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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

is it the new trend for so many young people to say they're gay/bi etc?

112 replies

mrsfuzzy · 05/07/2016 12:30

now, i'm very liberal i don't care if someone is white, black, green, straight, bi, trans [you get the picture], and i think it's great that we are more tolerant as a society [for the best part] toward alternative life styles, but....according to my dd majority of her friends are bi/gay/trans etc, not that's a problem, but i'm curious is this a trend thing in recent times ? a few years ago more people were saying they were depressed, bi polar became the 'fashionable' condition to have, not always diagnosed, which was annoying to me personally as i have the condition and it's no picnic, so why do so many people like to wear 'badges' of what 'defines them ? is it attention seeking or something else ?

OP posts:
Tabsicle · 05/07/2016 14:56

I wish I'd had all those options when I was a teen instead of struggling with trying to understand and feeling insanely icky and weird. Frankly, if it takes 10 confused kids playing around with a bunch of harmless special snowflake words before settling down as straight and cis to make 1 LGBTQA kid safe and comfortable while they figure themself out, then bring it on!

Samcro · 05/07/2016 14:58

What is pan sexual and s
Demi sexual ?

elliejjtiny · 05/07/2016 15:03

I think it's just that everything is more public these days and people make big announcements of things that would have been private/embarrassing before. So teenagers who are at that exploring stage will be telling everyone that they are gay and then a few months later announcing that they are straight again.

Back when I was young it would be written about in a diary or discussed with a best friend who would be sworn to secrecy. I think it's good that people feel comfortable enough to talk about these things openly. I'm a bit Hmm about all the public mind changing sometimes but I'm a bit Hmm about a lot of things teenagers do these days (must be getting old!).

Of course there is always a "thing" that one person does, gets loads of attention and then other people decide they want some of that. When I was at school it was all about "getting engaged" in year 11, then moaning at the pe teacher when they were forced to take off their argos cubic zirconia ring off for pe.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 05/07/2016 15:04

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 05/07/2016 15:05

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Tabsicle · 05/07/2016 15:07

Yeah, I know people who use pansexual rather than bisexual because they say bisexual reinforces the gender binary, and is trans exclusionary.

Samcro · 05/07/2016 15:07

Thanks the demi one makes kind o sense
But the pan one doesnt

LordTrash · 05/07/2016 15:08

Dd1 (12) accused her grandfather of being 'so heteronormative' when he made some (admittedly lame) joke about boyfriends.

It amused me tbh. I'm all for an atmosphere of openness and tolerance around issues of sexuality though.

Tabsicle · 05/07/2016 15:12

Samcro- pansexual is really the same as bisexual, I think, but rejecting the notion that there are just two genders and they are biologically based. It basically says "I don't need to be sure you've got the 'right' set of genitals to find you attractive".

Samcro · 05/07/2016 15:13

So basicly its just people meeting people and being atrated to them.
Yet loads of labels.
I am very old and i just knew straight, gay and bi

mummymalta · 05/07/2016 15:13

Demisexual, Pansexual, Transracial.....Haloomisexual.
Over labelling can trivialise a real struggle.
Loving whats on the inside doesn't require a label for straight people Confused so why do Bi people need to be Demisexual based on that very same notion. Do feelings need a label now?
Monogamousexual?
Tenebris Capillus Sexual (

Where does it end?

Toddlerteaplease · 05/07/2016 15:16

Yes I agree. I met someone who claimed he was agender. But identifies as being gay. Totally couldn't work that one out!

mummymalta · 05/07/2016 15:17

elliejjtiny Me too. Everyone was engaged between y11-13.
There was also this really weird almost synchronized surge of teenage pregnancy. And I'm not being ignorant / facetious. 30 ish girls all gave birth in the same time period after year 11 ended.

Heatherplant · 05/07/2016 15:18

My cousin believed something similar in relation to me. She thought I was giving gay a go because it was trendy, way back in the late 90's. I'm actually bi and thrilled to know I'm still bang on trend. I'd bask in the glory of still being a trend setter compared to her but I'm NC because life is too short to waste on the narrow minded.

mummymalta · 05/07/2016 15:26

Alright everyone: Get your labels right. Which ones confused you the most?

