To dislike being married to a teacher at this time of year?

[Bbqsareoverrated]

DH is a private school teacher and will start his 8 week summer holidays next week.

He's already moaning that he's going to have to go in for about 2 weeks of prep during the holidays.

We both work full time and DS is at nursery so over the summer break DH is only going to have to do 5 days of childcare in total (and we also have 1.5 weeks off all together).

To be fair to DH, I know he'll get bored a week in and start doing some household jobs. But I'm 24 weeks pregnant and shattered and really resenting the time to himself. I also want him to offer to do the majority of nursery drop offs and pick ups as he can then do what he likes during the day (including going back to bed!)

I know I'm going to be appreciative of free summer holiday childcare when we have school-aged kids (and DH won't know what has hit him then!!) but AIBU to be just a bit resentful and to expect him to offer to do for more nursery drop offs and to give me more lie-ins at weekends now? Or I am just being tired and grumpy??

I'd totally second keeping DS at home for some of the time, even though you are paying for it. My DC were both in nursery FT (neither DH and I are teachers) and I would allow myself 1 or 2 'me time' days per YEAR but otherwise if I was off work, so were they - I missed them enough. I accepted the fees were what they were. When DS came along I dropped DD to 2 days a week though, so I had some 121 bonding time with DS (on the basis that DD had had FT time bonding time, I felt DS deserved some).

Anyhow your DH is about to have lots of time off. Granted, he's earned it, but it's a precious time to increase his bond with DS and also for DS to have some 121 time before the massive change of a sibling arrives. Yes, DS will be fine when No2 comes but it's a lovely thing to make memories of daddy and son on grand days out etc.

Maybe keep him in nursery 2 days a week for stability and routine but let DH have him 3 days a week. You'll need that bond when No2 comes.

He should do all the nursery runs when he's off. If he wants a longer lie he can keep the child off nursery. I do think that he should want to spend some time with child1 before no2 comes along. I think many teachers live for their holidays and it can be hard to think they're vanishing before they've started. He needs to realise time at home with the child or doing DIY or whatever is still better than being at work!

I do agree he should be doing more all round, especially the pick up and drop off. However, if he is a teacher, at least some of his 8 week "holiday" will have to be used to plan, prepare, organise classroom, make displays and equipment, analyse data, and do all of the other general admin tasks that are required of a teacher which can not be done during term time because he is in a classroom, with students, teaching. He seems to think this will only take 2 of his 8 weeks - I'd say he is being optimistic, but maybe he has less to do than a maintained school teacher as he's working in the independent sector.

I'm not married to a teacher but I have quite a few friends who are teachers. I don't for one minute doubt that they work bloody hard but the problem with teachers I find is they do suffer slightly from 'no other profession works as hard as we do syndrome' and seem to struggle to acknowledge that other professions may be just as demanding. One friend I have is a part-time TA and constantly moans about how stressful her job is. I don't doubt that's true, but after a 15 hour shift on my feet three times a week (mental health nursing) in a high-stress environment it would be nice if she would acknowledge sometimes that my job is also hard, and I don't get anywhere near her holiday allowance! Obviously that's a personal example but I do find with teachers in general (more so than with other professionals) you need to point out to them sometimes that you work hard too.

I think in your situation you just need to be blunt with him and say you are really struggling with tiredness right now with being pregnant and working over the holidays and could he help you by doing the nursery drop-offs / pick-ups. I think it's a perfectly reasonable request.

I think you are right ....a bit of entirely natural resentment that he gets to be at home whilst you work plus hormones could blow up into a big mess . Far better to get it sorted. My ex used to grumble about doing nursery runs and childcare when he was at home and I was working until I pointed out that was my life year round. He simply hadn't seen it from that viewpoint just his own that he had "earned" his lie ins. If you both work it isn't unreasonable.

I "only" get 6 weeks but I won't spend a day of them working. It makes life a bit harder when I'm at work but I am of a mindset that needs to switch off entirely, or not at all.

