DH criticising my driving...

[BadGirlsareGoodSometimes]

My first proper post - been lurking for ages but today I'd really welcome your opinions.

I'm not the most confident driver (took me 4 attempts to pass my test, although that was 18 years ago) but (touch wood) I've not been in any accidents. Admittedly I'm fine on my own and only more nervous with a passenger but I'm not dangerous, just a little hesitant and cautious.

Background:
So, 2 weeks ago my DH broke his arm and it's in a caste (irrelevant how it happened really - it was a DIY accident). Since then I've been driving him to and from work most days unless I have a prior work commitment (I work freelance; mostly from home but occasionally from clients offices).

My issue:
Every day DH has commented (moaned and been critical) on my driving. Sometimes it's in response to a question I ask about whether I 'should go' at a junction etc, as I've been asking him. He has very definite ideas about who/when I should let people in (or not!) and how fast I should drive etc, so after last weeks comments I've started asking him his opinion. However jnstead of replying nicely I've had the likes of 'f*ing cyclists - overtake him!'; 'you went too fast past those teenagers' (that walked out in front of me as I went round a mini roundabout - so I wasn't going that fast!); 'don't let them in'; 'stop farting about and put your foot down'....you get the picture...

I've bit my lip till now - often resulting in a stony silence from me, but this morning the comments were non-stop.

So once I arrived at the gym for my Friday morning class I text him this:

Honey - I'm not the best or most confident driver at the best of times, so your constant beratement and criticisms do nothing to help me. I'm doing my best to get you where you need to be so please stop criticising me. You've really upset me and it's not fair. If you don't like my driving you can make your own arrangements for the next three weeks until your caste is off. Have a good day - I'm at the gym. See you where I dropped you at 6pm Xx

His response:
It is quite simple, when you ask my advice when you are driving I give you advice, but, you being you, you argue about what I say so just don't ask for it. If you don't want to drive me in then don't. X

My response:
The delivery of your advice needs some work honey 😝. I am happy to drive you; I never said I wasn't. You were the one moaning you'd drive yourself next week 😳 xxx

Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed (and upset!) by his (unusually quick - I often have to wait an age for him to respond) response?? He is pretty rubbish at using the 'S ' word at the best of times (but is amazing and wonderful in every other way and we are very happy!).

I am particularly upset because he is also rubbish at using the 'T' word too and all I wanted was a simple 'sorry for upsetting you honey' and 'thank you for driving me to work'.

I should add:

• it's only a 25 minute journey (with good traffic) and I really don't mind driving him. Its meant I've been more diligent about going to the gym (which is on the way home) which is good.
• given his broken arm I'm doing other jobs that he would normally do too, like mowing the lawn, putting out the rubbish...basically anything requiring two good arms (😳).

I would love your opinions as I'm in a serious grump now and it's going to bother me all day. AIBU to expect a 'sorry'??

It involves me confirming that I do not require his comments on my driving, nor will I be soliciting his opinion. 'I've been driving for 18 years thank you - and an very happy with my driving style and how courteous I am to other road users' (including cyclists who don't bother me nearly as much as him), and if he can't hold his tongue he can make alternative arrangements to get to and from work.

Whoo hoo! You go, girl!

If my husband criticised me, I wouldn`t even bother driving him. He would be told to catch a bus/train/taxi until he could drive himself!

Hi OP. The very next time he does it, pull over and throw him out. DW had to do this to me last year, when I forgot my manners. Because we're past our Silver, she did it at a bus stop. Because I wanted see Gold, I went to John Lewis and bought her L'Air du Temps in the big bottle.

:) @ Disgrace.

For years my husband had periods of being unable to drive due to health issues. I drove everywhere including regular cross country trips for our children's sports events. I made it clear very early on that I was driving because he was unable to. If I didn't drive him he wouldn't be able to go where he wanted to go. If he didn't like my driving he could get a cab. My terms for driving were no backseat driving, no tuts, no interference.