Androgyny/ous – (adj; pronounced “an-jrah-jun-ee”) (1) a gender expression that has elements of both masculinity and femininity; (2) occasionally used in place of “intersex” to describe a person with both female and male anatomy

Androsexual/Androphilic – (adj) attraction to men, males, and/or masculinity

Aromantic – (adj) is a person who experiences little or no romantic attraction to others and/or a lack of interest in forming romantic relationships.

Asexual – (adj) having a lack of (or low level of) sexual attraction to others and/or a lack of interest or desire for sex or sexual partners. Asexuality exists on a spectrum from people who experience no sexual attraction or have any desire for sex to those who experience low levels and only after significant amounts of time, many of these different places on the spectrum have their own identity labels. Another term used within the asexual community is “ace,” meaning someone who is asexual.

Bigender – (adj) a person who fluctuates between traditionally “woman” and “man” gender-based behavior and identities, identifying with both genders (and sometimes a third gender)

Bicurious – (adj) a curiosity about having attraction to people of the same gender/sex (similar to questioning).

Bisexual – (adj) a person emotionally, physically, and/or sexually attracted to male/men and females/women. Other individuals may use this to indicate an attraction to individuals who identify outside of the gender binary as well and may use bisexual as a way to indicate an interest in more than one gender or sex (i.e. men and genderqueer people). This attraction does not have to be equally split or indicate a level of interest that is the same across the genders or sexes an individual may be attracted to.

Butch – (noun & adj) a person who identifies themselves as masculine, whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally. ‘Butch’ is sometimes used as a derogatory term for lesbians, but is also be claimed as an affirmative identity label.

Cisgender – (adj; pronounced “siss-jendur”) a person whose gender identity and biological sex assigned at birth align (e.g., man and male-assigned). A simple way to think about it is if a person is not trans*, they are cisgender.

Cisnormativity – (noun) the assumption, in individuals or in institutions, that everyone is cisgender, and that cisgender identities are superior to trans* identities or people. Leads to invisibility of non-cisgender identities.

Demisexual – (noun) an individual who does not experience sexual attraction unless they have formed a strong emotional connection with another individual. Often within a romantic relationship.

Emotional/Spiritual Attraction – (noun) an affinity for someone that evokes the want to engage in emotional intimate behavior (e.g., sharing, confiding, trusting, interdepending), experienced in varying degrees (from little-to-non, to intense). Often conflated with romantic attraction and sexual attraction.

Feminine Presenting; Masculine Presenting – (adj) a way to describe someone who expresses gender in a more feminine or masculine way, for example in their hair style, demeanor, clothing choice, or style. Not to be confused with Feminine of Center and Masculine of Center, which often includes a focus on identity as well as expression.

Feminine of Center; Masculine of Center – (adj) a word that indicates a range of terms of gender identity and gender presentation for folks who present, understand themselves, relate to others in a more feminine/masculine way. Feminine of center individuals may also identify as femme, submissive, transfeminine, or more; masculine of center individuals may also often identity as butch, stud, aggressive, boi, transmasculine, or more.

Femme – (noun & adj) someone who identifies themselves as feminine, whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally. Often used to refer to a feminine-presenting queer woman .

FtM / F2M; MtF / M2F – (adj) abbreviation for female-to-male transgender or transsexual person; abbreviation for male-to-female transgender or transsexual person.

Gay – (adj) (1) a term used to describe individuals who are primarily emotionally, physically, and/or sexually attracted to members of the same sex and/or gender. More commonly used when referring to males/men-identified ppl who are attracted to males/men-identified ppl, but can be applied to females/women-identified ppl as well. (2) An umbrella term used to refer to the queer community as a whole, or as an individual identity label for anyone who does not identify as heterosexual.

Gender Binary – (noun) the idea that there are only two genders – male/female or man/woman and that a person must be strictly gendered as either/or.

Gender Expression – (noun) the external display of one’s gender, through a combination of dress, demeanor, social behavior, and other factors, generally measured on scales of masculinity and femininity. Also referred to as “gender presentation.”

Gender Fluid – (adj) gender fluid is a gender identity best described as a dynamic mix of boy and girl. A person who is gender fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders, but may feel more man some days, and more woman other days.

