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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is DP? (Wedding related, sorry!)

100 replies

HoneyBadgers · 04/07/2016 20:25

Both DP and I have fairly large families, with quite a lot of young children. Because of this, we decided that other than immediate family, no children were invited to the wedding. So far this has been fine and people have understood, but we've now disagreed on this issue.

I have a friend, who I've known for about five years and we're close. She's expecting a little one about a month before the wedding. She plans to exclusively breast feed, and has said she's happy to take the baby to her room to calm if they get upset during the day. I don't think this is a problem, and think allowing an exclusively breastfeeding newborn is very different to allowing children to the wedding.

DP thinks it means we can't say no if other friends offer to bring their children (all 2+). Mumsnet jury, please tell me who's in the wrong here!

OP posts:

whatamockerywemake · 05/07/2016 01:18

sorry for the rant.

To go back to you, by allowing a friend to break the rules and only that friend, you are possibly publicly declaring who matters to you (you can come with child if finding childcare is hard) against who doesn't (you can't come if you can't find childcare).

Just a thought.

RaspberryOverload · 05/07/2016 06:51

But this isn't to do with finding childcare. It's about a newborn who shouldn't be separated from their mum.

If the bride wants the mum there, baby should be included in that. Newborns have always been the well known exception to the no kids rule.

Primaryteach87 · 05/07/2016 06:57

I didn't bf my first. Still no way I could have left him at 4weeks. They are teeny tiny and basically still a part of you.

Tell him to imagine she is still pregnant, just with baby on the outside

SlipperyLizard · 05/07/2016 07:10

I went to an otherwise child free wedding with 4 week old DD2. Even if she hadn't been BF, there's no way I could have found anyone to look after her and DD1 (2 at the time) all day!

Saying no to young babies is likely to mean your friend simply can't come.

Lindtnotlint · 05/07/2016 07:13

Exactly like a previous poster, we were not able to go to a child free wedding due to having a newborn- bride and groom wouldn't flex. Now they have their own kid and are absolutely mortified about it! Newborns really do have to be an exception.

MaidOfStars · 05/07/2016 07:19

We had a child-free, with the exception of a five month old breast fed baby. Parents left her older sibling with Granny.

I think it's a no-brainer exception.

Eminybob · 05/07/2016 07:23

Good friends of ours got married on DS's due date. DH was supposed to be best man, we had to decline the invitation and DH stepped down as best man as it seemed we were unlikely to be able to make it. It was a child free wedding.

As it happens, DS was 17 days early. The bride and groom reinvited us after he was born and there was never any question about whether DS would come too.
All was well, and everyone at the wedding enjoyed some squishy new born cuddles. We did get one snarky remark from another friend who wasn't allowed to bring her 1 year old.

cathpip · 05/07/2016 07:33

We had a no child wedding and then my niece decided on arriving 6 weeks early, obviously she came as her mum (my sister) was a bridesmaid, she was also ff, not that that should make a difference. None of the other guests batted an eyelid and we had an awful lot that had left small children with babysitters/relatives. My sister just made sure that she removed herself and niece if niece started crying.

Magstermay · 05/07/2016 07:33

Your DH is BU.

Agree with PP, we had a child free wedding but several people were due babies within 6 months of the wedding so I said they could bring them. As it was they all left them anyway, but I'd have been happy for them to come. There is no way you can ask someone to leave a 4 week old baby, BF or not. Anyone with children or otherwise should understand this.

littlejeopardy · 05/07/2016 07:41

We didn't invite children to our wedding, only so we could include more of our adult friends, but one friend brought her 6 months old baby anyway without telling us.

It was fine, the venue produced a highchair and baby was a lovely addition to the day. Now that I have my own baby I wish I had just included my friends baby in the first place.

pearlylum · 05/07/2016 07:42

I didn't leave my kids with anyone until they were two years old, and turned down a few wedding invitations because of this.

2nds · 05/07/2016 07:54

I'm all for kids attending weddings and even babies attending weddings, however this baby is due 1 month before the wedding. Babies rarely come on their due date so baby could be either a bit early or late. They allow pregnant women to go ten days past the due date which means baby might not even be a month old by the time the wedding comes around.

Personally I wouldn't attend a wedding having just had a baby between 2-4 weeks ago. I know some women recover quite quickly but I had a difficult recovery, I bled a lot, I was extremely tired and very emotional.