KitKat I hear you! I've worked both in industry and education and have discussed this with teachers who have done both and the consensus is teachers do tend to work longer and harder in term time than other comparable non teaching graduate jobs but once you offset the longer holidays (even allowing for lesson planning etc) it works out about even.

My time in education was working with challenging teens....some days felt like lion taming and by the end of term I needed the break but honestly was it harder than the private commercial sector ,no,. Emotionally harder at times and draining but more rewarding too. I don't buy into the "teachers are more hard done by" school of thought and frankly neither do teachers who moved from other professions to teaching either (although they aren't daft enough to voice that opinion in the staffroom😀)

Today 09:53 StealthPolarBear

Surely no one only gets two weeks holiday if they work on the UK?

I don't work in the UK. Not that it's something one usually gets accused of lying about FFS

Ok so if you don't work on the UK then my comment isn't relevant to you , which is why I added that bit!
On the UK the legal minimum is 28 days.

I don't think you were the only one to mention two weeks. If you were then my comment was irrelevant and I apologise. I feel the ffs was unnecessary though.

"and he had jokingly said 'what about my lie-in'"

He was either joking or he wasn't. If he was, everything's hunky dory - he's just just winding you up. If he wasn't, then a talk is needed.

'anyone can do a pgce and be a teacher' how rude!

Why rude? What's stopping them? The vast majority of primary teachers I know trained after they had kids and wanted to have the same holidays, and whilst I am not a teacher I am married to one.

Recently ex teacher here just dropping in to acknowledge KitKat's point. I agree, teachers do tend to whinge about how hard they work and they are paid comparatively very well I left because I couldn't tolerate the behaviour anymore but I'll sure as hell miss the money and holidays!

I teach (qualified straight out of Uni and pre-kids) and DH is always a bit sarcastic at this time of the year....and all other holidays!). We had a childminder when they children were younger, but they never went in the holidays. We did have the option of only paying half rate to hold the place, which helped, but I liked having them at home with me. Another teacher at my school always bemoans in September the fact that he has spent the summer hols taking care of his own children. If he asked me whether I'd HAD to look after mine all holiday I would always reply that no, I'd enjoyed being on holiday with them though.

DH is of the opinion that if the childcare is there and paid for (in full) then they should be going, but I always liked having them around. But then, DH rarely books any of his annual leave in the school holidays (apart from the one week that we go away as a family in and when his factory has shutdown over Christmas) and on one year he booked his weeks off for the weeks they went back to school after the hols. Which I was NOT amused at. And yes, the DC went to the childminder those weeks.

I don't think that teaching is the most stressful, but it is certainly demanding because you have to be 100% on your ball with the teaching/behaviour management/prep/marking/planning etc. You can't have an off day, or a day where anything from home can affect your performance in front of the class as it will be picked up on. It grates a bit that people assume that we finish earlier. And that we don't work in the holidays. Or that we get paid for the holidays. But that all comes with choosing teaching as a career.

I spend my summer recharging my batteries, entertaining and spending time with my children (far easier now they are high school age) and addressing a long list of jobs that have built up when I've not been on top of things at home due to report writing, attending concerts and parents' evenings etc.

You are definitely, definitely NBU. And I speak as a moaning, tired teacher.

I have the reverse; DH is insanely jealous that I finish soon for 7 weeks summer holidays. But in return I have two DCs by myself, bar two weeks we're abroad.

In the days before children it was bliss and peace and exactly what I needed to soothe my soul. Now I can't remember what quiet sounds like because I've never had time to myself unless at some fancy spa day.

Both teachers and used to pay half.in hols with option of sending children in. But we always chose not to send them and kept them home with us. Little ones get tired and need a break from being surrounded by other kids. If he can't give up a couple of days to have one to one with the toddler that is a shame. And yes if he wants them to go to nursery so he can have down time, he should be taking on drop offs and pick ups to give you a break. Teaching is all consuming but spending time with your own is different.