Gender Identity – (noun) the internal perception of an one’s gender, and how they label themselves, based on how much they align or don’t align with what they understand their options for gender to be. Common identity labels include man, woman, genderqueer, trans, and more.

Gender Non-Conforming (GNC) – (adj) someone whose gender presentation, whether by nature or by choice, does not align in a predicted fashion with gender-based expectations.

Gender Normative / Gender Straight – (adj) someone whose gender presentation, whether by nature or by choice, aligns with society’s gender-based expectations.

Genderqueer – (adj) a gender identity label often used by people who do not identify with the binary of man/woman; or as an umbrella term for many gender non-conforming or non-binary identities (e.g., agender, bigender, genderfluid). Genderqueer people may think of themselves as one or more of the following, and they may define these terms differently:

may combine aspects man and woman and other identities (bigender, pangender);

not having a gender or identifying with a gender (genderless, agender);
moving between genders (genderfluid);
third gender or other-gendered; includes those who do not place a name to their gender having an overlap of, or blurred lines between, gender identity and sexual and romantic orientation.

Gender Variant– (adj) someone who either by nature or by choice does not conform to gender-based expectations of society (e.g. transgender, transsexual, intersex, gender-queer, cross-dresser, etc.).

Gynesexual/Gynephilic – (adj; pronounced “guy-nuh-seks-shu-uhl”) attracted to woman, females, and/or femininity

Heteronormativity – (noun) the assumption, in individuals or in institutions, that everyone is heterosexual, and that heterosexuality is superior to all other sexualities. Leads to invisibility and stigmatizing of other sexualities. Often included in this concept is a level of gender normativity and gender roles, the assumption that individuals should identify as men and women, and be masculine men and feminine women, and finally that men and women are a complimentary pair.

Heterosexism – (noun) behavior that grants preferential treatment to heterosexual people, reinforces the idea that heterosexuality is somehow better or more “right” than queerness, or makes other sexualities invisible

Heterosexual – (adj) a person primarily emotionally, physically, and/or sexually attracted to members of the opposite sex. Also known as straight.

Homosexual – (adj) a [medical] term used to describe a person primarily emotionally, physically, and/or sexually attracted to members of the same sex/gender. This term is considered stigmatizing due to its history as a category of mental illness, and is discouraged for common use (use gay or lesbian instead).

Lesbian – (noun) a term used to describe women attracted romantically, erotically, and/or emotionally to other women.

LGBTQ / GSM / DSG / + – (noun) initialisms used as shorthand or umbrella terms for all folks who have a non-normative (or queer) gender or sexuality, there are many different initialisms people prefer. LGBTQ is Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender and Queer (sometimes people at a + at the end in an effort to be more inclusive); GSM is Gender and Sexual Minorities; DSG is Diverse Genders and Sexualities. Other popular options include the initialism GLBT and the acronym QUILTBAG (Queer [or Questioning] Undecided Intersex Lesbian Trans* Bisexual Asexual [or Allied] and Gay [or Genderqueer]).

Lipstick Lesbian – (noun) Usually refers to a lesbian with a feminine gender expression. Can be used in a positive or a derogatory way. Is sometimes also used to refer to a lesbian who is assumed to be (or passes for) straight.

Metrosexual – (noun & adj) a man with a strong aesthetic sense who spends more time, energy, or money on his appearance and grooming than is considered gender normative.

Masculine of Center – (adj) a word that indicates a range personal understanding both in terms of gender identity and gender presentation of lesbian/queer women who present, understand themselves, relate to others in a more masculine way. These individuals may also often identity as butch, stud, aggressive, boi, trans-masculine among other identities.

MSM / WSW – (noun) initialisms for “men who have sex with men” and “women who have sex with women,” to distinguish sexual behaviors from sexual identities (e.g., because a man is straight, it doesn’t mean he’s not having sex with men). Often used in the field of HIV/Aids education, prevention, and treatment.

Mx. – (typically pronounced mix) is an title (e.g. Mr., Ms., etc.) that is gender neutral. It is often the option of choice for folks who do not identify within the cisgender binary.

Outing – (verb) involuntary or unwanted disclosure of another person’s sexual orientation, gender identity, or intersex status.

