To be annoyed at my mum telling everyone my business?

[inarmsofanangel]

I've just been fast tracked to see a sarcoma specialist for a lump I've had for a long time and am currently anxiously waiting as it's all moving very fast.
I've only told my mum, one of my sisters and one friend so far.
My mum decided to tell all her choir group, her 'bible study' and church group AND some of her family I hardly ever see.
I've not even been diagnosed yet and am finding it a very worrying time as I have 3 children under 7.
I just feel this isn't right. This is my business surely?

Some years ago when I was travelling abroad I got seriously ill with malaria and very nearly lost it and she did exactly the same. These are people I dodn't even know!
She gives the excuse that she's getting them to 'pray' for me ect.

I don't have a close relationship with her but she does help me out practically and I her. Everything somehow turns back to how 'she' is suffering and I feel that both times she has told people (and she starts the tears and everything too) it i for them to feel sorry for her if that makes sense?
I know people will probably come on here saying 'your mum is worried' or she is is upset but I know my mum and I just do not thing this is the case.
Every conversation we have turns back to her so tbh i don't talk in depth to her as |I don't really think she's listening anyway.

Sorry to rant but I just don't need this.

She's trying to enforce herself to come with me to my consultations too, I'm 36!
I need to get out of that one fast and right now I'm not sure how.

Tell her that you need her to trust that you're an adult capable of making your own decisions so unless she's prepared to respect that and not butt in you won't be telling her anything about your treatment.

My mum's the same. I just stopped telling her stuff. Like when my PIL had cancer (now fully recovered) as I just knew she would make it all about her.

I find it very annoying but she refused to changer her ways (I did ask) so I changed instead.

Hope everything is OK .

My dm is the same and and don't tell her anything. When she had cancer she wanted to keep it quiet (which I totally respected and understood). I really shocked by the personal questions people asked me about her situation. One was 'how much of her breast does she have left?'. It's all about juicy details people like to gossip about.

for you and YANBU, I hate people who try to make all situations about them.

With good news it's all about thunder stealing, with sadder news it's to get all sympathy and attention for themselves.

Horrible!

Tell her your appointment has changed if you want.

I feel for you as fil used to be the same.

Best of luck with your consult op

Yes to not telling her stuff - but I would be tempted to go a stage further and let her know that I won't be telling her anything confidential in future.

As to the appointment - just say that you don't want her there because you don't want even more private details bandying around people you don't even know.

Seriously, stop telling her things. I've had this conversation repeatedly with my DM and she just doesn't get why it bothers me. Nowadays there are huge swathes of my life that DM (who I'm very close to and rely heavily on for practical help) knows nothing about and she's been told that if she carries on telling the family and her friends my business, I'll stop telling her anything at all. The sheer number of secrets I keep to protect her and she still can't keep anything at all about my life private!

I hope the test results bring good news.

My mum is pretty bad but if told explicitly NOT to tell people she does comply. My MIL on the other hand (in most respects a lovely woman who I get on well with) just cannot keep a secret. That's why we didn't tell my husband's parents about pregnancy news until after the 12 week scan, when we told everybody. That's the price for being indiscreet unfortunately.

I can't abide this sort of "grief tourism", attention-seeking over-emotionality. It's perfectly possible to empathise with someone's difficult situation without putting yourself at the centre of it by gossiping.

I was in the car one day with my former business partner when she took a call. There was a moment's silence then she started shrieking "oh my god, oh my god, I can't believe it, we'll come right over," followed by her crying so hard I thought she would vomit. Obviously I was concerned and pulled over to find out what had happened. The call was from the beauty salon cancelling her appointment because the salon owner's mother had dropped dead in the supermarket .

That sort of reaction was absolutely typical of her, and would be followed by her telling everyone she knew, and these days, no doubt putting it on FB. It's one of many reasons why she's no longer in my life. Emotional vampires.

Hope all goes well for you.
Totally get why you are cheesed off.

I don't tell my mother much either. We refer to the box of things we won't tell her, which is pretty full right now!
And if you do tell her anything she can always top it with a story from one of her friends.

If you don't want your mum to tell anyone else at all, and you've said so clearly, then YANBU in any way. But I'm not sure about how you're interpreting what she's done.

If an adult ds of mine with 3 kids under 7 had a potentially very serious illness I would be in pieces. Worried witless. First and foremost for you and my gcs, but also for me as a mum. Being blunt, fearing for the life of your child is one of the worst fears there is and I don't think it's unreasonable for her to seek support for herself.

If church groups are central to your mum's life and values then I find it very understandable that she'd seek support there. If she's devout, then asking people to pray for you isn't an "excuse". It's a basic tenet of faith, and it's something she believes might help. The person being prayed for doesn't have to believe, only the people doing the praying. I'm not a believer but I know how much it can mean to those who are. My mum (and her groups) prayed for my DH when he was dying. He was an agnostic but he took it as it was intended.

You say she's told family you hardly know and these church guys. Sounds like she's avoiding involving anyone close to you, but is reaching out to people outside that circle for support for herself. Given that, if you are ill, she will (from what you say) be giving you practical and moral support, I think she's going to need a support network of her own.

I also just don't tell my mum stuff that I want kept confidential. I think in her case she's just an open, sharing person and yes, sometimes needs support. But however much I impress on her my need for not telling people stuff, she thinks "confidential" means "only tell half a dozen people, don't take out a newspaper ad". So I'm afraid I keep some stuff from her.

When I was in my early teens my Aunt's husband tried to come on to me, twice. I told a teacher who told my mum. I was scared my Aunt wouldn't believe me and I didn't want anyone to know. She didn't tell my aunt, she still has no idea why I don't see her. My mum did say that John down the road was horrified, as was I when I realised she had told most of her friends.

I've had similar issues with my mother. She's never really respected privacy on confidentiality for as long as I can remember.
I totally lost my rag with her after my 20 week scan for my first child. I phoned her to tell her the results and minutes later she posts on facebook the sex and chosen name of our child.
She just didn't get why it was a problem. I had to keep reiterating "It was MY news to share NOT yours!"
She didn't make the same mistake with my second child and I thought she'd finally got the message.
Turns out I was wrong. She's been telling her pen palls all about my latest health problems which I'd asked her to keep quiet about. To be fair, she hasn't blabbed it to any mutual aquantainces, but I still hate the idea that my general heath is considered a good gossip point amongst a group of people I don't know.
She let slip that one of them was asking how things were going and I reminded her yet again about keeping my news private. She still didn't get it. Of course, I have to keep things about her health quiet.
I wish I could offer something other than empathy op, it's an annoying situation and its hard to deal with as my mum isn't doing it maliciously.

I can trust my mum to keep her gob shut if I ask.

However, both Mum and I know to be careful in what we actually tell Dad. Much as I love him, I know he's very capable of using anything for some attention seeking.

My mum is like this. I don't think she's attention seeking, it's more that there isn't a lot going on in her life so she likes picking over the details of everyone else's instead.

I know far more about the gynaecological details of my sisters-in-law's births and aftercare, and I'm sure my cousins would be delighted to know that we are all fully informed about their psychiatric problems and breast reduction surgery. I have pointed this out to her more than once but she seems to think that being vaguely related is enough reason to take such a ludicrously personal interest.

I don't tell her much that I'm not happy to have spread indiscriminately.