Later once the kids were learning to drive themselves it became a bit of a family joke criticising my driving. I lost t with them pointing out that they'd all been quite happy to be driven by me when they had no choice, that I was the one who had taken them out in the car for their first, frankly terrifying, driving practices and it was poor payback to star criticising me now.
To their credit they recognised the truth of this and stopped.

I'm not a bad driver and my family know this. Put your foot down OP. You've driven for 18 years and a bit of respect is due.

Wow, your husband's reply is abrupt and verging on rude. He should be grateful that you are giving him a lift. Does he thank you? If He's not thanking you, I would say fine, make your own way there!

As well as his rudeness, disrespect and lack of appreciation over the lifts I dislike his "you being you" criticism: nasty and disrespectful.

It concerns me that your initial response to the criticism was to ask for his "help" in decision making.

Is he like this about other stuff?

My DH is critical about my driving and it really pisses me off so he doesn't get lifts.

If I'm not in a rush I generally let people out at junctions, esp if you can see they've been waiting.

Not quite the same thing I know, but I have had to drive my octogenarian mother to visit my (also octogenarian) father who has been in hospital for eight weeks so far. She can no longer drive due to eyesight problems. It is a pig of a journey and stressful enough as it is. Well, I have had to give up due to all the shrieking etc - she says herself she is a terrible passenger.

Shriek - what's that? (a parked car).

Shriek - what's happening? (I'm slowing down for the lights and the brakes are a bit sharp in this new car).

Shriek - what's wrong? (Nothing - no really, nothing).

After a few weeks my driving confidence was fast ebbing away - I truly must be a terrible driver.

Now we go via tram and bus - takes forever but less stressful (she allows me to drive to the tram station - still a few shrieks though).

The point it - I have driven for FORTY years and she can't even see properly, and yet still it has come to this point. Confidence is all too easily eroded - don't let him do this.

What Screwy said - one chance and he's out.

I did this to DH years ago and now will only drive him if we've been out for the evening and he's had a drink as he's not in a position to comment.

If we go anywhere in my car I usually let him drive, but I've stopped doing that now as frankly why the hell should I defer to him in my own bloody car. On this occasions he's been an utter tosser, so he will have to make his own way in future.

Dh is terrible for this. I have no sense of direction and really struggle to find my way when I'm somewhere unfamiliar even with sat baby. He refuses to help me with directions as apparently I need to 'learn' ( I'm 30 and have been driving for 12 years; it's not a learning thing, I just don't have that ability). When I get confused, he ends up yelling at me which makes me more confused .

Oh I forgot to add, he's now feeling the consequences of this as I now refuse to drive anywhere unfamiliar! We're going out for tea tonight agter spending the day an hour away so guess who's on the lemonade 😂.

"each time I've done that he has got annoyed so I've been asking 'should I let that person out?'."

It sounds like you're trying to pre-empt his criticism by asking his opinion first. But what you need to understand is that he is not you. He doesn't care about hurting your feelings (and he sounds like an aggressive driver) and he doesn't make an attempt to smooth things over with "honey"s and smiley faces.

He doesn't sound very nice. I wouldn't drive him at all.

Your driving ability had nothing to do with hoe many times you sat your test.
Remove that from your mind straight away!
18 years with no accidents is a much better indicator of your abilities.
Ignore your unhelpful passenger

Mate, he broke his ARM... Not his legs. He's perfectly able to walk...

I'd say six of one half a dozen of the other.

No he shouldn't be making belittling comments about your driving (and it does nothing to improve your driving if you know every action is going to be carped on about).

Equally you should not be relying on him to effectively co-drive the car and make crucial descions for you after 18 years of driving. If you don't trust your judgement, don't be surprised that passengers don't. It is petrifying being a passenger in a car where you feel the driver isn't in control or whose judgement you don't trust and you can't do anything about it.

It seems together you are in a downward cycle 'you lack confidence in your judgement, so solicit advice from passenger, passenger feels entitled to offer advice on your driving, undermining your confidence further, leading to greater indecisiveness and asking advice from the passenger.

I think you need to adopt a don't ask, don't tell policy. 'You don't ask him to co-drive, he doesn't tell you what to do.'