to send letters before arranging my wedding?

[ladamanera]

Background: I suffer from clinical paranoia which I have been managing quite well. So well, that most people other than doctors and family don't know I have it. But it means I think most people are repulsed by me, and have severe social anxiety and panic attacks for which I take medication.

I would love to be socially confident and used to hold huge parties in order to try to face my fears head on, and have always pushed myself to be popular- but while I think the parties and networking etc increased my popularity, unfortunately it did not fix my brain and they took a big emotional toll. I often got carried away with the planning and then found the event almost unbearable until my favourite time, about 3am when nearly everyone had gone home and I was drunk enough to relax with those who were left.

Anyway, My fiancee didn't want to propose to me because he thought the wedding would be too much stress for me but i said it would be OK.
He proposed a year after the birth of our first child. Since the engagement (no engagement party, it was just too scary) we have had another baby. We want to get married and we want to do a naming ceremony for the little ones. I think its important to mark important events with my family and friends (I do, somewhere in me, know I have friends).

A combination of two pregnancies, busy work schedules mean I have only really seen a few of my friends since we got engaged. I would love a wedding with those lovely people as bridal party but also with the interesting and fun people I have known in my life as guests - but I have no idea whether they want to be friends with me or not.
My paranoia has gone into overdrive this maternity leave and I have found myself inordinately hurt by some people's absences (which I took to be contempt of me or disinterest in my child) and Facebook etc shows me events I too havent been invited to.

I can't ask people in real life because I am too embarrassed so I wondered if I could ask Mumsnet?
SO I'd like to invite some people to my wedding who didn't invite me to theirs. I understand why I wasn't invited was because we haven't seen each other for ages and weddings have limited numbers, but I remember them fondly. Will they look down on me for this? Id also like to invite people I haven't seen for years - but is that going to make me look desperate for friends?
If I invite the list I would like to invite, it makes a difference to the budget and the venue type dramatically. So before I commit to a venue, because I dont know if people like me enough to come to my wedding, is there some way I can find out?
Can I send letters saying "hello, we are getting married and I think you are amazing and would love you to be there. Its on [date]. However I know we haven't caught up in years and I understand if you may have other priorities - please let me know?"

My worry is that, as people dont know I have this paranoia condition, people will roll their eyes at the letter, feel awkward, say "of course we will come" and then just not turn up or cancel last minute because they don't really give a sh*t, which will ruin my day and make the whole thing so tragic and awful - I imagine 100 wine glasses in some forlorn pyramid and only three embarrassed guests in the corner of a huge hall or something.

What should I do? I do not want a small wedding with only our 10 best friends and my enormous family. I want one that reflects the journey on which we've been with all the fantastic people I admired and love.

Please be kind.

Your thoughts are not stupid. I think everyone feels the way you do when organising a wedding and would like to include everyone. Practically, it's often not such an enjoyable party if you have lots of guests that don't know each other and the only thing they have in common is you or your husband.

It might be best if you book a smallish venue so you have a limit on guests and you will then have time on the day to socialise with them all.

You will probably feel happier if you can sit down with your partner or mum or friend and draw up a smaller guest list. It's hard to cross guests off but no one will feel angry or dislike you because of it.

I think if I were you I would keep it small and relaxed. It sounds like you would be setting yourself up for a lot of stress if you go for a big wedding.

You can always have a party at another time.

I really hope you are joking about having 12 bridesmaids
💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼

I think it's pretty normal to temporarily separate off from people if you've had 2 children in a short time. People normally emerge when the child is 1-2 years old and are really keen to get a few old friends back - so in a way if you contacted your old friends now it would be fairly standard!

It's also pretty normal do drift off from people you don't have much in common with - doesn't mean they don't like you, just that they and you have other things going on.

thirdly it's very normal to have a small wedding and no-one would feel sorry for you or think badly of you as long as you were happy.

I think, just invite people who you are either in current contact with and keep it small, then those other more distant ones you can catch up with separately - perhaps one by one or at a birthday do as someone suggested. A wedding is really not worth getting in a stress over - don't know why they are always such a big deal!

I don't think you should do this, you are setting yourself up to fail. This would add so much pressure to you on your day- it's not about them, it's about you and your DP.

It reads to me like you are seeking acceptance from everyone. 12 bridesmaids is a ridiculous number to even consider. Will you be upset if most people said they couldn't make it?

I don't mean to sound harsh op, I have struggled with social anxiety in the past. I think you ought to explore your reasons with a councillor. I don't think this will do your own mental health any good at all.

Re bridesmaids: you have two children. Dress them up as attendants and stuff everyone else. Nobody will feel left out.

The very important central players in your life now can do readings or take charge of your children during your vows or be witnesses. They can wear their own clothes for that.

