Who makes the rules? AIBU?

[BondiGirl]

I have rules in my house about amount of screen time, sweets/treats and discipline. DM looks after dc for a short time on certain days in my house, but ignores these rules. This is not to 'spoil' or be nice to dc, it just gives her an easy life. As she wasn't a good mother to me when I was younger it has been difficult for me to entrust dc to her but I have little choice as a single parent (I already pay out a lot for childcare).

I have spoken with her many times about this, but she ignores me and even tries to hide things from me. She encourages behaviour I won't tolerate and I'm left to pick up the pieces when tantrums arise because of inconsistent messages.

I know I will be told I am ungrateful and she doesn't have to give up her time but in my house don't my rules apply? AIBU or is she?

How old are the kids and how long does she have them for?

I would say that yes, she should stick to your rules but is she struggling with them in some way?

Well she is, but given the fact that she wasn't a good Mum, it looks like you can't expect any better.

I had to put up with similar, because of a similar situation.

My children, did eventually accept that I expected better behaviour etc, than my Mum.

She's doing you a favour. I'd put up with it if I were you, or you might find yourself without child care.
You didn't turn out too badly, did you?

One dc, 5. I can understand it might be difficult during a whole day and am more understanding when it's more than a few hours but I'm talking about generally 1.5 hours at most.

Her, I ended up in counselling! I turned out ok as I made a conscious effort to be completely different. I know I shouldn't expect any different but it's her laziness that's always irritated me. And I hold her responsible for something that has had a huge impact on my sibling's life. I feel so guilty for leaving dc with her sometimes.

For 1.5 hours I'm sure she can try to abide by your rules. If it's a whole day then that's much harder. It's a tricky situation as she is providing free child care which some of us (me!) don't have access to. Reading posts like this make me realise there are advantages to paying for all your childcare

If it's only 1.5 hours, does it make that much difference to your child?

How many times per week does she babysit?

You know that she will not do as you ask, don't you? You could be the most reasonable person on reasonable day in reasonable land and she still will do her own sweet thing. You know this. Don't waste your breath and mental energy on an argument you will never win.

So, two options. Suck it up for a "short time on certain days", or find other childcare.

She won't say no to things so in 1.5 hours it can actually do quite a lot of damage. The message is if you make a fuss you get what you want. And it's 3 times a week. When dc does something they shouldn't she blames them rather than taking any responsibility for managing that behaviour.

Thanks for your responses. Just ranting really. I know she won't change. I've come close to calling it all off many times. Maybe one day I will.

Well, it may only help a little bit but, maybe start prepping DC that when grandma's in charge her 'rules' (ahem) apply, but as soon as you appear then yours do? Might take a bit of repetition, but you've then clearly set out where the boundaries are directly with DC and no arguing with 'D'M required.

The 'kicking off' often seems to be because, particularly when someone else is caring for them at home, they genuinely become confused as to what is acceptable when.

I work on the concept that if I'm paying for childcare then they play by my rules. If someone is doing me a favour, then aside from anything dangerous, I don't fuss if the child watches a bit too much tv or eats a bit much chocolate.