Pansexual – (adj) a person who experiences sexual, romantic, physical, and/or spiritual attraction for members of all gender identities/expressions

Passing – (verb) (1) a term for trans* people being accepted as, or able to “pass for,” a member of their self-identified gender/sex identity (regardless of birth sex). (2) An LGB/queer individual who can is believed to be or perceived as straight.

Polyamory/Polyamorous– (noun/adj) refers to the practice of, desire to, or orientation towards having ethically, honest, consensually non-monogamous relationships (i.e. relationships that may include multiple partners). This may include open relationships, polyfidelity (which involves more than two people being in romantic and/or sexual relationships which is not open to additional partners), amongst many other set ups. Some poly(amorous) people have a “primary” relationship or relationship(s) and then “secondary” relationship(s) which may indicate different allocations of resources, time, or priority.

Questioning (verb, adjective) – an individual who is unsure about or is exploring their own sexual orientation or gender identity.

Romantic Attraction – (noun) an affinity for someone that evokes the want to engage in relational intimate behavior (e.g., flirting, dating, marriage), experienced in varying degrees (from little-to-non, to intense). Often conflated with sexual attraction or emotional/spiritual attraction.

Same Gender Loving / SGL – (adj) a term sometimes used by members of the African-American / Black community to express an alternative sexual orientation without relying on terms and symbols of European descent.

Sexual Attraction – (noun) an affinity for someone that evokes the want to engage in physical intimate behavior (e.g., kissing, touching, intercourse), experienced in varying degrees (from little-to-non, to intense). Often conflated with romantic attraction or emotional/spiritual attraction.

Skoliosexual – (adj) attracted to genderqueer and transsexual people and expressions (people who don’t identify as cisgender)

Stud – (noun) an term most commonly used to indicate a Black/African-American and/or Latina masculine lesbian/queer woman. Also known as ‘butch’ or ‘aggressive’.

Third Gender – (noun) a term for a person who does not identify with either man or woman, but identifies with another gender. This gender category is used by societies that recognise three or more genders, both contemporary and historic, and is also a conceptual term meaning different things to different people who use it, as a way to move beyond the gender binary.

Trans/Transgender – (adj) (1) An umbrella term covering a range of identities that transgress socially defined gender norms. Trans with an is often used to indicate that you are referring to the larger group nature of the term. (2) A person who lives as a member of a gender other than that expected based on sex assigned at birth.

Transman ; Transwoman – (noun) An identity label sometimes adopted by female-to-male transgender people or transsexuals to signify that they are men while still affirming their history as assigned female sex at birth. (sometimes referred to as transguy) (2) Identity label sometimes adopted by male-to-female transsexuals or transgender people to signify that they are women while still affirming their history as assigned male sex at birth.

Transsexual – (noun & adj) a person who identifies psychologically as a gender/sex other than the one to which they were assigned at birth. Transsexuals often wish to transform their bodies hormonally and surgically to match their inner sense of gender/sex.

Transvestite – (noun) a person who dresses as the binary opposite gender expression (“cross-dresses”) for any one of many reasons, including relaxation, fun, and sexual gratification (often called a “cross-dresser,” and should not be confused with transsexual)

Two-Spirit – (noun) is an umbrella term traditionally used by Native American people to recognize individuals who possess qualities or fulfill roles of both genders

Ze / Hir – alternate pronouns that are gender neutral and preferred by some trans* people. Pronounced /zee/ and /here/ they replace “he” and “she” and “his” and “hers” respectively. Alternatively some people who are not comfortable/do not embrace he/she use the plural pronoun “they/their” as a gender neutral singular pronoun.

mummymalta · 05/07/2016 15:27

And Fuck a Duck I can't believe there are that many. (Sorry OP...not trying to hijack thread. Maybe this list will make you feel a little better. Theres a label for bloody everything....lets just live.)

Samcro · 05/07/2016 15:35

Well the cis one for starts, wtf is thatall about

MyCatWasRightAboutYou · 05/07/2016 15:44

If you use any form of language, you're labelling things. (Door, cat, tired for example). That's how language works.
Labels for how you identify can be empowering. Having a word that describes how you feel is very validating because it shows that your feelings are "normal".
People knowing they were transgender or non-binary could maybe have saved so many people's lives.