Hi, I can partially relate to where you are coming from -getting married was really important to me. I have bipolar disorder and struggle really badly with anxiety but I out far too much focus on the wedding day rather than the marriage unfortunately all the hype and stress around getting married took its toll on my and I was admitted to hospital shortly after we got engaged as I got so focused on the wedding it had a negative impact on my mental health. I would really advise you to place less focus on the actual wedding/ party /plans everyone being there to witness your big day and more focus on the actual vows and having a long happy marriage. It doesn't mean you can't have the day of your dreams just remember planning a wedding is very stressful and I don't want you to take it personally if some people decline your invite- some people just have plans and can't attend- remember it's not personal. Luckily I got better after a few months and wAs able to get back to planning our wedding but my husband was very strict on how much time I was allowed to spent planning it. We had an absolutely perfect day with 100 guests during the day and 160 during the evening and I coped with a big wedding well but just remember that this is about your marriage and the future at the end of a day a wedding is just a wedding don't get hung up too much on all the details. I had 5 bridesmaids and believe me that was a big enough number to coordinate you are not letting anyone down by not having every single one of your close friends as a bridesmaid, you can invite others to do readings in church and give them other jobs to make them feel special. Enjoy every day of your engagement as marriage is amazing!!! Being someone who has also had deep issues that my husband has helped me get over even though everyone in the room knew my struggles our speeches were very lighthearted and my illness didn't even raise an eyebrow on the day xxx hope ur day is amazing whatever u do is the right thing

Can't you separate the two events out a bit. Get married and have the kids naming ceremony with just family and close friends, then, a few weeks later possibly, have a massive party to celebrate with all the people you love but don't see very often. (You could even wear your wedding dress again so people can see it!) Venues often hike up prices for a wedding, so a separate party may be cheaper, and there won't be the same pressure on you or the guests.

Good luck whatever you decide.

You sound lovely but incredibly vulnerable. If I were one of your old friends and I got such a letter I would say 'Yes' in an instant - I think your friends will feel lucky to have been given the chance to attend.

Don't say 'if you have other priorities though' - as it undermines you and the wonderful invite you are extending to them.

You need to take the time to separate the paranoia from what you really would like to do. I'm very anxious too, I had 30people to my wedding. We had a meal and drink after, I didn't do a big after party. In some ways I'm sad that I wasn't brave enough to have a bigger party but I accept now that I wouldn't have enjoyed it.

Thank you for being understanding. I think those who said I need to be realistic about my abilities are right. Sillily, i also thought that maybe if people came not because they liked me/us but to network or whatever then maybe the speeches which are always so nice about the bride and groom would be an opportunity for those people to see that i was not awful after all. But that thought is also illogical because noones going to spend wedding guest money to come to the wedding of someone they dont like at all, are they.
I also really like the idea of my fiance sending out the save the dates. He's completely secure in himself and would be fine about doing that and then I wouldnt see the messages that I might take the wrong way.
For those who shared about their own crippling anxiety, thank you and big virtual hugs to you. It is a very brave thing to be anxious and insist on a "normal" life. It comforts me sometimes to remember that it is literally a chemical synapse imbalance and no relfection on real events (but of course that doesnt help decision making). I really want to have a wedding, I love the idea of being brave enough to standbup and publicly thank your partner for their love and pledge it in the future - and to thank your guests for being friends by paying for a day where they can all have fun, but that can at least happen in so many ways. Anyway. Thank you, was expecting far more of a flaming so Mumsnet have been a real support. X

Ps so right about the bridesmaids. Also funnily enough, four of the potentials have already approahed me and said that they suspected this might be quite stressful and they'd love me wherever in the ceremony they were or were not. That just made me want them by my side even more- but they are suggesting that dressshoppig etc might be fun (not for me it isnt) - in fact the one thing I have no doubts about at all is the family leading me down and the man standing at the end of the aisle.

Congrats on your engagement.

You sound great but I think it's a poor idea. Too many pitfalls and too much potential for disappointment. Keep it low-key.

I suffer from occasional anxiety, and have experienced social paranoia to some extent. I understand what you are hoping to achieve, but it is too much. You will be putting yourself under far far too much pressure.

With your old friends, would you want to rekindle a relationship if you had the chance? If yes, I'd probably email a few of them and try to see about having a catch up call without mentioning the wedding first.

If it's just because you have fond memories of them, don't invite them.

I'd probably agree with those people saying that a wedding isn't the time to catch up with old friends. You won't get to say more than a few words to them. Not a reason not to invite them but knowing this, old friends might decline the invite, not because they don't like you, but because they'd like to catch up and chat. Weddings can be expensive for guests; needing to travel, possibly stay overnight, outfit, gift and with only knowing the bride or groom and unlikely to say more than two words to them, it sometimes results in a decline.

