting him down earlier, giving him a nightlight which really helped actuallly, and various other things). I'm not saying you will solve it, because he is 2 and some of them just don't sleep, but if you actively try different solutions before DH goes, maybe you will be less resentful of him going (especially if he does some of the hard work sleep training!)

Take time off of work too - why not? Or at least half of it! Can you also make a list of things you want to do for yourself that week. I know if I had an extended period on my own I'd be making lists of soppy films that DH doesn't like and listening to my music every night and relishing having my own space.I love him dearly, but it is rare for me to get the remote! Could you book a babysitter one night and go out with friends. Things to enjoy - so you are looking forward to it. Maybe get the inlaws over for a weekend and let them babysit for a night?

I think you will cope really well, but it is about looking at it with a positive eye and doing all you can to prepare (batch cooking in advance so you don't have to bother, allowing yourself a takeaway or 2 just because!)

Yes I think the key is that DH is as involved a parent as I am. I can leave knowing all is well.
That's the key. - a partner who is just as good as you at the kid stuff!

My husband goes away on a fishing trip for a week every year. I don't like being left home for a week but it is easier now the kids are older. I have always said I don't mind him going as long as he takes us all on a family holiday every year. If he can't afford to take us on holiday then he can't go for a week (he is the earner in our house).

Hopefully your youngest will start sleeping by the time he goes. If you can take a few days off work then that could be good too.

YABU. it's important to have lives apart and your own interests, even when you have kids.

my DH is off for a 16 day trip round india at the end of the year - and i'm genuinely thrilled for him. he's going to have a brilliant time doing something he's always wanted to do and i hope will disconnect (he works long stressful hours.)

the difference here is that i've just had a week away with a girlfriend and have another one planned in september, so we have a good balance.

we have a three year old whose sleep has gone completely to pot recently. i'm hoping that by the time he travels she will have improved, or i'll just have to suck it up for 16 days. i work full time and we live overseas so no family help at all, but i can't possible think of denying him the trip.

I'm totally with Ifiwasabadger
In a lovely partnership, you both give each other "time off". You're still individual people with your own interests.
I think the thing here op is that you don't have friends you want to go with.... How about a few weekends on your own. Just shopping/reading books/just being?

I honestly don't feel that my 21m old not sleeping at this stage is a problem (for him)! It will come, I just don't want to be forced into sleep training simply because DH is going away. He is great in every other way and I have no concerns. DS1 was the same and is now sleeping great at 4. But I appreciate what has been said and that this is the choice I have made. I think I will take the week off and just suck it up - we do have childcare in place for 3 days and this will give me a few days to myself! I will look into taking some time off in lieu, so to speak. Thanks for your opinions, it has been insightful to see what other people think and how other relationships work!

OP only on MN is it considered ok for a parent to take 10 days leave while the other one struggles on. If you don't want to do sleep training that's ok, but why the fuck did you ever think your dh going away for 10 days would be ok?? I know the answer would be no way in this house. And no I'm not my dh keeper, but nor am l a single parent. The early years are shit and you both just have to knuckle down and get through it - together.

Although you've said ok so l don't think you can change that now.

Diggers I was hoping DS would be sleeping by now!

I'm glad I don't live in your house Diggers
We both "knuckle down" with the parenting thing 50 weeks of the year/ the other two are to go off individually and have a wonderful
time!
OP, I agree that the sleep thing is not an issue. Both of mine were the same. You know it will pass.
I never died controlled crying so I am with you on that.
Best of luck

Did not died!

Well Oly we don't holiday without each other so I'm glad i don't live in your house as l would hate that

But OP it shows we are all different and if it means a lot to you then you need to talk with your dh. My dh wouldn't want 10 days on his own juggling everything so wouldn't do it to me. But, my youngest is 9 months old, when dd are older, more independent our ideals may change.

Update: I've had a chat with DH and told him how anxious I am about him going away. He's said he will limit his trip to max 7 days and stressed that he's alway happy for me to go away for a bit on my own and that I don't have to wait for him to go away to get my own time to myself. I think to be honest my anxiety is once again getting in the way. It's been really helpful to get your opinions on this as it's given me an insight into other people's relationships. I feel much better about things.
And I'm still not sleep training

Good news Sparky do! make sure you stock up on lots of goodies to treat yourself during that week :)

10 days?!?! I mean long weekend is one thing but that is ages.

Could you talk to him about cutting short?