I have 9 weeks off (Ireland) and dh loves it. No housework/shopping at weekends and lovely dinners every night. Only pay term time crèche fees so dd is with me all day and have been so excited about spending time with her.
The biggest perk though is he is currently eating a monster box of malteasers...( end of term present!)

I think it's really sad that your DH chooses to put your DS in nursery when he's off work.

Fair enough as you have to pay for it to have the odd day to himself or for DS to go in when DH goes into school. But he should want to spend some time with his DS and surely that's one of the advantages of teaching - that he does get long holidays.

If he were my DH I'd be very disappointed in his selfish attitude.

Dh and I were both teachers when our kids were young enough to be in daycare. They were contracted for 2.5 days a week (my part-time hours), so sometimes we'd keep them home, othertimes we'd send them in, but late, after a lie-in and family breakfast. We could then use the time to go back to bed do things we couldn't do while they were around, like clear out the loft/decorate etc..

Absolutely the best part of being off for the summer is spending time with the children when the rest of the year is so mental with both of us working. When I am off to give us both some respite I pick up the slack at home while DH catches up on his work. Your dh is having a total larf sorry.

I definitely think he should allow you more lie ins at the weekends. DH is a teacher but we're in NI and already a week into the holidays, he's already complained because a whole week of his holidays are over already and will be expecting a medal on Monday for looking after 2DCs on his own all day while I work, it is hard not to get sometimes!

My DH is a teacher and I'm not too jealous of his time off as my shift patterns mean I only have to work three days in a seven day period.

Our DS is in nursery two days a week and during the summer holidays we will continue this. I could perhaps bring myself to feel a bit jealous of the two child-free days a week he is going to have but on the flip side, on the days the three of us are home together my DH always sends me back to bed for a lie-in whilst he deals with DS in the morning.

The only downside to having DH at home every day for 6 weeks is that it means there is more mess to clean up as housework isn't his strong point....

I'm the teacher. I was PT so kept the DCs in nursery as usual so they had a mix of their routines and being home. They'd be dropped off later and picked up earlier and have some extra days off. Since I went FT, it's cheaper having a FT contract, so the younger one has a day or two off, and the older one has a day or two in holiday club. This gives us all the mix of down time and family time that we need. The younger one especially would struggle being home full time away from the social side of nursery.

I naturally wake earlier than DH so never get a decent lie in. I get the DCs dressed. DH does the nursery drop off ready for breakfast. I'll do the later holiday club run.

A lot of my summer gets used up on catch up chores, decorating etc. When DH is on holiday, he gets a better respite from routines and chores. He ends up with more days a year of shutting off and resting. My term times are more intense than his, and the way our routines fit together mean that I cop things like dinner preparation because I'm in the house earlier, even though I've had several hours head start on him. I then continue in the holidays becausr I'm in and he's not.

I was talking to a HLTA who's gone into education in recent years from another demanding profession. She finds that education is more intense because the pressure is so multi-layered. The turn around on deadlines is very tight so for example report writing/marking/data submission must all be done on tight deadlines or rotas. Meanwhile the time is rigidly set by classroom time, which must also be planned for. Then the extra meetings/phone calls/round robins/ etc. Everything that comes in is urgent with apparently little wriggle room for prioritising. Then there's the social angle. Keeping your calm with what can be hostile/ challenging audiences without chance to step away and clear your head. It can be possible to teach a 5 period day and have no meaningful conversation with another adult. Lots of jobs have these features, but it's the package together that is tough. Then there's the public perception that you're only working for 6 hours a day 38 weeks a year which is where the defensive attitude creeps in.

Anyway, I've had my two-weeks-until-the-end-of-term whinge. I can't remember who's unreasonable any more. I'm going to go back to sleep now I've woken after an early crash out and got up off the sofa ready to wake up bright and early to mark a load of assessments. When do I get a lie in?