to think men cocking stuff up is neither cute nor endearing?

[DrSeuss]

I've thought this for a while but a post doing the rounds on FB yesterday brought it back to mind. A dad had sent a child to nursery wearing just dungarees, no top or jumper. Everyone was making comments along the lines of ah, he tried, bless him.

I wondered what people would have said if the mother had done that. Would they have found it sweet or just thought that a parent really should know how to dress a child?
My MIL is firmly of the frame of mind that men's mistakes are cute and funny. She expects me to share this view. If, for example, DH was supposed to pick up DS when I have had DD three days previously and he totally forgets what time school finishes doesn't leave work on time and arrives twenty minutes late, that's really endearing and he should be let off for his mistake.

I initially thought it was a generational thing but it seems not. A friend was unable to move from her bed following major surgery. She got a call asking when someone was coming to school to pick the kids up. She rang her husband who was meant to take care of this. He was thirty miles away, having forgotten. Cue all her friends bar me doing the whole, bless, so cute, so funny, don't be too hard on him thing. if she totally forgot her kids, would they say that?
So many other examples I could give. Why does anyone think it's sweet when men cock up? Why is it funny and endearing when my DH leaves the children's coats three hundred miles away in mid winter? Why does he get a verbal pat on the head? Would I? I doubt it. And guess who had to sort that one out?
If I make a mistake, I sort it out. I don't expect people to say that it's cute.

I don't know anyone in real life (perhaps bar my mother, who remains, after more than 20 years, utterly astonished by the fact that my husband is an excellent cook, does the laundry, shopping and remembering of birthdays as a matter of course) who finds male incompetence with domestic/childcare stuff inevitable and endearing, but I'm always surprised and depressed by the extent to which you get this on Mn, where there's a strand of 'Useless ol' DH, ho ho ho' stuff which is intended to be funny and 'all girls together', but which is pretty reactionary.

Just opened fb to see the post referred to in the op. It'd be shared by a friend who wrote how hilariously funny it was. Not seeing the funniness, just see that the parent who dressed the baby obviously didn't bother the consider if the child would be warm. You don't need to be a genius with 20 years experience in parenting to figure out that the baby isn't fully dressed, it's obvious.

I feel the same way as you.

There's frequently videos on FB of men their babies changing nappies, they are gagging, being sick and stuff like that. I think it's utterly pathetic and if I mother did that, she'd get shot down.

Double standards

YANBU. Gives me the rage.

Sets societal expectations so insanely low for men - and then we wonder why there are examples who live up to that low bar thinking they are going great and on MNet we have so many threads about women doing everything and their partners nothing or incompetently. How cute.

Yanbu. Boils my piss.

I do not find incompetence the least bit appealing in a man, nevermind endearing. I don't need an extra child to look after thanks and I just can't see what is so cute about it. He's a grown man. If it was something like trying to cook something complicated and royally cocking it up I would probably find it funny, same as I would with anyone else or perhaps getting utterly befuddled the first time he changed a nappy. I kept getting it back to front in the beginning. But by the time a child is old enough to go to preschool I would expect us both to be equally competent in looking after them and just messing up simple things all the time because they can't be asked to think about it. No. Not cute.

YANBU. One of the reasons I ditched XP was because of this kind of crap. It is not OK to basically neglect kids and expect another grown up to pick up the pieces.

I travel with work for short periods (usually less than a week). I have colleagues that joke that they're surprised that dh hasn't divorced me yet because I leave him to work FT and deal with the 3 DC. And these are people who have seen me deal with DH's absences of multiple months through work assignments. It's unbelievable. Apparently I just have a coping gene.

My DH is 58, so approaching retirement, and perfectly good at housekeeping, a competent cook who could do a dinner party or a roast dinner with a bit of time to plan, perfectly OK at washing and ironing, can do a nappy in seconds, perfectly good at baby care and looking after small children. Things he is not good are baking and flower arranging and that's about it, although he will try both if required and if given good instructions.

I honestly don't understand why men can't do these things.

YANBU. DH once dressed DD in shorts. It was fucking December. People thought it was funny but I just thought DD must have been freezing (and changed her). Men just seem to get away with being bloody thoughtless sometimes. If I had done it as a mother I suspect people would be saying 'what is she thinking?' and 'that poor child must be freezing' instead of how funny it was.

Totally agree. My mother was in hospital when I was five and my dad dressed Me inappropriately for weather (think skirt, ankle socks, polo top, no jumper or cardigan, in November). Apparently no one blamed him (bar mum) because I'd insisted on wearing that - so a man has no control over his own child and its ok? If it'd been my mum it'd have been a different story.

Mum used to be a SAHP and now she works, so do I. The only person at home every day is dad. So it stands to reason he should do the lion share of housework, cooking etc because he's home and there's only him and the dog, no children. Mum instead insists on getting up early to do housework, spends her days off doing housework, worries over the state of the house and puts pressure on herself, instead of asking dad to do some (I chip in too obviously). Dad's never ironed or hoovered she says, he won't know how. I offer to teach him. No she says, it's not man's work. He can only do a bit of dusting and gardening and a bit of tidying up, it's not fair to expect more. In her mind though it is 'fair' that me and her split the jobs between us as were female and get up earlier before work to do those chores! Ridiculous, especially when there is an adult at home with all day to do those chores. It's something we clash over, and I do do some houseworko f course, but theres no way I'm doing 2 hours of housework before a 10 hour shift when there's someone else who just sits down watching telly most of the day.

