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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To distance myself from this friend?

14 replies

anna231 · 02/07/2016 23:30

I have a friend that I know through work, although that friendship extends to outside work as well. Over time we've built up what I thought was a good friendship but I've recently found out that the manager of the department where I work uses her as a spy, to find out what is going on in the department where I work and also in other departments around the building (my friend has the reputation of being a fun & sociable who everyone loves) Earlier this week my manager let slip something that I had discussed with my "friend" and which was private. The manager herself admitted another of my friends, who she has been mentoring, that she uses this person to find out things that she'd like to know.

I don't want to be this person's friend anymore. Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2016 23:32

God that is sneaky, friendships are about trust, she has broken your trust, and will probably continue to do so, so no, keep her at arms length.

Blink1982 · 03/07/2016 00:30

Could she mean that your friend is a gossip so not really a spy but easy to obtain info from?

ThatsMyStapler · 03/07/2016 00:39

I'd start planting things personally... Sneaky stuff like did you know x is doing random stuff (I don't have the imagination to think of anything good at the moment =

RebelRogue · 03/07/2016 00:42

Depends if she's doing it on purpose and she's aware of it or just being used because she's easy to get information from

JoJoSM2 · 03/07/2016 00:52

I don't think there is any spying going on. Your friend is a sociable person and goes round blabbing. She might be pleasant company, but I wouldn't trust her any more and wouldn't share anything that isn't meant to be passed on. Also, I'd confront her about the info that got passed on to the manager - perhaps your friend didn't even realise it was a secret.

2nds · 03/07/2016 00:56

Thatsmystapler that's extremely poor advice.
OP just stop telling this person things, only talk to the person if you are required to and keep the chat about work and to a minimum, but definitely don't make shit up.

Clearoutre · 03/07/2016 08:42

Whether she's a blabber, spy or being used you'll have to vet what you tell her now that you know it will be passed on. If you enjoy her company there's no reason to stop socialising though. At least you know and I bet you're not the only one.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 03/07/2016 08:49

It might be that your friend is a bit of a blabbermouth who's been used by your manager, rather than deliberately spying on people with the intent of telling this manager everything.

Having said that, I'd definitely be watching what I said around her from now on, and not be telling her anything I wouldn't want repeated to others.

99GBPChargeToUseMyPostsJournos · 03/07/2016 09:01

Have you spoken to her about it? I'd be asking what she had been feeling the manager and making it clear that I was very unimpressed.

I wouldn't be making up stuff though. Op would be implicated if anything was to blow up as a result of something made up.

RaeSkywalker · 03/07/2016 09:04

I have a friend like this. I've stopped telling her anything that I'm not happy to be public knowledge.

I agree, she's probably not so much a spy as social/ gossipy.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 03/07/2016 09:21

Continue to be friendly if otherwise you get on - BUT don't confide in her about anything you don't want to be repeated. It's sneaky of the manager but I've heard of this before. It usually happens IME when there's a problem with communication. Without giving too much away, maybe just warn your colleagues about being discreet in general.

fattyfattytoadgirl · 03/07/2016 09:26

Awkward!

I'd keep her at arm's length and heavily edit anything you tell her from now on. In fact. Never a good idea to trust anyone at work too much, sadly.

I agree with the others that it's very likely her chatty personality that is being used by the manager. Management sounds lacking a bit, to be honest. This woman may be an embellisher of tales, so he's hardly getting accurate info, is he?

If you want something to tell her, just tell her how hard you are working and courses you are thinking of doing to help with your work. If she has the manager's ear, why not big yourself up to him?

flumpybear · 03/07/2016 09:34

What a cow!! Personally I'd pull her up on it,ask her why she's blabbing personal information to management about uou and u know it's her as she's the only one who knows then the manager dropped her in it by telling people she's used as a spy ... That'll set the cat amongst the pigeons!

ThatsMyStapler · 03/07/2016 17:37

2nds, it's not advice, it's what I would do

I hate 2 faced and sneaky people, and they deserve to be mislead

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