MyCatWasRightAboutYou · 05/07/2016 15:52

Also, the majority of the time people who do say things like "why do we need so many labels" are speaking from a place of privilege where their sexuality/identity is considered "normal"/default", and have never faced the kind of dysphoria or depression related with having a less common sexuality or identity. (Not levelled at anyone. Just sayin'.)

Cleebope · 05/07/2016 15:53

Hey thanks mummy you have just sorted out my education for love key words lessons for next term! My students' parents are very conservative though so I may have to fend off their complaints. Surely LGBT will do for short? Although my DS 17 tells me it's LGBTQ now.

SpookyRachel · 05/07/2016 16:01

For sure, there's a lot of trendiness about it. But please don't be one of those adults who is sneery or patronising about it - it's really positive that young people should want to be fluid and questioning about their sexuality and we have no idea were this will end up (though I'm anticipating a better place).

When I came out, in my late teens, my mum's friends (and my mum!) queued up to tell me I couldn't really be gay, they could tell I wasn't gay, that it was all some kind of political pose and they weren't impressed by it. 34 years later, I'm still gay and they have finally shut up Grin

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 05/07/2016 16:02

Blimey at that list of labels.

But I agree with others saying it is not recent. In 1929, a researcher called Katharine Davis made a survey of 22000 women, and found that 50% of unmarried women, and 30% of married women, had had what she categorised as emotionally intense, non-sexual relations with other women - which included things like kissing. 26% of unmarried women had had lesbian sex, and 16% of married women had.

So, even in 1929, that's 20% of women surveyed admitting they'd had lesbian sex. It seems hugely high to us now, but it is perfectly possible that 1 in 5 women is gay or bisexual, doesn't it? So I think we just forget that people have always been assuming anything other than heterosexuality is a recent fad. Clearly it isn't.

It really pisses me off when people ask 'how can they know at that age'. They can't 'know' any more than a straight child can 'know' - but I never see people tutting about a 12 year old who assumes she'll grow up and have a boyfriend later.

My parents did the 'oh, it is a phase, it's so trendy' thing, too. Never a good move.

mrsfuzzy · 05/07/2016 16:19

thanks everyone for the insight, i, and plenty of others it seems, have learnt a lot today, some of it over blown admittedly, but interesting all the same, but i shall still respond in the same way when someone says they're such and such, you don't need to explain do what makes you happy.

OP posts:
RepentAtLeisure · 05/07/2016 16:46

When I was at secondary school in the 90s it was common for girls to say they were bi, but it was blatantly to make boys think they were sexually adventurous, just setting out their 'pick me and you get threesomes (maybe...) I'm wild!!' stalls. Looking them up recently none of the 'bi' girls who snogged their mates at the school disco appear to have settled down with women.

If boys are now questioning their sexuality along with everything else that teens question, it feels like a positive step to me. If we reach the stage where any child could grow up to be any sexuality, we could finally stamp out homophobia.

Tabsicle · 05/07/2016 17:10

mummymalta - demisexual is also a valid label for heterosexual people. It doesn't mean you're bisexual - just that you require an emotional connection to be sexually attracted to someone. I have a friend who IDs as demisexual and hetero-romantic , she only fancies men, but only when she knows them.

She says it was really empowering to hear that word - for years she used to feel weird because she never had crushes, never fancied anyone she saw across a room, never felt a strong sense of attraction to anyone - she felt like an alien whenever she heard people say things like "isn't Tom Hiddlestone cute" because she genuinely can't really tell. Being told there was a word for people like her, she wasn't odd, it was ok to mostly (90% of the time) not fancy people or have a sex drive, or not be able to date was a massive deal.

Honestly, speaking as someone who has some labels attached, I love them and found them life saving. A label tells you you're not alone, not a freak, that how you feel is real and valid. I mean, I'd like it if labels like 'bisexual' were as meaningless as 'blonde' or 'knitter' but they aren't and until that day I'll cling to my label. Plus, even if they were, is it that bad to be able to communicate with people? I mean, there's a reason I prefer the label of "gamer" instead of "like a knitter but the things I make are pixelated and fast moving". Words are good. Communication is good. We should have more.