Your friend might go which is great buy don't be upset if she doesn't.

witsender · 05/07/2016 08:00

Newborns are very different. He is BU

witsender · 05/07/2016 08:01

I don't think anyone would even make the connection at that age, no-one would expect a mother to leave their new born. I didn't leave either of mine for weddings etc until around 2.

2nds · 05/07/2016 08:08

It's shocking that some posters are saying they'd allow the baby to come "Especially if baby is breastfed".
Breast and formula fed babies are equals and should be spoken of as such. I would not attend a wedding and I'd even question my friendship if my formula fed baby wasn't invited but a breast fed baby was. What a ridiculous thing to suggest that BF babies are somehow above FF babies when it comes to these occasions.

PurpleDaisies · 05/07/2016 08:13

I would not attend a wedding and I'd even question my friendship if my formula fed baby wasn't invited but a breast fed baby was. What a ridiculous thing to suggest that BF babies are somehow above FF babies when it comes to these occasions.

I think you're looking to be offended 2nd. Absolutely no one has suggested breast fed babies should be invited but formula fed babies left at home. People have only even mentioned the breastfeeding aspect because that physically can't be done by anyone else.

honkinghaddock · 05/07/2016 08:15

There would be a lot of upset if you allowed a bf baby to come but said a ff baby of the same age couldn't.

Brummiegirl15 · 05/07/2016 08:20

I was invited to a wedding that was no children and my baby was going to be 6 wks old and I had to decline.

I would've liked to have gone as all my old friends were going. But I was told by the bride "sorry it's to do with numbers" - because my 6 week old baby was going to take up space????

It's because she didn't want any children at all,, which as a bride is absolutely her prerogative, but don't be all apologetic to me and blame the venue and numbers!!

So we couldn't go and I admit I was a bit gutted.

I'm getting married this year and gave stipulated no children outside of family children but babes in arms are permitted

moomin11 · 05/07/2016 08:22

We're getting married next year and have opted for the same as you OP but would definitely make an exception for a young baby. I wouldn't have left my DD when she was tiny, and it was nothing to do with how she was fed!!

moomin11 · 05/07/2016 08:29

Out of interest, how do you broach the whole no children thing with guests? Do people actually put it on the invite?? (Next to the wedding gift poem ) Or do people tend to realise based on who's named on the invites?

PurpleDaisies · 05/07/2016 08:38

Judging by the angst on some threads on here you have to be really explicit. A sentence (usually on a general information sheet accompanying the invite) saying "unfortunately due to numbers no children/only the people named on the invitation are invited."

MaidOfStars · 05/07/2016 08:41

'We are sorry but we are unable to accommodate children at the venue' on our info card. No gift requests

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 05/07/2016 08:42

I think mine was about two and a half when I first went to a child free wedding. I was in a right piss about it, but not even I begrudged a newborn being allowed.

I got over my strop v.rapidly btw, once I realised how much easier and fun it was to attend without ds, and now fully support child free weddings!

middlings · 05/07/2016 08:47

YANBU

Also whatamockerywemake that's so mean! DH's DNs were 5 & 7 when we got married and were flower girls. Honestly, we could have done without it but I might just still be smarting a little from the fact that neither of my uncles had me as a flower girl thirty something years ago (yes, yes, I know) and therefore said we had to ask them. We bought what they needed and gave them a present!!

Funnily enough, seven years on, they barely remember it .

moomin11 when we got married, I had a quiet word with those who had children and had been invited. All except one was delighted at the notion of coming without them. If I'd had my way we'd have had no children at all but I knew that wasn't going to fly with DH's family so his nieces and nephews (who all played a part in the ceremony) were there. And DSIL would freely admit that she enjoyed the day less as a result.

tappitytaptap · 05/07/2016 09:12

We turned down a childfree invite when DS would have been 6 or 7 weeks. Turns out I did breastfeed him, but even if I hadn't, I wouldn't have been ready to leave him all day at that age. Maybe for an hour for the ceremony. Feeding shouldn't come into it. Though once DS is 6 months and fully FF (if he takes a bottle - currently refusing one!), I'd be happy to attend a childfree wedding. Those who wouldn't leave kids until they were 2 - always seem to come up on these threads- did you not have jobs to go to?!

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