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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want a bit of sympathy

25 replies

dreamingofkrispykreme · 02/07/2016 17:55

name changed as this post maybe very identifying.

I was in a car crash several weeks ago, I now have a suspected frozen shoulder, whiplash, and have suffered a headache since the day
after the crash. I am at university, and this may affect me graduating. I have had 3 weeks off university, I am still in pretty much constant pain, I have been unable to go to a friends wedding (I could have gone I guess, but with the headache dc and pain, I doubt I would have enjoyed it really). My partner was away the week of the crash, on returning he has given me no sympathy. He has given me a massage, (which was agony, and I told him to stop) but expected sex after. He has been angry that I don't want to hug him (it results in pain). Today I was having a rubbish day, missing the wedding, exhausted with constant pain, I cried (3rd time since crash) and he walked out. Although him walking out was not before lecturing me about how I should be at the gym lifting weights as this is what he did when he had a bad back.

OP posts:

Imknackeredzzz · 02/07/2016 17:57

My god he sounds lovely

concertplayer · 02/07/2016 18:02

Poor you If the accident was not your fault are you claiming damages?

fattyfattytoadgirl · 02/07/2016 18:07

Sorry to hear you're going through such a rotten time.

I've always found men extraordinarily unsympathetic when it comes to stuff like this. I've heard of women married to doctors and psychiatrists (you, know caring professions) who are very cold when they are ill or need help. I don't know why that should be. I've been surprised by this in my personal life.

I don't have any answers for you, I'm afraid.

Would be interested to hear how he behaves/what he expects when HE'S not well.

Get well soon and have some virtual flowers

Chocolateteabag · 02/07/2016 18:09

Well he sounds a proper keeper OP
YANBU

Can you afford to see a physio privately? Round here it's £30 for a 30 min session. Even if you can just go once to have an assessment? Sounds like you need some specific exercises or manipulation (or both) to sort out the damage.

And your "D"P is a dick in suggesting the gym - especially weights - how do you know what exercises to do/avoid if you aren't fully diagnosed.

from me and LTB

AlwaysDancing1234 · 02/07/2016 18:12

What a bastard. No excuses.
Hope you are ok OP, anyone else family/friends able to support you

Original poster

dreamingofkrispykreme · 02/07/2016 18:12

I am claiming for damages as I stopped at a junction and the van who was tailgating me, was not paying attention, did not see I had stopped. When he did see I had stopped, he missed the brake and hit me. Just wanted a bit of sympathy from my partner today, pretty much constant pain for 3 weeks is very depressing, and I may graduate a year later than planned.

OP posts:

EnidButton · 02/07/2016 18:14

It's not because he's a man. It's because he's an selfish dickhead.

Lifting weights my arse! Unless he's usually spectacularly wonderful in every possible way then I'd really be reconsidering the whole relationship if I were you. Life will throw up all kinds of hardships and difficulties and when it does you need to know that your partner will be there like you would be there for them. I wouldn't feel secure that that would be the case with him.

EnidButton · 02/07/2016 18:15

And lots of and from me too.

EnidButton · 02/07/2016 18:17

Do you have someone else around that can give you some love and sympathy? Family member or close friend?

Yanbu expecting it from your partner btw.

Nanny0gg · 02/07/2016 18:23

He has given me a massage, (which was agony, and I told him to stop) but expected sex after. He has been angry that I don't want to hug him (it results in pain). Today I was having a rubbish day, missing the wedding, exhausted with constant pain, I cried (3rd time since crash) and he walked out. Although him walking out was not before lecturing me about how I should be at the gym lifting weights as this is what he did when he had a bad back.

He's a pig. He has no redeeming qualities. Get rid.

Original poster

dreamingofkrispykreme · 02/07/2016 18:30

Thank you all so much for your responses, he has always been unsympathetic, but normally sickness/illness passes quicker than this, so it is not as noticeable I guess. Enid yes I am considering things because as you say things will happen in life and if he is this unsupportive now what if the crash were worse, (which he keeps mentioning, as if this should reduce the current pain I am in).
fattyfatty he actually never gets ill, I have been with him for 6 years and he has been ill around 4/5 times. Whereas I am also ill (had cancer just before meeting him, so my immune system was completely gone, so seem to get everything).
chocolate I can't afford physio unfortunately, I have already spent around 1/4 if not more of my monthly wages on phone calls/transport to appointments because of this crash. My monthly wages only just cover my outgoings so this will already leave me in financial difficulty if insurance is not paid quickly.
Always I do not live by family, and my friends are all at uni too, I am a nursing student about to graduate, but the course is very busy at this time of year unlike most uni courses!
Sorry did not realise how much info I left out, and if anyone does recognise me, just give me a kripsykreme :)

OP posts:

Petal12 · 02/07/2016 18:57

Request private physio from the at fault insurer asap. Even if the can't formally admit they liability just yet, they should be able to organise it on a without prejudice basis.

