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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu comment about weight

24 replies

paris1982 · 02/07/2016 01:06

Hi all - I know I'm being over sensitive but something my sister in law said today has upset me , she'd be mortified if she knew but it's late at night and every time I think about it I can feel myself welling up. I am over weight and haven't lost any baby weight really after having 2 children in fairly quick succession and it gets me down but having a 1 & 2 year old to run around after (I've just changed a bed with one in it coz he's wet thro his nappy-and changed the others poopy bum in his sleep lol) I just haven't had the opportunity to focus on fitness/diet etc (I know-excuses excuses!) So today i paid her a compliment because she looks amazing 7 weeks post birth , she's pretty much back to how she was before she has a cracking figure. So I said 'wow you're looking great looking really trim! And she replied 'urgh I feel like a Pig!' I literally choked because all I could think of is Jesus Christ what do you think I look like then! Like does she look at me and think I look disgusting ?!
I'm being really silly arnt I ! I'm too embarrassed to even tell my husband - and I've been asked when the baby's due a few weeks ago, I feel so depressed about my weight and that just makes me eat chocolate ! Vicious circle isn't it! So am I totally overreacting in my own mind about this then? I'd never say anything to her because she'd be upset she'd hurt my feelings. I can't help but ashamed of my weight - I've been unintentionally fat shamed maybe that's it . Xxx

OP posts:

LAmusic · 02/07/2016 01:09

You're being silly! Everyone seems to disregard complements in some way or an other!

JoJoSM2 · 02/07/2016 01:12

She hasn't said anything about your figure at all... Is it it does sound like your self-confidence needs a boost.

PumpkinPies38 · 02/07/2016 01:13

I don't honk you've been fat shamed after all your SIL was talking about herself and not you. People are a lot more critical of themselves than others and more than often don't see themselves accurately or objectively so even if your SIL is looking great she may be feeling rubbish. I understand what you're saying and how you're feeling and to be honest having two children on quick succession no one would expect you to snap back to a svelte figure and it shouldn't be your number one priority either.

You shouldn't be feeling negative about your body. It's given you two beautiful babies and you've been run ragged. However this comment has clearly touched a nerve and caused you to think about your appearance and weight. That's not a bad thing- if you feel you'd be happier and have better self esteem if you made some changes then use this to spur you on. No one is saying you need to be in skinny jeans in a couple of months time, but making positive changes and starting a healthy diet will help you to have better self esteem.

I have found using the app My Fitness Pal really helpful. I have very low self esteem re my body but have found this helps me not to overeat as I log everything including exercise. Walking for an hour a day and cutting out snacks in the evening can make a huge difference in just a month.

The main thing is if you want to you can do something about this but do not start off by beating yourself up. You've got nothing to feel guilty about you've had two children. Good luck.

Original poster

paris1982 · 02/07/2016 01:13

Yeah you're right
totally overthinking it. X

OP posts:

Original poster

paris1982 · 02/07/2016 01:17

I'm fat shaming myself ! And yes I need to make some changes -lo starts pre school in sept so I'm hoping having just one to deal with I can get back on my fitness DVDs and do some healthy cooking - thanks for the positive comments x

OP posts:

PumpkinPies38 · 02/07/2016 01:20

You'll be fine- work on your self esteem and start tomorrow by drinking more water and snacking less. I have days where I do well and days where I don't but it's all slowly improving.

SylvieB74 · 02/07/2016 01:31

It was just a silly comment, you've took it badly because you are already feeling over weight etc. But honestly if you just start to eat healthily it's just s few hard days and then you're cravings will just go, you'll feel so much better and have loads more energy. It's really easy, just have something like porridge in the morning, whole meal roll with whatever in at lunch whatever you want for dinner and fruit for snacks. You'll feel so much better straight away and I doubt you'll ever want all that rubbish again xx

branofthemist · 02/07/2016 05:48

You hit the nail on the head. You fat shamed yourself.

I used to be 20 stone so I get how you feel.

Now I am a healthy weight. If I put on half a stone I feel crap. Other people may be bigger, but that does effect how I feel about myself. I still don't feel happy with myself when I am bigger. It's not reflection on other people or what I think of them. My feelings are about me.

VioletBam · 02/07/2016 06:17

My niece said "You still look pregnant!" 3 days after I'd had an emergency c section. I never forgot it!

I don't know what the fuck she was thinking of! Having kids REALLY affects our bodies. Accept that and wear it proudly OP.

Your DC are really small still and it will improve.

Charmed18 · 02/07/2016 06:48

I understand exactly how you feel. It's so easy to reach for sugary stuff when you are tired/stressed when being at home with preschoolers. You know that the comment was nothing to do with you but it struck a nerve because you want to do something about your weight.
Sugar is addictive so if you could switch to complex carbs (and less of them) and go cold turkey on the sweet stuff for a bit that will stop you craving it as much. It's really worked for me in last two weeks. I was constantly snacking before as I was getting constant sugar crashes but I'm fine on 3 meals a day at moment (touch wood)! If not, be kind to yourself and remember like you said that you will have one in nursery for a bit soon and that will give you more time for yourself.

Crunchymum · 02/07/2016 06:56

It's so subjective. I recall my stunning, size 8 friend bemoaning the fact she had gained a few pounds when I was a whopping 3st heavier than her. It was no reflection on me?

Your SIL may well look back to her normal self but chances are her body has changed and she probably does feel down about it?

