To give up on making new friends and just resign myself to being lonely

[Unicornsince81]

I'm done now I've really tried.
I'm a sahm, I've tried to make connections with people at baby groups, antenatal, preschool drop off Etc but it doesn't happen.
Its happened a few times where I have met up with someone for a playdate (sorry hate that term too) with my eldest or baby and we've had a nice time they've said we'll have to do this again and then I've never heard from them again. I don't know where I'm going wrong I'm nice (i think?!), I'm not opinionated or overbearing I don't think, I keep conversation light and chatty. It's happened a few times now so its obviously me.
I've asked a couple of long term friends if they could think of where I'm going wrong and they said it wasn't me but it must be.
My youngest has been quite high needs and ill so I've not even been able to get out much recently so feeling even more lonely.
Aibu to give up now I can't keep trying if people obviously just don't like me.

I found this too!! It makes me laugh how people suggest volunteering at a stage in life when you hardly have time to go to the loo on your own!!! This is of course part of the problem, you have no time to yourself. You are not your best when meeting others because you are constantly dealing with your child (and vice versa)!!

When you say you never hear from them again, do you actually contact them or just wait for them to call you? I think sometimes it is good to have another meeting in mind when you meet someone. eg. arrange a meeting at a soft play, park, coffee shop or group the following week, then text to confirm the day before. I don't think people dislike you they are probably just overwhelmed with their babies too.

Where are you? I'll be your friend :)

You sound lovely!

I'll be a Mum friend. I've struggled too so it's just me at home with the baby.

agree with whoever asked if you contacted the mums you had met up with ?

You say second meet ups just never happened but if you are waiting for them to contact you then maybe they are sat at home waiting for you..

it takes courage to ring or ask someone to do something, even just going for a coffee...but someone has to make first move

Yanbu. I've had the same experience! One tip I'd give though is that if certain playgroups are very cliquey/unfriendly and you don't enjoy them then stop going/find something else. I had one I kept persevering with but despite my friendliest and nicest efforts the cliquey mums were just horrible, I felt so much better when I stopped going.

I bought National Trust and swimming membership instead, now I take the children out for picnics and walks and don't worry about trying too hard to make mum friends and the retired volunteers at National Trust always seem to love chatting to my eldest and making a fuss of them

There is a website called Meetups which you can sign up to and find groups in your area. I've signed up but I haven't used it as I'm not particularly interested in the local groups mine has on but this won't be the case for everyone or in every area. There are also MN Meetups and quite a large one of my local FB but they all have babies and toddlers and meet up with them and mine are older so I don't feel like I can join in with that. I feel it was easier to meet new people when you had a reason or excuse for going to certain things.

I have the same problem. I had work friends, but got ill and lost them. Did a college course but no friends came out of that, same with work placement at the time. Was friendless for years. Then joined toddler groups and made friends. At first it was great but after a while it was apparent that some just weren't compatible and problems started, I now don't see most of them. The ones I do its very sporadic so I don't feel I have any of them. I made friends when eldest started school. Some I still have, some have changed. I volunteer but as it's at the school I can't see me becoming friends with the staff where my children are as they see me as a parent not a friend.

I think I get a bit carried away (in my head) that I have all these friends and I end up let down when I realise I care more than they do or we are not as compatible as I thought. I then get hurt and shut down so I struggle a lot. I think of it as 'will we still see each other when our children are not at school together?' If the answer is no, then I tend to re designate them in my mind to friendly acquaintances. I probably have 1 closer friend tbh. The rest seem to be sporadic or more casual friends we will have the occasional night out but that's it. It makes me sad tbh.

I had exactly this experience OP and it does get better once they start school. You get to go to parties and meet other parents. I am very shy, so had to force myself to talk to people. But I soon noticed a "clique" of mums, which I avoided, and other mums outside the "clique". I chatted mostly to the latter and we now have a good banter and meet up in the school holidays with the kids. It is not everything I dreamed of - still don't have a girls group to go to spas/ lunches/ coffee/ drinks with, but it is better than it was.

