Making her wait before introducing her new boyfriend

[ChronicPainDaddy]

Hello, I'm wondering what other people think of the situation I fond myself in now. I was with my wife for five years and married for four before she left earlier this year. There were alot of issues in our relationship that I tried to fix but she just went out with her friends on nights out constantly.

We have two young children, eldest daughter is nearly four and her younger brother is 2 1/2. Hes had alot of medical problems from birth, spent a lot of time in and out of hospital, and required alot of medical help even at home that I became responsible for as she couldn't face handling it. He's mostly healthy now, just a few lingering issues, but because I have always dealt with his care he bonded with me more then his mum.

I have been unable to work for two years due to a chronic pain condition but became the kids main carer for a long time due to their mum stepping back, not really sure why.

Anyway towards the end of April she said that she was going to go and stay with friends for a few weeks as a trail separation. During that time we texted and called as normal and nothing seemed amiss and I thought she would come back but on mothers day I pressed her for an answer if she was coming back and she admitted that she wasn't, we were over and then warned me that she might end up in a relationship with a guy she meet on her many nights out, but she didn't have feelings for him. Even longer story cut short, within two weeks she was with him and living in a bedsit that social services had declares unfit for kids to be in for any time. So she came to the house to see the kids, rare as that was, until hee house was cleared for kids, done in the last few weeks nd the kids have been there twice.

However now her boyfriend is moving in with her and she wants the kids to meet him and his two year old, who he has every other weekend, and be a happy little step family.

I've said that the kids aren't to meet him yet as even though she's sure he's now the one for her it's still too soon after she left to introduce him to the kids. She hasn't seen them a massive amount and they are still adjusting.

She says I'm being spiteful because she's with someone else and she can now only have the kids for a few hours at a time as he works til two most days and so will be in the house after that.

I just want the kids to have their mum's full attention when they see her and have made clear that I'm not saying he can never meet them, just not yet.

Sorry for the post getting out of hand and long but I don't have anyone I can really ask this too as my day's are taken up completely by the kids so don't speak to grown ups alot

Considering that she never looked after them for any real length of time so when I'm feeling very cynical I think eventually that she will drift away from them, especially if she gets pregnant as I expect her to.

She's always been a little distant with our youngest as he was in hospital for three weeks from birth and she missed that initially bonding. Then with all his medical issues limiting what he could do, he had a tube in his nose to keep his airway open and another tube for feeding him directly into his stomach which I took care off as he hated them and would scream blue murder so she couldn't handle changing them and such

WTF? She doesn't have any feelings for the new boyfriend, but wants to introduce him to her children? Did I read that right?

I don't think her fuckbuddy should be introduced to the children.

But since she isn't even violent, you have zero chance from legally preventing this. (Women with violent male ex-partners often cannot do anything, either, the laws are shit)
You can only try to convince her that it would be better for the children if they got some time to get used to the new situation.

Her saying she didn't't have feelings for him was when she left and I think was more a way of trying to maintain the appearance of her leaving as being due to problems in the relationship rather then the fact she developed feelings for someone on one of her many nights out.

Hopefully she'll stick to what she agreed in mediation, that she'd see them without him for the time being, but I'm not sure how long that will last as she's already made clear her plan to have our kids at the same weekends her partner has his daughter and be a happy little step family

She's agreed to keep them separate for the time being so hopefully that sticks. I wouldn't want to hurt the kids by flat out stating that they can't see her as I want them too. The issue hasn't been forced yet, we've had arguments over the issue but she hasn't forced the issue yet. If it came to it about all I could do is say that because I don't agree with it that I won't drop the kids off, she'd have to get them herself when she wants to see them but that would cause her to refuse to see them I'm sure as she doesn't want to get the two buses it takes to get here and then the same two back, she's refused to see the kids on those grounds before unless I picked her up

This sounds horrible and I'm not entirely sure it's in the kids best interest to keep seeing her, but only time will tell.
Definitely don't send her any money and have a look at getting maintenance for your children, she's still responsible for them whether she likes it or not.

Yeah it's not the best situation by far but I do what I can to shield the kids from everything and they're doing well. It's hard to get her to see that but I know if it was the other way round she'd see it that way. In her mind because I 'won,' as in are looking after the kids in the family home, then the least I can do is help her out with money and that's it's the normal thing to do in this situation. It's kind of hard to chip away at her world view and get her to see things any other way but hers

OP what an awful situation and thank goodness you are focused on what is best for your children given that your ex clearly isn't and never has from what you say. You mentioned that social services had already said that your ex's place was not suitable for children, so they are involved to an extent. With that in mind, why don't you talk to them about your concerns of your children's well-being. Maybe they can assist?

I find it appalling that your ex can basically do what she wants in terms of introducing the children to anyone in any time limit.

Social services weren't directly involved with us, she moved into a bedsit when she left that a friend of hers had lived in with her 18 month old and social services got involved with her because the house was apparently the most disgustingly unclean house the social worker had ever seen so a ban was put on all kids going there which included ours.

I've no doubt that in her mind she's always done what's beat for them but that doesn't always match what other people would consider best for them. She loves showing off our eldest as she's a lovely little girl who wraps everyone around her little finger but is less inclined to do similar with our son as he can be challenging as he gets frustrated with his lack of language and can sometimes throw bad tantrums so he doesn't boost the ego with comments on how perfect he is, though hes amazing as he's been through more in his two years then most people do in 40

It sounds like you're being a great dad, but you haven't won anything as such. You're simply looking after your kids in the family home, had she made other choices it could've been her. So no, please realise you don't owe her anything- help her out if you're willing and able but don't feel obligated to do so in any way.