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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don't know whether to pull out of houseshare?

38 replies

MovingInOutOn · 30/06/2016 20:22

Have posted on this already but still deliberating. Essentially future housemate (who I know and like but have never lived with) has said she would like her dp to stay about 3 nights a week at our place, but not possible for her to stay at his. I don't know whether to just suck this up. Plus side is she seems nice, down side is I didn't sign up to have couple in kitchen and communal spaces... Plus where do you draw the line?

OP posts:

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 01/07/2016 16:12

I stand by my comments on previous thread and those of several other posters telling you to get it sorted out up front and get a proper agreement in place regarding how much time you will all accept and the costs involved. really not sure why you need another thread on it to hear the same straightforward advice. seriously... grow up and discuss it like an adult.

whois · 01/07/2016 16:13

It's not just the money, it totally changes how you can be in the house, and it's essentially 2v1 rather than an equal share.

I disagree that it is normal in house shares to have a GF or BF over three nights a week (and I assume that will be all weekend) but never go to their place.

If you don't mind the change in dynamic, then tell her your OK with it butter and bills need to be adjusted and he needs to contribute to cleaning etc.

carefreeeee · 01/07/2016 16:20

He's 0.5 of a housemate and should pay rent and bills in proportion, then you won't mind...

Occasional guests are different - should be agreed in advance and probably only be a couple of times a month

But why don't they just move in together, if she hasn't even moved in with you yet?

passingthrough1 · 01/07/2016 16:31

I don't really see the issue...? What if you want someone to stay over regularly .. You wouldn't be expected to move out would you?
When you live with flat mates it's normal that during the time you live together some / all of you will be in relationships and expect a partner to be allowed round.
Agree weird if it was almost every night, then they should be living together and paying extra.

passingthrough1 · 01/07/2016 16:36

Also to the people saying they should be living together already.. For most people that's a pretty big step and means a lot of commitment. Isn't the normal way of things that you'd probably stay over 1-2 times a week.. Getting on for 3-4... Then when you're really at that stage where you want to spend every night together and share your life basically - have joint bills and a joint place - you'd move in but that might be 1,2,3 years after you get together?
Seems a bit harsh to rule someone out as a flatmate because they have a boyfriend. Almost all of us have been in the situation where we want a boyfriend round to a shared house or flat on a regular basis.

Marynary · 01/07/2016 16:36

I think that this happens in a houseshare anyway. The difference here is that she has actually asked before hand. Three nights a week is reasonable, but if he stays for more than it is not. It is a shame that she can't stay at his house sometimes though.

sizeofalentil · 01/07/2016 16:46

This is really quite normal for a house share. They'll probably spend most of the time in her room. As long as it doesn't cause a problem in the mornings with everyone trying to use the bathroom it'll be fine.

Iflyaway · 01/07/2016 17:00

A house share with more than just your flatmate?

My son is in a house share and anything like that would be collectively decided in a meeting if a regular 3-nights a week thing. Everyone has the right to be able to give input, yes or no, decide on any utility splitting etc.

Better that than resentment building up after the fact.

problembottom · 01/07/2016 17:17

I lived with someone similar, her boyfriend stayed over lots and she never spent a night away. She lived in an easier part of London for him to get to work so he basically moved in. They cooked elaborate meals together a lot which was a PITA for my other flatmate and I. Double the washing etc. Their shagging was very loud. They were nice but it was annoying.

I had boyfriends too but they were much less "present" and I'd stay at theirs some of the time. The fact she's already asking for "about" three nights a week and saying she can't stay with him would be a warning flag for me. Why can't she stay at his, wouldn't his housemates like it?!

WreckingBallsInsideMyHead · 01/07/2016 17:37

I disagree that it's normal to build up gradually with no thought to other housemates. Yes, they may be wary of commitment but part of the compromise you make by saving money by living in a houseshare is not having the freedom to do everything you want.

If they don't want to commit to living together they should do 2/3 nights at each place, so OP gets her own space some times to make up for extra person other times.

WreckingBallsInsideMyHead · 01/07/2016 17:38

I'd want to know why she can't stay at his... And whether it's temporary (eg shitty current flat but moving in a couple of months) or permanent (eg lives with parents who don't know she exists)

passingthrough1 · 01/07/2016 18:56

Totally agree that some things aren't acceptable e.g boyfriend doing his laundry at yours, working from home at yours, being there when you're not - and there are definitely people who overstep the mark as flat mates. But it's totally unreasonable to expect people to barely see their boyfriends or girlfriends just because they have flat mates. Do you need to rent your own place just to have a relationship?

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 01/07/2016 19:05

Don't do it, respect to your friend for raising this with you up front but now you are armed with the facts I would look at other arrangements. Three nights will turn into more, you will be queuing for the shower in the morning, made to feel awkward when they are snuggling up on the sofa watching a dvd, his laundry will infiltrate the place, you will be subsidising their living expenses, hearing them shag or worse, when they argue, there will be those crap times when he has a set of keys and you come home expecting a few hours to yourself to find him scratching his balls in his pants watching top gear, the moment you flag anything up you will be labelled the unreasonable one. Just don't.

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