To want another baby?

[mostlyrain]

I can't shake this feeling but it categorically isn't a good idea. We have a DS who is 2yo 10mo and a DD 10mo. I've got a kidney condition which is degenerate and this is sped up in pregnancy. I had very medicalised pregnancies, 2 inductions, x4 consultants etc. Everything was fine except I lost kidney function as predicted. I really want another baby but I'm basically bringing forward my need for a transplant. To add to this I got awful PND this time and my relationship has been tested to the max due to my husband going through a life changing trauma. On paper it's such a bad idea but there's one more in my family ideal.....

yabu, sorry. Atleast wait a few years

Time isn't on my side. I can't gamble with my kidney function remaining where it currently is. It could dip in a few years and there wouldn't be a choice.

That sounded really heartless, keep that family ideal in mind but wait until it gets a little better between you and your husband, he starts to recover from the trauma you stated and maybe talk through with a doctor what can be done to make your 3rd pregnancy a little less hard on your body. Try to think about the kids you have when risking your physical health also

I'm sorry but it does sound like a bad idea. Easy for me to say though, two is a good number for me.
What does your dh think?

YANBU at all, I'm in a similar position although my dds are 6 and 15 mths not to mention dd2 is very clingy and demanding on top of my health issues.I know that physically and emotionally it's not a good idea and realistically won't happen but I just can't come to terms with saying no more and if I leave it too long may never be able to have another. Only you know what your body and relationship will stand but I know how you feel so don't think ybu

The desire for another child can't be helped but I think you would be being very unfair to your DC and DH to actually contemplate doing this. I don't know how far you are from needing a transplant but the worst case scenario could be 3 pre-school children, PND and needing dialysis multiple times per week. It's easy for a stranger to say enjoy what you have but I really think you are going to have to try to do that.

Oh op, so hard. That desire to hold a chil in your arms is so strong. But in your circumstances it just sounds so dangerous. Your DH and your existing children need your there,

Very different but, a friend's husband's mother died when he was little. He remembers her but his memories are few. She died because in early pregnancy with his little sister she found out she had cancer. She was given the choice to end the pregnancy and start treatment to save her own life, or to continue knowing she could die. Friend's DH is still angry, all these years later that his dm chose his sister over the rest of them.

In the end his little sister was raised as a cousin by an aunt. It's just so yey sad

I feel similar. I have PND and health isn't great but I want another. I feel sick about the thought of stopping at two even though I probably stop.
I don't know how to make the choice

You owe it to the children you have to stay healthy. Dialysis isn't fun and immunosuppressive drugs when your children are bringing home all the viral lurches from the viral soup that is nursery are also not fun.

If your ideal family is 3 think about adoption or fostering.

Do not put your family at risk for a selfish want not a necessary need.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. It would be different if they had predicted worse kidneys but it hadn't happened the last 2 times. You know it has.

Just don't risk it

Yanbu to want another. Ywbu to actually have one. We all have wants dreams and desires. When we become a parent we put some aside for the sake of our children, even if, as in your case, the desire is for more children.

third child with small age gaps is a huge strain tbh never mind adding in anything else. You need to keep yourself fit and healthy for the children you have

I understand that desire but IMO don't do it. You have two children that need a healthy mum. What if you had a third that had health problems?

You'd be reckless and selfish to have a third.

I think it would be irresponsible to have another child now. Focus on the children who are here already, they won't thank you for making your health worse in the medium/long term. There is no 'need' for a third child, your DH actively doesn't want one and your sons have a sibling close in age each already. Why do you want another baby?

Also, your broodiness might not ever go away, I have friends who have 3/4 children and still feel broody, they accept it as a permanent state of being for them. Clearly you/most of us can't keep having a baby every time broodiness strikes, you need to find a way to make peace with it.

You are in the same place I am mental wise.

Both me and dh desperately want a 3rd. But my health is just not worth it. I suffer back problems that are made worse through each pregnancy. It's been 16 months since I've given birth but I still suffer badly. I also then have days where my strength is just zapped. My health is no where near as bad as yours but if we have had to say no because of that, you need to take another look.

Now we have accepted we can't have any more children, both of us had a grieving period but now we can accept it. We cherish the younger memories with our children now instead of wishing time was going a bit faster so we can get in with number 3.

Ywnbu to want a 3rd child.
Ywbu to have one at the detriment of your health

I don't think it's just on paper that it's a bad idea.
I think you have enough going on without adding a new baby. It would be too much of a gamble IMO. Plus (cliche alert) they don't stay little for long...

I have to say I agree with other posters in that you have to put your other children (and your DH) first with regards to this. Your DC need a healthy mum for as long as possible, far more than they need another sibling. And your poor DH sounds like he has more than enough on his plate too. I really sympathise with the broodiness and I don't want to sound harsh, but in this scenario, I think actually going ahead would be a little selfish and irresponsible. It is really unfair that this is out of your control due to a medical condition, but I think you should concentrate on keeping yourself well so that you can be there for your existing family

Thank you everyone. I think all your honesty is what I needed to hear. It is selfish. I've asked DH to go to GP re a vasectomy. I think we just need the decision made/taken away so I can move on. If I was healthy he would want another one but he's against it at the moment.

It's hard isn't it?

No one likes to be told you can't do something but it's just not advisable with your health like it is.

We have just about accepted it. Keep saying maybe in the future but the reality is, if I was to get better why would I want to go backwards and do it all over again?

Agree with the above sentiments - don't do it. Your existing family need you!

DW had a relative with a nasty medical condition. She wasn't supposed to live past 16 but she defied the odds and lived a normal life until her 30's. Doctors advised her never to have kids as it would knock years off her life but she got married and had a beautiful DD.
All was well, DD was healthy and the mother eventually seemed to get over the terrible toll pregnancy had taken on her body. She knew she'd never make old , old age and wanted her DD to have a sibling , doctors begged and begged her not to have another but she did.

Within a year both she and DD2 were dead

Don't risk it!.

I desperately wanted a third. I have a third. I desperately want a fourth. It hurts my heart not having more. It will go away though. It has to or where does anyone draw the line.