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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have told my mum she's horrible and judgemental?

25 replies

PinkyofPie · 03/07/2016 14:18

I've just about had it with my DM. I've posted about my frustration with her before and how difficult she can be.

Her husband of 23 years has a 25 year old DD. He's never met her, knew she was born (as the result of a fling) and chose not to be a part of her life. He was with my mum at this point, I'd have been about 5 and knew nothing about it until I found a Father's Day card and letter when I was 18 (his DD sent them but he never responded).

When I found the card, over 12 years ago, I confronted my mum. She said that they never believed she was SD's DD, which the mum (we'll call her Carol) later proved. When my stepbrother visited his maternal grandparents, Carol would take her DD do she could get to know her half-brother (my step brother and her now have a close relationship). I think this is fine and actually very sad, but it rubbed DM and SD up the wrong way at the time.

To be clear he paid full maintenance until she was 18.

I asked my mum at the time how she could be with someone who ran out on his DD and her defence was "Carol should never have had that child, what kind of person keeps a baby from a fling"

So yesterday I was FaceTiming DM (she lives abroad) and she was having a moan about SD. She said "he's in touch with his DD again". I said "again? I didn't think he'd ever spoken to her ever" and DM told me about 6 years ago he got in touch but it fizzled out. She said, in a very sneery voice "he got in touch as she'd had her second child, at the age of 19, with a different father than the first child". I asked what was wrong with that, and she replied "well who does that before they're even 20, she's turning out just like her mother" hmm]

To which I had a big rant about how DM is so snobby and horrid and judgemental and maybe of her wonderful husband had stuck around, and she'd had a father figure in her life, she wouldn't be a teen mum of 2. DM said I have to understand she's from a different generation to me - to which I pointed out that yes, in her generation having a child before you were 20 was perfectly normal.

I asked her why she was annoyed he's in touch with his DD and she said it's because he ends phone calls with "bye sweetheart, love you". She said she asked him what he was saying that for. I told her it's nothing to do with her. Apparently though when the DD was tiny she got harassed by Carol and her mum (what that has to do with anything now I'll never know). I said that if my DD had a baby by a halfwit who didn't wanna know if have something to say about it too.

So, the conversation ended on a bad note, but AIBU in thinking what I said was justified? Mum swears blind she didn't interfere when the DD was born, but TBH I know her and I don't believe her. She sticks her beak in when it's not wanted. She once had a lodger for a month who had a 3yo DD. The lodger owed her a bit of money when she left (about £50) so mum emailed her about it and included about 3 paragraphs about what a terrible mother she is because she'd shout at her DD now and again. Which is hypocritical seeing as I grew up in the Household of Screaming Slanging Matches.

I just can't believe someone could be so cruel and think that they have a right to say that other people should have had an abortion!

OP posts:

RochelleGoyle · 03/07/2016 14:22

YANBU!

MollyTwo · 03/07/2016 14:27

Yanbu, your mum has issues. I wouldn't engage in these conversations with her. Seems like she is that type and you will only frustrate yourself trying to talk to her .

Birdsgottafly · 03/07/2016 14:33

""maybe of her wonderful husband had stuck around, and she'd had a father figure in her life, she wouldn't be a teen mum of 2. ""

That's extremely judgemental. It says that it's wrong to be a teen Mum of 2 (which would have been my ideal, but I miscarried and was infertile until my late 20's).

It also criticises her Mum, as though she's been inadequate and your useless SD, would have made all the difference.

Your DM and your SD are a disgrace.

Original poster

PinkyofPie · 03/07/2016 14:36

Birds I have nothing against teen mums and I don't believe there's anything remotely wrong with the DDs situation. I was trying to make the point to my mum that SD hadn't bothered at all with her therefore mum has zero right to an opinion about how the DD turned out.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2016 14:45

I have to agree with Birds

You're both judging her for being a teen mum of 2.

Your response indicates that she's somehow 'gone wrong' and that it might have 'gone right', had her own dad stuck around.

Pinkheart5915 · 03/07/2016 14:46

You Mum clearly has issues with her husband having a child with somebody else, maybe in some small way that may even of played a part in your step dad having no contact.

Neither your Mum or anyone else has no right to judge how the DD turned out, people are ready to have children at different ages and while having different dads isn't ideal as long as the children are loved it doesn't matter.

It sounds like you are better off not trying to talk to your Mum about this subject as you will just be hitting your head against a brick wall.

Sparklesilverglitter · 03/07/2016 14:50

You sound like you are judging too tbh, like the DD has gone "wrong" and might have gone "right" if SD had been there

Your Mum has issues just avoid the subject

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 03/07/2016 14:54

Did your Dad have an affair with 'Carol' when he was with your Mum, or a fling with her before he was seeing your Mum?

Original poster

PinkyofPie · 03/07/2016 14:54

Like I said, I don't believe the "maybe if he'd stuck around" line, it was entirely to make a point to my mum about his absence. Hence me asking her what was wrong with being a teen mum of 2.

