To go NC with elderly GF over this?

[YoungGirlGrowingOld]

My paternal GF is almost 90. He is in fairly good health, but bad tempered and opinionated. This behaviour is not age-related - he has always been like this. My father is dead but was also NC with him for years beforehand.

I am 40 and quite senior in my profession. I have no kids, but I am 4.5 months pregnant with my first. I got married at age 38 for the first time.

I see GP's a couple of times a year, but they live 5 hours drive from our house. DH is a doctor and we both work a lot of hours, and have quite a few relatives to fit in. GD has always been grumpy about this and has no understanding about the demands of my job. After our last visit, DH refused to go back because GD and his wife are so racist that he feels unwelcome. (He is Muslim/non-white and apparently remarks about "bloody foreign Muslim doctors not speaking English" were made). It's even more difficult now because I don't want to spend weekends/holidays without DH and I am embarrassed and ashamed that they made him feel this way.

When I told GD my pregnancy news, his reaction was "you're not! You must be bloody mad! Your kids should be 18 by now!" He has also shared his negative opinion with other relatives who have told me he has "no idea where I got this bloody ridiculous idea about becoming a mother at 41", that it's selfish and not fair on the baby, etc.

WIBU to cut off contact over this? I considered it before over the racist remarks, but DM (who adores DH) said GD had always been an unreconstructed knob-head, not to dignify it, that he wouldn't change now and we should just ignore him and in her experience eventually he will STFU (love my DM )

I do feel incredibly guilty about cutting off a lonely man who will likely be dead soon, but otoh I am very, very upset and hurt by his comments. There have been tears and worries that, really, this is what everyone thinks. Is this normal behaviour from a Daily Mail-reading nonogenarian or WIBU to tell him that I no longer wish to have any contact with him? If the latter, do I tell him why?

If you've got this far - thank you!

I agree it's not worth the whole NC drama if you hardly see him anyway.

But it's interesting that you should ask if this is normal behaviour from people in their 90s.

Because that comes across about as ageist as he comes across racist, if you think about it.

And it can't be to do with his choice of newspaper, because otherwise a massively high proportion of Mumsnetters would think the same way.

Is this normal behaviour from a Daily Mail-reading nonogenarian?

Basically, you have it there. Or, if not normal exactly, then certainly not atypical of a certain group. The thing is, a lot of people like that just consider themselves "plain spoken" and would be really upset if they knew that they had upset you or your DH. One of my friends (non white) was laughing the other day as he had been chatting with his secretary about the referendum and she'd said something like "The problem with this country is too many immigrants and foreigners". He knows if he'd pulled her up on it, she'd have said "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean you" - and she wouldn't have done. It's just sloppy thinking from people who aren't that bright and most of them don't mean to cause upset.

The baby thing is more upsetting...but it is a generational thing. Middle class people now think under 30 is too young to have a baby - the world has just changed! By the sound of the circle you're in, you'll possibly be one of the older mothers, but I suspect not by much. You won't stick out and you're unlikely to be the oldest at the school gate. I know several people who have had first children over 40 - and that's outside the whole London/professional women thing where it's much more common. Please don't worry...

As a way forward, maybe tell him he's upset you and your DH. Or ask your mum to tell him. You might not change him, but I bet he'd be upset to know that and might try a bit harder!!

Going NC with a ninety year old you see for perhaps 10 hours over a year?

Why create drama , he isn't been spiteful he's old and tactless.

Just let the visits dwindle ,odds are they will naturally anyway with a baby to keep you even busier. No need for a statement.

Being old is no excuse or explanation for racism.

I wouldn't go NC as he may not be around for long. However, I would contest him every time he makes a racist comment and every time he criticizes your pregnancy. I would also only visit occasionally unless he starts to take a different approach when you start challenging him.

Mumsnet is "not sound" on old people.

I think that has to be the crowning turd in the cistern. If so then NC away. His relationships are his consequence.

I'm sorry he's upset you 💐

Honestly, don't let it get to you. It's not worth it, it really isn't.

The views he holds are very old fashioned, but he's very old! I'm very sure that when I'm 90 I'll do & say things that are incredibly outdated, I just hope they aren't offensive - in that era.

He's highly unlikely to be around by the time your baby (congratulations 💐🍾🍸) understands what he's saying.

I'm not sure what your normal plans are when you go to visit, but I'd stay with DH in a B&B near by & just go and visit for a short while. With or without DH depending n whether you need DH's support more or he needs not to go more.

I think from what you've said and how you've said it, that you'd regret making a big thing out of going NC when he does die.

Starry his mother lived to 103, so I am not counting on it!