I suspect there are a lot of women in this position but we just don't admit it. It's also more common as people have moved away from family or their parents are too old to be involved. I remember speaking to the GP due to depression and he gave the impression he had heard the same thing from a lot of other mothers. It's easy to look at others and think they've got everything sorted and they'd never want to be friends with 'me'. And it definitely doesn't help if you feel quite different to the other mums - I was noticeably younger and that has been an issue and still is, there is a snobbery about young mums (although I'm not that young).

I'm a bit past that stage thankfully so I've been able to volunteer which has been great, although I've not made 'friends' I do enjoy being social with them while working. My youngest is about to start school and I'm actually hoping to work full time and ditch the need to ever need to be social with people just because they are parents of similar age children. I actually prefer my child free friends - less judgement and comparison and less child oriented meet ups and conversations.

So no really advice save for knowing you aren't alone, it will get easier and try to be social outside of the mum scene - old friends, evening and weekend activities - meeting people through hobbies is far more likely to lead to friendship than because you had a baby at a similar time.

I tried a few groups before I found people that I gelled with. There's one group that I've never had an invitation from but it's their loss. I eventually found my people.
You can't like everyone, they won't all like you.
Don't give up but don't try so hard either

My kids are older now and I've been volunteering for various things for years. It depends on what it is, obviously, but my experience is that most volunteers are either retired or have young kids. Having pre-schoolers in tow is pretty much par for the course.

Thanks all. It's been helpful reading through this today- I'll have a look at the websites/apps suggested.
For those that asked whether I'd been in touch once people had said we'll do it again- I have been usually yes so when I've suggested another meet up they've said 'yes we'll sort something' and haven't or arranged another date and cancelled, I've then backed off.
A couple of posters have asked whether I might have been trying to hard and I think that might have have been the case sometimes! I have consciously been trying to 'play it cool' with the last couple of play dates and still hasn't brought me much success really does sound like dating!

I mean this nicely but if you haven't had an opinion about anything and have been very bland maybe you should be yourself instead.

It's ok to be opinionated about causes that matter to you, it's ok to be passionate about something, it's ok to be funny and loud apart from on MN. Be yourself and people will like you more then of you sit there being bland and insipid.

I could have written your post 4 years ago. I trawled round endless baby groups, made inane chit chat with other mums, put myself out there because everyone said that's how I'd make friends... But it just didn't happen. Some were in a ready made nct clique that I couldn't break into, some were just too differnt to me, others were not interested, etc. I didn't find anyone to 'click' with somehow, and in the end I started to feel that it was something wrong with me.

Then my daughter started pre school and I spent weeks dithering about whether to invite some people over for a play date (by this s time my confidence at inviting people over was pretty much zero having encountered so much rejection so far). But I did it and two of the mums wanted to hang out with me and dd!!!! I finally had someone else to go for trips to the park with and it felt like I'd finally cracked it.

Then I had ds, and once again I did the whole baby group slog. I've only met one person out of thousands of visits who I am now friends with, and see on a regular basis but it works and our kids play well together.

Dd starting school however, seems to have opened up a massive group of friendships for me. I've met a couple of really lovely mums and dads at the school gate and although I wouldn't class most of them as close friends, there are two who have become lovely friends to me.

I have EXACTLY the same problem as you OP.
Dp puts a lot of pressure of me to have 'mates' but I am in a very similar situation as you and struggle to meet people on the same wave length as me. People just don't seem interested in being my friend and I do try.
Most of the people regularly come into contact with already have strong friendship groups and they all share a lot of history, and don't want or need new friends.
I do better with a few friendships that are close ones rather than a big group of mates that you can just chat to and be on your way.
But that takes time and you have to 'click' just like you would when looking for a partner.
I have been out of the loop for so long now being a SAHM and having the demands or a unwell child and partner that work away makes it very hard to be available to be a friend and join in. So I totally sympathise with you. It does makes you feel crap but you are doing your best given your situation and you have your priorities right.
One day in the not too distant future, the kids will be grown and flown and you will have time to discover yourself and build up a life of your own.