As for the baby weight / vicious circlear of comfort eating / feelings of self loathing - I hear ya. I have an 18mo and weigh what I did on the day after I delivered her!!! I'm the biggest I've ever been and alternate between hating myself and stuffing my face! Have spent a year losing and gaining the same bloody stone but I actually need to lose 3st.

Crunchymum · 02/07/2016 06:57

vicious circle

JeanGenie23 · 02/07/2016 06:58

I think pumkinpies post was excellent, I have nothing really constructive to add, other than I can absolutely guarantee that every female (and male) has had that oh shit how bad do I look moment? I know I am right now so I have decided I need to focus on the positive, I am cutting out bread and puddings, I am going to have my hair done today whilst DH babysits, and I am going to start walking more. It's down to me to make the changes and I will. No one who loves you will think anything negative. Focus on yourself, do something you love to build your confidence, good luck! If you ever need support the weight loss thread on here is fantastic

MrsDoylesTeaParty · 02/07/2016 08:00

Like others have said, people judge themselves far more harshly and are too busy looking at their own 'flaws'. I feel gross now at a size 16/18 (two years post baby and I'm bigger than ever! Everyone only talks about weight gain during pregnancy, not after ) but I don't judge people who are the same size or bigger. I don't think they're disgusting, I don't think anything really! Don't take it personally

Starwarsorbaby · 02/07/2016 08:15

I had 2 babies in 2015, one in January and one in December. I put on about 6 stone When dc2 was 6 weeks old, I joined weight watchers (again) and so far have lost 3 stone since February.

You can do it!

Chocolatefudgecake100 · 02/07/2016 08:23

You are being daft everyones entitled to feel a fat pig post partum there was no malice at all in her comment just focus on eating healthy for now of your bothered x

Hastalapasta · 02/07/2016 08:23

YABU, sorry but it is about your reaction to a comment about your SIL.
I look pregnant and my littlest is 2, abdominals are not friends
please be gentle with yourself, running around after kids is knackering. Fitbit tells me I walk 18K steps on a school day, 6K on a weekend when I do not have to do several trips to the school.
Trying to snack on fruit and veg, eating mainly veg with a generous portion of proteins will help give you lasting energy.
You are probably healthy and a lot fitter than you give yourself credit for.
Kids do not care about a wobbly tum, just how many cuddles they get

vdbfamily · 02/07/2016 08:26

I have discovered this phenomenom in life that when you are close to people, they see your personality and not your size so much. I had a cousin I grew up with who was always very rude about 'fat' people. It made me so uncomfortable as I was always overweight but she would talk to me about it all the time as if she did not see me as fat.
I regularly tell my 13 year old tall slim daughter off for moaning that things make her look fat as I explain that one of the worst things for an overweight woman is to have her slim friends moaning about how overweight they are. I feel your pain!

sepa · 02/07/2016 08:26

I think it's probably the way you look at yourself which I understand. I was massive during pregnancy and was still much bigger than my friend after I had DD (6 weeks after) and she was 36 weeks pregnant.

Can you batch cook and freeze food when OH can watch/play with children at weekend? Or maybe ask your mum/friend to do some if you don't have time?

I think we do judge ourselves too harshly. You have had 2 actual humans in your belly which took 18 months to do. It will take time to go back!

Laiste · 02/07/2016 08:35

I have managed to loose some weight since DD4 (2yrs) and had started to feel good about it. I was slim when i met DH, put on 'happy' weight, lost it, put it on again when preg with DD4, and now i've lost it again. And i'm proud of that.

Recently the subject of weight and health came up while at PILs (not to do with me specifically) and MIL randomly announced to the room ''YOU always just look the same Laiste. Always the same. Just the same. Never see any difference''.

Right. Hmm. Ta. Was that well meant or not?

Filosofikal · 02/07/2016 09:58

No one is saying it's easy but losing weight is a brilliant way to cheer yourself up and feel more in control with life..... With two young kids I imagine it's hard fitting in things to do for yourself. I feel happier when I'm not overweight. Clothes look so much better and I feel more comfortable.

redpriestandmozart · 02/07/2016 10:09

This might not be a popular view but for me, it was a similar situation out of the blue that shamed me and was the moment I took action. Looking back after 7.5 stone loss it was the moment that changed my life. I made changes from that moment, not even the next day. Sometimes it is a reality check that kicks you into action. You want change, you want to be thinner, fitter and healthier, you will find time to blend it into your life. Every time you feel like giving up, eating a cream bun, not going for a run will be the time that you instantly remember this comment, it's burnt into your brain and believe it or not one day when you have lost the weight, and you will, you will look back and be glad this happened. Good luck, you will do this, just one day at a time.

BerriesandLeaves · 02/07/2016 12:13

People judge themselves much more harshly than they do others, so i don't think she was fat shaming you. She probably doesn't judge your weight

MatildaTheCat · 02/07/2016 12:27

She just hit a raw nerve and certainly didn't mean to offend you. It is really hard to lose weight when you are knackered and feel crap but it's interesting that you will think about eating better in September, like its something you cannot do in tandem with everyday life when of course you can. Not saying you should but maybe have a think about it. Talking about fitness DVDs and waiting until September sounds like 'going on a diet' rather than getting healthier for life. Going on diets has a high rate of failure and weight regain whereas a change of lifestyle is just that.

Good luck, hope you feel batter today and do something nice for yourself.

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