Point taken about ageism. I should have expressed that much better. I meant is it reasonable to assume that someone who has always been a Daily Mail reader type, with strong opinions about immigrants, women, single parents (my DM was one and knows of what I speak!) etc, would be unlikely to mellow much at the age of 89 and therefore should not be expected to be delighted that his career-gal GD has married a foreigner and got knocked up at an age when he thinks she should be knitting for her grandchildren...

I have kind of answered my own question - he is equally unlikely to give a crap that he has now hurt my feelings and offended DH. It's best to ignore and just return his communications pleasantly but in a non- committal way.

There is still a bit of rage making me want to tell him what I really think, but it just feels wrong to do that to someone so elderly. That's probably ageist as well!

Thanks everyone.

Oh you asked if what he said was what people were thinking...no one with a whole brain cell 😁

Yes 'in his day' you would have had older teenagers by now, but the world has moved on. I'm 6/7 years older than you and would be thrilled to be pregnant. It's a whole different world.

He is 90 years old and you see him about twice a year.

If he lives for another 10 years, that's 20 more visits at the most and you would really rather create a drama in order to avoid those.

Only you know if it's worth it. To me, it seems a bit Hard Hearted Hannah. You're happy and settled with a baby on the way and usually happy people make more allowances for very elderly family members who are nearing the end of life.

He isn't going to have a lightbulb moment and think he must change his ways, he is just going to be hurt. Presumably, if you do go NC, you won;'t be going to his deathbed to say goodbye or to his funeral either.

Do you think you might suffer 'guilty' feelings down the line about that or, if the shine drops off your marriage in years to come-it does happen- use it as a stick to clobber your husband with?

I wouldn't do it but no-one can really advise you on what to do.

Once baby arrives you won't have time or headspace for grumpy old rellies.
But don't expect him to transform into a doting GGP at the sight of your perfect newborn, he will still be rude.

I agree with your summation! 😁

His mother lived to 103. Hmm. Well, if he's looking to follow suit it might be worth at least putting your foot down about how he speaks to/about your DH and definitely your child, without expecting a total personality transplant!

Being old is no excuse or explanation for racism.

It isn't, I agree with you BUT it is sometimes an explanation for how things are expressed. My nan was emphatically not a racist but she would refer to what I would call "chocolate brown" as "n brown" and simply couldn't understand why we all yelled at her whenever she said it. Similarly, I used to work for a company where the head honcho was a lovely man, terribly fair and very committed to helping women succeed and work flexibly if they wanted to. He was however, of the generation who called every woman under 40 "my dear". Not a sexist, just someone from a different time who hadn't quite got that that was seen as inappropriate now (ironically, probably because he was too senior for anyone to tell him!).

My Grandparents were really racist. There was an incident when I was under 10 where they were looking after us. If even a black person came on TV they would turn over - I know . The did this in front of us once. My mum witnessed it and went crazy, got our stuff and drove us home... We were totally confused, as we didn't know what racism was and it hadn't crossed our minds. My mum explained in on the journey home. It was a lesson I'll never forget.
You child will be influenced by you.
However, he sounds very unkind. If you can't cope with the guilt, maybe rather than NC, stretch the visits out more and phone very occasionally, instead. YANBU to go totally NC though.

You won't want to be travelling long distances by car with a baby/toddler - 5 hours is a long way, plus extra stops for feeding and nappy changing, let alone feeling too dog-tired to drive after being up a lot of the night.

Why go through all the hassle to visit such a racist git? Just stay at home and enjoy time with your DH and baby, or go out to visit family members you do like. Just reduce contact down to a trickle.

He sounds quite a lot like my FIL. I have to see quite a bit of him and I grit my teeth and ignore his stupid comments. I actually think he thinks he's being funny and that somehow, being old gives him a free ticket to say what he thinks.

I think you are going to be terribly busy with your new baby so probably won't have much time for visits for a while.

Is you GM alive and if so is she nice enough to suffer his company? Your mum sounds ace.

I wouldn't bother going to visit him. You don't enjoy the visits, he makes nasty comments that upset you and DH. Five hours is a long way to travel with a baby. You will want to enjoy your free time together rather than travel all weekend to feel cross and upset. I wouldn't make a big NC statement, but I would just say it is too far to travel with a baby and send the odd card.

I'd just stop visiting. Life's too short to be dealing with avoidable unpleasantness and if he's lonely then maybe it's for a reason.

I'd just leave it. He'll be dead soon. You are quite old to be having a kid, it's a fact. Yes, he could have expressed it a little more tactfully but for the sake of a bit of harmony I'd just let it go.