I certainly don't think she'd have been "raised the right way" if he'd been involved. On the contrary, I had the misfortune of living with him from age 5, and I hated him. He was nasty and uncaring and selfish. shes better off without him.

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkyofPie · 03/07/2016 14:55

Extra i asked my mum (SD is a serial adulterer) and she said it was "before her" but I'm about 90% sure that's not true as she was going with him since I was 3 or 4, he moved in when I was 5.

OP posts:

JudyCoolibar · 03/07/2016 15:02

I think the main issue with your mum is that she judges Carol for having a baby but doesn't apparently judge her husband for fathering that baby. If she sneers at Carol for that again, I would suggest you ask her whether she also sneers at SD who is certainly equally responsible. And at least Carol stuck around for her child, which is more than SD did.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 03/07/2016 15:03

Pinky I knew what you meant. People on here have got the wrong end of the stick, as usual.

YANBU.

Dutchcourage · 03/07/2016 15:06

I had my first dd1 at just 16. My father was absolute shite (infact both parents where shite) and I'm sure if he was a better support system, father figure I wouldn't have been pregnant at 15. Teenage pregnancies are when some thing has defanatly gone wrong!

op your mum sounds jealous. I'd swerve the subject of it came up again

LauderSyme · 03/07/2016 15:09

YANBU. Your mum is being a cunt about this. I do not use that word lightly.
My natural father never wanted to know me. I have posted about this here and got a lot of support which was really helpful as he hurt me immensely.
He always had his wife's unerring support, in fact encouragement to ignore his parental responsibilities and place the blame for that on me.

She quite possibly shares some of your mum's mindset and is definitely judgmental.
I think she - and probably your mum - are acting out of fear, jealousy and insecurity. But is behaviour is morally indefensible and you are entitled to tell your mum how you feel about it.

LauderSyme · 03/07/2016 15:13

oops, this behaviour

Original poster

PinkyofPie · 03/07/2016 15:34

I think the main issue with your mum is that she judges Carol for having a baby but doesn't apparently judge her husband for fathering that baby. If she sneers at Carol for that aga

I think you've hit the nail on the head! The older I get the more I realise how much my mum is a misogynist. I am fiercely feminist and I wonder if this is the result of being brought up in a house where women were second rate - the "boys" (SD, DB and DStepB) were fed before me and mum were . I was also told frequently I couldn't do things my brothers could do because "they're boys and you're a girl". Anyway, I digress, I think my lack of any sort of common ground with my mum infuriates me and situations like this make it worse and I have a bit of a big gob so can't keep my opinions to myself

OP posts:

cannotlogin · 03/07/2016 15:36

It is an appalling attitude on your mum's part and this is the reason it has become perfectly normal for fathers to walk away from their children - they are supported by women to do so. It is also the reason single mums are so vilified by society generally - because other women go to great lengths to show what awful people they are and show how they are different and therefore 'better'.

We need to stop accepting this by challenging, challenging, challenging.

ppeatfruit · 03/07/2016 15:38

This is a generation thing I think. Very similar to what happened in my family. My father was never faithful to my mum. We had 2 half sisters and a half brother. We never saw them and didn't know they existed until we were 18ish . DM just ignored them. It's a shame.

So I make sure that I am properly in contact with ds's 2 dds he had them with women one of whom he didn't have a proper relationship with,. that he supports It's never the childs' fault fgs.

SeaEagleFeather · 03/07/2016 16:17

YOu are entirely reasonable to be so upset with her. Keep on being gobby, as you put it.

ppeatfruit · 03/07/2016 17:26

No YANBU

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 03/07/2016 17:52

it has become perfectly normal for fathers to walk away from their children - they are supported by women to do so. It is also the reason single mums are so vilified by society generally - because other women go to great lengths to show what awful people they are and show how they are different and therefore 'better'.

We need to stop accepting this by challenging, challenging, challenging.

Absolutely.

Original poster

PinkyofPie · 03/07/2016 20:15

Well said cannot

OP posts:

chinam · 03/07/2016 20:37

Cannot, posts like yours make me wish MN had a like button. Why some women go out of their way to be so nasty to other women never ceases to amaze me. Op, YANBU.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 03/07/2016 21:57

Yup yup

"We need to stop accepting this by challenging, challenging, challenging."

And you're doing that OP, so that's a good thing - although for your peace of mind I wouldn't get embroiled into that kind of argument again as your mother won't change her ideas now sadly.

Sighing · 03/07/2016 22:16

Well done OP. My mum has this nasty judgemental tendency (it's amazing how her situation as a teenage mum was different to any teenage mum she happens to be gossiping about). It's exhausting picking up all the bits as she is so diverse in her judging of fellow humans, but I see it as working on her social skills (which she moans are poor).
You could also choose to disengage and reduce/ minimise your contact too. But yanbu.

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