Clandestino · 02/07/2016 19:18

from me. and ditch the selfish bastard

BolshierAryaStark · 02/07/2016 19:30

He sounds a real treasure, not one I'd be interested in having around tbh.
I agree about the physio-I had frozen shoulder so can sympathise hugely, had a sports massage every 2 weeks for 3 months & now I see my sports therapist once a month to keep it in check, he genuinely has fixed the problem .

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 02/07/2016 19:36

He sounds a peach as has already been said. You sound like you're having a hell of a time. You absolutely deserve some actual sympathy; not the kind people give as a means to coerce you into having sex with him.

Imaginosity · 02/07/2016 19:37

What he did sounds bad but sometimes people act in awful ways when they're under stress - If he's normally good to you then maybe try to work through this

Me and DH have often been at each other's throats for the last 2 years as DS1 was diagnosed with autism and both of us were under pressure trying to come to terms with it and deal with it day to day. At times it can wear us down and make us both kind of depressed - and then we're not very nice to each other. I know I've been difficult to live with and so has he. I'm hoping we can work through this as it's something we need to come to terms with as neither of us want to split up despite everything.

I imagine life is difficult for you since the crash but must also have become more difficult for your DH too.

T0ddlerSlave · 02/07/2016 21:28

My DH had a car crash a few weeks ago and his physio was arranged for him at no upfront cost, I think because he'd paid extra for legal protection on his car insurance.

T0ddlerSlave · 02/07/2016 21:30

Have you had the independent medical examination yet? I don't think you get one until the other party have confirmed they were at fault. Even with DH's no brainier accident (head on collision) it took over a month for the formal confirmation to come through.

EnidButton · 02/07/2016 22:15

dreaming Oh I hate it when people pull out the "well it could be worse" card. It rarely helps. You're still allowed to be upset, in pain and in need of some help.

EnidButton · 02/07/2016 22:19

🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩🍩 Have a dozen Krispy Kremes and make sure you eat them all yourself.

Nanny0gg · 02/07/2016 23:37

I imagine life is difficult for you since the crash but must also have become more difficult for your DH too.

Are you joking? Did you read how he has treated the OP?

Yep. No sex because your wife has been injured does make your life difficult doesn't it?

Imaginosity · 03/07/2016 04:28

Nanny0gg yes I did read how he treated her - and I said it sounded bad. But I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who has experienced difficulties with my DH as a result of us both being in a very stressful situation - and all I'm saying is things may not be clear cut. So some people might dismiss the OP's DH as an entirely horrible person but I'm just offering the possibility that maybe he's under pressure with everything too. I know I've behaved horribly with my DH and kind of taken out the stress I've been under on him. He's done the same to me. It's not good or acceptable. But sometimes a relationship is worth trying to save.

MrsLouisTomlinson · 03/07/2016 05:36

Ask uni to be referred to occupational health. They should be able to access physio for you.

Original poster

dreamingofkrispykreme · 04/07/2016 13:53

I have seen occupational health, my own doctor, and have an appointment with the physio in 2 weeks time (my insurance have sorted this). Thank you for all your kind replies, I was just very fed up with him at the time of the original post. He does have redeeming qualities, but his lack of sympathy really annoys me. I have managed to have a bit more sleep the past few nights, and although I am still in pain, it is amazing what sleep can do.

I am still very unsure of this whole process though..... 10 years of driving and never been involved in a crash. The other driver accepted responsibility on the day of the incident. My car has now been assessed, written off, and I have received a cheque for the car (lets hope they don't 'just cancel the cheque' ). I am now claiming for personal damages, which seems a very complex process .

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 04/07/2016 14:00

OP, do you have a decent lawyer? This sounds quite a complex claim and if you do have to defer graduation you will suffer considerable financial losses which could be claimed.

Don't use one of the 'no win no fee' lot that advertise everywhere. Ask for personal recommendations or whether your insurance will cover specialist advice.

Keep all receipts,invoices and letters. Consider keeping a log of events, your pain levels and all medical appointments.

Oh, and he's a pig but you know that.

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