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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship changed with parents after wedding

16 replies

MrsLoisLane · 03/07/2016 17:39

Hello everyone. Aibu ?
I was always fairly close with parents but as I've gotten older it's in an almost stifling way. They want to know everything and I was always to default to them no matter how small an issue was. I got married eighteen months ago and during planning the wedding they were awful. My dad told me to keep my mouth shut as they were signing the cheques. My mum was controlling as usual. If she didn't like an idea she would start telling me that looks fucking disgusting etc. They carried on woeful about the venue until we chose what they wanted. I wanted another venue which in hindsight was too small and I've accepted that. However almost every time I see them they go on about this bastard venue! Why would I fucking care?
We would have paid for the wedding but again my parents carried on about that so I though yeah you pay and my god it will be expensive you pains in the arse ! Now I feel detached and since the wedding I can't be arsed with them. They're manipulative and controlling

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsLoisLane · 03/07/2016 17:40

That felt good to get out in the open!

OP posts:
wobblywonderwoman · 03/07/2016 17:48

My wedding brought the worst out in my parents and we have never got the closeness back.

They didn't pay for anything and kept adding and adding to the list with all their friends. Asking how many were going on dh side then adding more. In the end I said nothing but after the wedding pulled away. Even the wedding speech was about one of their friends birthdays. On honeymoon my mother asked that friends of theirs were suprised their children weren't asked.

It all sounds petty now but the selfishness got to me. I got a shit present from them and it cost thousands to bring these people.

Anyway I have a very cool relationship with them now. Not just because of the wedding but the way they treated me afterwards. They are a disgrace

Nanny0gg · 03/07/2016 17:50

You shouldn't have taken their money, really, should you?

Original poster
MrsLoisLane · 03/07/2016 17:54

Thanks for your response wobbly. I used to be close to them now I can't bear to be near them. We've found out fertility issues are present but I can't tell the because they gossip and overreact.
My mother is odd. When we were younger she used to scream all the time. Once she was so angry so smashed her hand on a glass bottle and fainted. She got us up once at 3am screaming to clean the house. I was about 8 FFs. Everything she was told she turned all about her and I was terrified of a huge bad reaction so became anxious. She's controlling and wants to know the ins and ins. She has no idea I secretly have started to hate her.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsLoisLane · 03/07/2016 17:54

I know nanny and I admit that but what's done is done.

OP posts:
branofthemist · 03/07/2016 17:57

I think you need to take a step back. The whole thing sounds unhealthy.

You could have afforded your wedding but let them pay to teach them a lesson and they are controlling, horrible and manipulative.

I am sure their treatment of you when you were younger am has caused this relationship. But your actions are just as unhealthy as there's and put you in a situation where they got to decide your wedding.

I would start putting some distance between you all.

Original poster
MrsLoisLane · 03/07/2016 17:58

My parents do have money aswell for the record. When I said we'd pay they were ballistic saying they'd worked all their lives to give me a wedding so I felt they has to pay after saying that. No wonder my sister just hangs round them for money but I'm not like that I actually loved them but I've never hot much back

OP posts:
branofthemist · 03/07/2016 17:58

Your actions are as unhealthy as theirs

Original poster
MrsLoisLane · 03/07/2016 18:00

I know bran. I'm a bitch at times and I admit that. I would hate to think is ever treat my kids so shit though

OP posts:
User543212345 · 03/07/2016 18:00

I think it's a bit unfair to criticise the OP for "taking their money" as often controlling parents will use refusal to accept money as another way to have a tant and you back down to stop the aggro, then they use paying for things as a means to control.

My parents behaved so atrociously over our wedding that we cancelled it. We lost a lot of money but it was worth it. It's the only time I'd ever stood up to their controlling ways and it was awful - our wedding (the subsequent smaller one) was spoiled by their reaction and behaviour since. Fortunately mine & DH's relationship is about more than a wedding - it's a marriage.

Well done for recognising how they behave and how you're feeling. Is it worth finding someone to talk this out with as hating her will become toxic for you - you're much better off if you can't find a way to detach.

Original poster
MrsLoisLane · 03/07/2016 18:01

I'm considering private counselling x

OP posts:
branofthemist · 03/07/2016 18:41

I know bran. I'm a bitch at times and I admit that. I would hate to think is ever treat my kids so shit though

You are not a bitch. But it is unhealthy. Which means you need to disengage and deal with your issues.

I am not even blaming you for what you did. I do believe their treatment do you is at the heart of it. However unhealthy behaviour isn't helping you. That's what's important. Making your life what you want. Not acting in a way to get one over on them.

SaucyJack · 03/07/2016 18:46

Remember that you are an adult now, and that they have no power over you and your choices.

You can walk out or put the phone down if and when they go off on one. They won't like it, but the world will not cave in once you start standing up to them.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 03/07/2016 20:03

I forked out shed loads of money for a child's wedding. I had no say whatsoever in any of the arrangements and didn't expect to. I offered an opinion if it was asked for. The guest list was compiled entirely of the bride and groom's choices. I didn't buy a gift because I thought paying for the wedding was enough.

Original poster
MrsLoisLane · 03/07/2016 20:09

Thanks foxy. I understand them wanting a say but it was ridiculous. You sound like a nice mum x

OP posts:
Scrubbydubby · 03/07/2016 21:19

OP I do agree that counselling is probably the best way for you to address the issues with your parents and enable you to move on in a healthier way.

Crikey foxy, no say in anything at all? Although I do think the guest list is really only up to the bride and groom unless perhaps there are any family members people desperately want/don't want to attend.

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