To think 'I'm sorry [for your loss]' is not that fucking hard to say!

[KimberlySnark]

Was in hospital last night for the 67747854 millionth time, due to complicated pregnancy and previous full term stillbirth last year.

I see a different midwife every visit, which is absolutely fine. I don't at all mind explaning what happened to the DC we lost, from scratch every time. What I do mind is the blank stare this is normally met with, before they start monitoring me or dash off somewhere.

I mean FFS I know they see their fair share of trauma, but is it that fucking hard to acknowledge the fairly hideous circumstances I'm in? To just say 'I'm sorry to hear that' or something?

If someone even says to me, in passing, my dog/granny/parent died last year, I'd always be human enough to acknowledge that.

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself & it will help other women who come after you. They need telling.

I
Am so sorry for your loss. I lost out second son at pretty much term several years ago. With my next DS I saw the same mid wife for ever mw appointment and at the hospital saw only 'my' consultant. Saved me having to explain over and over. The one time they tried to make me see the junior doctor I refused and referred them to my notes. I think I must have been really lucky!

YANBU, you are only asking for the proper consideration for someone who has been in your situation. It worries me to hear this because my DD experienced this recently and if she chooses to try again, I do hope she gets treated with the utmost respect. It has been hard enough getting thus far but the thought she will have to keep reliving it is scary.

Oh yeolde so sorry - I think about my mum when I hear that and what she went through with my loss. Fingers crossed your DD that she'll have a better experience

Sorry too siilk - I'm the same in that my routine appointments are with consistent people who know my story (which I'm so thankful for). Sadly I have to spend a fair amount of time being monitored in triage outside of normal hours, which is where the shit experiences happen. I wonder if there are a lot of bank staff during those hours, not that it makes a difference to how they should react really

So sorry 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss and sadly I totally understand what you mean. I had a full term + 14 days stillbirth 6 years ago. The way people handle it who I've had to tell really distresses me and I'm am sure has contributed to my mental illness. I try and tell myself that if you haven't experienced stillbirth you can't comprehend it. It's just far too horrific. Take care of yourself.

Kimberley I'm so sorry for your loss. I also suffered a full term stillbirth and only one person I dealt with in any of my subsequent pregnancies (all mcs) and extensive fertility treatment ever said they were sorry to hear what happened. It makes me feel sub-human somehow.

I've volunteered to go talk to midwives about stillbirth with SANDS, and I'm really hoping that something gets through to them.

I wish you the best of luck with this pregnancy.

I am so sorry - I am sorry for all of your losses - and I am baffled as to why the staff are so callous

I wish you the best with your pregnancy and hope you get lovely staff moving forward

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I too had a full term stillbirth and the sands sticker on my notes for my next pregnancy and yet some medical people still ignored it and didn't bother reading the actual notes. The sonogrpaher at my 12 week scan said "I see you have a young baby already (the date of his birth was 6 months previously). The worse was the dr receptionist who, when I turned up for my my 6 week check post birth, kept referring to it as "mum and baby check". I kept correcting her and then lost it and asked her if she could see a baby with me.
I honestly don't think they mean to be callous but as you say is it that hard to have a quick glance at the notes and acknowledge our losses ?

Most of my care with my second pregnancy was amazing though as I was mostly seen by a consultant and small midwife team who all knew me and my circumstance well and were so very kind.

beanie, bip peacock thank you for sharing, it really helps to feel I'm not so alone - though I'm sorry you've been here as well. Sub human is exactly how it makes me feel

I'm shocked that HCP would get it so wrong. As you say, a brief, calm acknowledgement of your pain would go a long way

to all of you who suffered a loss.

Yanbu. To the end of time and back yanbu.

It matters that others acknowledge your pain and your loss. That they say something. It's not hard for them to do and it makes a huge difference.

I haven't experienced the loss you have but I have had miscarriages. No one said sorry not even family members. It was like nothing had happened and it was never mentioned again. I have asked one person why they didn't once pick up the phone to see if I was ok and they said they didn't know what to say.

I am truly sorry for your loss Kimberley Really and truly sorry.

April I'm so sorry for your loss. I've experienced that lack of compassion and care in hospitals too. I really hope it doesn't make it even more painful. People do care. We care.

I am so sorry for your loss

The powerless ness you can feel in a hospital setting is extraordinary - I worked in hospitals for years and yet when it came to having my baby, I felt so unable to assert myself.

What do you think she's say if you commented on this?

If you felt able, I think it would be so powerful:

Something along these lines "You know, ever time I tell someone that my baby died (or whatever words you can cope with), it hurts me me they don't acknowledge the seriousness of what I've said"

And then wait

Next time, could you say "what would really help me right now is for you to say that you're sorry for our loss" ie spell out exactly what you want from them and see if this encourages them to step up to the plate?

It make me really sad that a woman should have to remind one of my fellow midwives to be compassionate . It's not easy sometimes to find the right words when somebody has lost a child but if a midwife can't do it then what hope is there for anybody else. It's part of the job and caring for women and their families is surely what they signed up to do?

Perhaps a letter to the local lead midwife might be a good idea. Not a 'complaint' as such but perhaps suggesting that her staff need retraining/reminding

I'm sorry for everyone who has had a loss.

I was bollocked for crying as my baby hadn't moved for hours. She was dismissive and figured I was overreacting. My baby nearly died and she chucked out the relevant trace..

I've had a couple of miscarriages and no one has ever said they were sorry.

One very young midwife said she was worried about me and insisted in tests, etc. Everyone else. Crap.

I'm sorry for your loss

Unfortunately that was my experience too with the increased monitoring, appts etc for my two subsequent pregnancies after my daughter was stillborn at term. So much so that I made an official complaint after one daycare appt and had the head of dept shitting herself in case I went postal on the phone to her.
Arm yourself with big stickers on your notes and add something yourself along the lines of 'I would appreciate it if my baby (name) and my loss could be acknowledged with sympathy.' Bit PA but it should shock professionals into thinking 'fuck what was said to her?!' and being a bit human.