You say you like the post party, small natters at 3am. I'd use this as the basis for your wedding and naming ceremonies. Keep it small, with those people you feel most comfortable around. Maybe have a larger party as a celebration of these at another time, or simply resolve to get in touch with some old friends for a chat.

I'd also say that with a small wedding, it's often much more intimate and therefore even more special for the guests attending. I don't think anyone would look down at a small wedding and think the person has no friends, I think it's becoming much more common that venues restrict numbers and that the expense becomes a limiting factor.

Are these tussles of inviting not inviting to do with your illness ? Could you get your fiance to go through a proper list of people you both want not who you think should be there ? Maybe that will take some responsibility from you. Nobody will feel sorry for you if you have an intimate close friends and family wedding and nobody from your past will be offended if they are not invited either. It sounds tough for you but i think your letter is a bit much and save the dates would be better you and he could set up a joint wedding email so folk can reply.

OP, you're turning your wedding into a test of who likes you and who doesn't, and which friendships have survived your absence or not - and, honestly, you're too vulnerable to put yourself through this kind of ordeal. It's not a failure to suit your own needs, rather than putting yourself through something unnecessarily difficult. I would separate out the issues and events. Throw a big name party for your children, get married with two witnesses, and reconnect with your old friends separately, with less pressure.

Poor you! I am planning my wedding now and the guest list has given me sleepless nights and real anguish. We're having a small ish wedding with our very closest friends and family, then a party in a pub a few months after for all our old friends/ ex colleagues etc. Hopefully it will take the pressure off and mean we can actually speak to more people on both nights. No one's said it's odd and lots are saying it's a nice idea. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, you sound so lovely x

OP, would it help to get a wedding planning book (or a pretty notebook which does the same thing but is cheaper!) and on the front page make a note of the important things about your wedding?

• Pledging your love to your DP
• Being with people you know are delighted to share your day
• Live happily ever after

Any plans that go into the notebook that don't meet your key objectives get scrapped. I'm fearful that the wedding planning is going to be hell for you, you aren't going to enjoy your special day and afterwards will be a horrible come-down. I really don't want that to happen for you, you and your DP deserve a special day that you can cherish.

I know someone who recently got married in a register office with their neighbours as witnesses and a meal afterwards. The next day they invited everyone over for a bbq / house warming party. At the party they announced that they had got married. Would you consider something like that? A small wedding with your close friends and family and then a larger surprise party with all your older friends.

My sister and her husband got married with two witnesses and their baby daughter in the garden of a luxury hotel.

I think getting married quietly and then having a big party later is a lovely idea. You might feel less 'on view' if you de-couple the ceremony and the party.

And perhaps, if you can afford it, hire a party planner to do all the work so you can reduce the stress of the occasion

I stupidly hadn't foreseen how much the bride is the centre of attention at a wedding (I know, duh). When you throw a normal party it's different ... at your wedding everyone looks at you and asks you a million personal questions. If you're not a centre of attention kind of person it's pretty unsettling.

We got married in a registry office with two strangers as witnesses, and it was romantic, and lovely, and in no sense a 'failure' to put ourselves through the ordeal of planning a full-scale event neither of us had time for or particularly wanted.

You seem to have an entrenched tendency to try to make yourself face your fears by forcing yourself to throw parties you find exhausting and frightening. It's admirable to make yourself face fears that seriously restrict you or your children's life - I mean, if you were agoraphobic and forced yourself to leave the house or something like that - but a huge number of people who don't suffer at all with social anxiety find throwing big parties stressful and unenjoyable. I think you are making your life more difficult unnecessarily by forcing yourself to be social in ways that don't suit you.

Certainly it would be very unwise to turn your wedding into the same kind of 'facing your fears' test.

Stop imagining the kind of wedding you think you should want, or the kind of wedding you think you would enjoy if you were a completely different, very extrovert and social person. What kind of wedding would the person you are now, with social anxiety and other vulnerabilities, find easiest and most enjoyable? Then go and book that wedding, and revive your friendships and have a naming party separately.

The thought of having a big wedding made me feel very anxious, so I had a small one. You seem to think that if you have a small wedding you will have 'failed'. Is this not, in itself, part of the anxiety.

Putting your condition aside for a moment

Have you always dreamed of a big pull out all the stops wedding or something else.

Think about what you want and what suits your and your man's personalities not what you think anyone else expects of you.

Some of the nicest weddings I've attended were more intimate and relaxed and the absolute worst wedding was a lovely couple whose parents went OTT from horse drawn carriage to harpist, toastmaster it didn't stop the fact that it was all about trying to impress people and no one relaxed .

It's a day that celebrates your Union as a couple have the day you want not the day you think others expect of you and it'll be a lot less stressful.