You don't need to be a genius with 20 years experience in parenting to figure out that the baby isn't fully dressed, it's obvious...Exactly

I've just been telling my OH about this (not yet seen it on FB) and we had a conversation about incapable men. He said...he's a fuckwit, if he managed to dress himself then he must know how to dress his child.

Thank God OH isnt in the fuckwit category

Yanbu this really annoys me along with men 'babysitting' their own children, you being sooooo lucky your husband cooks etc. Women aren't doing themselves or men any favours babying men like this and surely some men must find it irritating.

My husband hates that people say he's "babysitting" the kids if I'm not at home for any reason. You don't "babysit" your own children.
He dresses them, can make them dinner (okay he's no chef but waffles and nuggets on occasion won't kill them) and bathes them etc. He does plenty of laundry, sweeps up, does dishes... He's not a superhero, he just likes that stuff.
In fact, he's much tidier than me. I'm naturally a messy cow until I completely lose it, go crazy binning stuff and spend 6 hours gutting as many rooms I can, making the end result look like a whole new house! )

My MIL hates it. She thinks I should be wiping his bottom for him too.

Try saying that this is a feminist issue,nthough and see what happens to you!

Oh lived with mil until he over in with me. She used to get up at 4am to make his breakfast for him and was disgusted I refused to do the same

moved in with me

You don't need to be a genius with 20 years experience in parenting to figure out that the baby isn't fully dressed, it's obvious.

This. Dressing your child in clothes that are inside out may be endearing.
(I admit, this tends to happen to me when dressing myself.)
Not dressing your child at least half-way adequately for the temperatures outside is being a shit parent, and there is no excuse for it - a man who does this should be forced to have his wife handle his finances for him, as he is clearly not capable of being in charge of anything important.

He can dress himself, so he can dress his child. It's not exactly rocket science.

YANBU!

YADNBU. This really winds me up, and it winds DH up too. We haven't experienced it as parents yet (expecting our first) but we have experienced it WRT household tasks and other couples.

For example, we were sat with another couple, at a family thing, and the wife was talking about how her dear husband would never know where the hoover is or the cleaning cloths and wouldn't know how to do a load of laundry (after a bloke spilt something elsewhere in the room) and it was said in such a "Deary me, silly little man doesn't know where all of the cleaning things are in our house as it's all my job as the woman. Isn't it sweet when they spill something and I have to clean it up?" and they were trying to get us to join in this charade of men being helpless in the house. We just told them that DH does most of the cleaning in our house and a lot of the cooking too and shrugged. They made their excuses to go to a different table soon after! It's so bloody ridiculous.

DH has already had people family members commenting about what he'll get up to when he "babysits" our child and making wise cracks about how he'll do everything "wrong". Luckily my BIL is a SAHD so when it's my family we ask if they'd call what BIL does babysitting, they usually shut up after that.

Play my DH often travels for work - funnily enough no one has ever asked me how I cope . . .

I didn't know if this thread would be about parenting or politics - men being incompetent and leaving it for women to sort out isn't endearing either way.

My DH is a truly excellent parent, but he does do the (at least partially) fake incompetence thing when it comes to housework. It is a feminist issue, and maybe I should call him on it - but tbh it'd be more pain than gain. DD is an astute observer so I'm not worried about role model effects on her.

I remember being 'called over' to a discussion at work, as if to settle something. My boss (female) said "Tigermoll, do you buy your [thenbf's] underpants for him?'
'Christ no,' I responded cheerfully. 'I'm not his mother. Anyway, he was wearing pants when I met him, so I expect he knows how to get hold of some if he needs them.'

Wrong answer. I was supposed to trill 'Of course I buy them for him! Men are just so useless, aren't they?'. The whole discussion was a) insulting and inaccurate and b) totally inappropriate for an office environment, especially coming from the boss of a mixed-gender team, who was basically calling half of her workforce incompetent children, and thinking that was somehow a fond joke.

It's bad parenting. DH works full time and I'm a SAHM. He's perfectly capable of dressing a child. DH and I are the kind of couple who split jobs rather than share - so on a Saturday he does dressing and nappy changes, I make food / nurse. But he is perfectly capable of doing lunch if I'm going out. I think he'd be pretty embarrassed if he wasn't.

I know in the early days there were things I got good at quicker than him so he had to work a bit harder to know what he was doing, but he did, because he wanted to be a parent. Why have kids if you don't?!

Some women imo like to do this makes them feel in control and better than a man they feed into thd notion that women ard the doers and copers of situations especially concerning children. Its not endearing or funny or och men what are they like its insulting and women who say this need to have a word with themselves . Decades ago i was in hospital for 8 weeks dh looked after our 14 month old just fine we did need babysitters cos he was working but my mum and mil thought it was best they picked clothes out because he is a man and apparently couldnt dress a toddler