It is really hard, particularly when you have two little people with you to make any sort of conversation beyond the basics (at least I find).
I go to a playgroup where I very superficially know a few people but the only time I've been able to talk anything properly was when a friend from outside the group came along and took responsibility for minding my crawling baby so I could supervise my toddler more carefully and talk to the other toddler mums.

IN BOLD we've had a nice time they've said we'll have to do this again and then I've never heard from them again

flowers for you OP

did you take this to mean that they would contact you? I'd just take it to mean that they were interested and it was up to both of you to arrange another meet up. You never know, they might be as lonely as you. So sorry to hear about your baby being ill, I can imagine how hard it is to make new friends on top of dealing with that.

I'm so glad I started this thread today it's really helped me realise that there are other people out there feeling the same misery loves company
A couple of lovely people asked whereabouts I am- I'm in the midlands but don't want to put anywhere specific in case someone I know sees it and finds out I'm a loner lol :)

I've never made any friends through baby groups/ school mums/ child related channels. As a PP said, try to socialise with people who share common interests through sports/hobbies/ volunteer groups. Amd relax. Friendships require effort and patience to be nurtured. Most friendships start out shallow and grow over a period of time

I'm certain it's not you. Just downloaded Mush - thanks for the link up thread. School brings lots more friendships. Mine are still changing though, it's not like school or uni or even work friends used to be - people I have most in common with now have DC and many have a DP and they are the priorities. I'd echo the be yourself advice and beers definitely help! You could suggest starting a book club? Or a lets get out without the kids night at the pub?

I'm like you OP. I never seem to attract real friends. Just people who use and dump me when I'm no longer of use.

My love life is even worse. I've tried OLD several times and nothing.

I've just accepted that I'll be lonely for the rest of life and its shit but I cant take anymore rejection.

My only friend has a date tomorrow night and as much as I want to be happy for her. It just reminds me of how lonely I am. We planned on Portugal next year, but that wont happen if she gets together with him.

I gave up trying to make friends a few years ago. I realised that I only actually made friends when I wasn't trying to, when I tried it somehow gave off the wrong vibe.

Now I just live my life and wait for friendships to randomly occur. Which they do, from time to time. My life's much better for not stressing about it.

Argh stupid app! Posted on wrong thread

Exactly the same experiences here. I actually hate baby groups with a passion. Can't bare the boring small talk (talking about car seats for half a fucking hour), judgemental bored housewives (what does your husband do?). I gave up and now focus on my child, my house, family and being myself. I have more in common witu my neighbours with teenagers than I did at one baby group I used to force myself to go to. I have noticed regional differences when I moved back here but I just can't be arsed trying any more! I still see real friends as the ones who don't see for months, years and when you do - nothing has changed! I joined a gym and met a lot of people in there I had more stuff in common with too.

People are probably busy with slogging away with their own lives. It's not you.

I moved to a new town and knew nobody when dd was a few weeks old.

I just kept inviting people from baby groups round in small groups which takes the pressure off 1 to 1s. Usually about 3 or 4 and said to them 'x is probably coming too' or 'does your mate y want to come, I don't have their number but they're welcome. I need adult conversation or I shall go nuts!'
I have quite a nice local friendship circle now. I do live in a friendly place though. And yes, mostly we have kids in common but it's a start. Everyone's interested in what everyone else does though. I'm very arty and my good baby friend isn't at all. She's already said she's sending her kids round when they have an art project and will help mine with maths.
Now dd is bigger and I have a job in a friendly place I have friends with similar interests. And having the practice has made it so much easier.
Definitely keep plugging away op. It's hard but I always felt better after I did have some company.