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Original poster

To be sick of paying for ExHusbands travel costs to see our daughter?

46 replies

Veryveryveryfedup · 30/06/2016 11:44

I moved to another town with my son 10 years ago after my husband and I divorced. I had really good reasons for moving (200 miles), but probably still felt guilty and did everything I could to keep my daughter in contact with my Ex. I have always been the main resident carer, we separated when our child was a baby.

I struggle and now have a HUGE debt. I can never afford to take my daughter on holidays yet the Ex takes her away for fun exotic holidays. Ex takes no interest in any parenting, like schooling.

My problem is, I get regular abuse from the Ex - he changes the dates at the last minute, or asks for extra dates, he is bitter and vindictive. I had almost accepted being in debt, just thought it was the right thing to do, but what is the point if Ex just tells me and our daughter that I've ruined their relationship a way?

I am utterly sick of this. I don't want to continue paying for these, they are never enough and I want to claw back some stability.

But I know that I'm going to get an awful lot of abuse for Ex. What do I do?

OP posts:
Dogolphin · 30/06/2016 12:38

I would simply tell him you can't afford it. Leave the ball in his court and see what happens.

amarmai · 30/06/2016 12:55

Take back your power over your life and happiness. Even if he ups the nastiness you will be coming from a position of taking control not just taking shit. Can you get someone else to read the emails and just extract the info you have to have? Send them on to a friend or relative and ask them to save them for future use if needed.Counselling sounds vital as you have been eating his shit for many years. Good you got free from such a bitter nasty man. Cannot be good for your dd to be hearing his poison dripped into her ear

mouldycheesefan · 30/06/2016 12:59

If you really can't face telling him you won't be paying for travel, ask solicitor to send him a letter. Yes the will be q cost but it will be less than you are paying in travel. Any response to be sent to solicitor.

RandomMess · 30/06/2016 13:06

What contact was your DD want with him?

I would go down the route of stating DD wants X contact and you need X months notice of which weekends/holidays he wants.

You will no longer be paying any of his travel costs or expense anymore and he will need to do all the travelling due to his previous behaviour of changing things last minute etc.

If he would like to go to court you understand.

Keep it brief and factual and let him get on with throwing his toys out the pram...

He will say no more maintenance and you can respond that is fine so long as he accepts that will not agree to paying his expenses and travel any longer.

Your DD is 12 she is old enough to have her wishes taken into account by the court.

amarmai · 30/06/2016 13:16

Do NOT say it's ok to not pay maintenance. Can you pull up records of the money you have given to this man plus dates ,as that is going to show any judge that you are being financially abused . He demands an extra visit and you pay?? This has to stop now. Just do it by solicitor.s letter and as soon as you make this decision and follow thru , you will feel JOY, because you have taken control.

Original poster
Veryveryveryfedup · 30/06/2016 16:25

Random That's one of the worst things, my DD will often repeat to me what he Dad says to her, he's always telling her that it isn't enough contact time, that he'd do anything to spend more time with her but that I've made it impossible. He treats DD to anything that she wants when she is with him, let's her stay up as late as she likes. DD adores him.

DD gets off the phone with him and asks me when she's next seeing him. She then gets back on the phone, and there's a lot of emotion from her Dad and she'll come down and say it's upsetting can't she see her Dad sooner. I was frank with my DD and said that her Dad was welcome to visit more often if he or she wished, but that I was stretched enough as it is paying for visits so I could not pay for more.

I then got a horrible email from ExH saying that 'How dare I every tell DD that he could pay for visits if he wanted, and that was completely impossible and putting our child in the middle'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Veryveryveryfedup · 30/06/2016 16:27

And yet, DD will also say that she likes to spend more time with friends than go to her Dad's, and her Dad once went away for 2 months with his GF and she was fine about it. So like any young teenager she can think one thing one minute, another the next. It's just the parroting back of her Dad's emotions that I find very difficult.

OP posts:
ilovewelshrarebit123 · 30/06/2016 16:35

What would happen if you stopped giving him the money?

I moved my DD 270 miles away from her dad, he had the chance to stop us going but he chose not to.

He sees her once a month, he pays for his own travel and accommodation. He stays at my house occasionally to save money, usually if I'm away or at a friends.

He's in control here and you can stop this, go for it!

Nightstalker · 30/06/2016 16:40

You moved, you pay

PoundingTheStreets · 30/06/2016 16:49

What was the situation before you split? Who was the primary carer? I'm guessing it was you?

Would I also be correct in thinking that you have moved away because you have chosen to go somewhere you can either earn enough money to support you and DD as a single parent family, or where you can rely on an established support network to help balance the responsibility of being a single parent family?

If both those things are true, STOP feeling guilty. Moving away has been about offering stability for your DD. You therefore owe your X nothing. Unless X was willing to negotiate a separated parenting deal in which he could make up for the factors you have moved away for, moving away is not about being unfair on him, it is about doing what was best for your DD - in this case a well-supported financially solvent primary carer.

The fact that you are paying travelling costs for a man who can afford exotic foreign holidays while you have accumulated debts and can't afford to pay for opportunities for your child, tells me that your X values his image of parent far more than he does his DD's actual welfare.

You don't have to be nasty or confrontational to stop that; just firm and wise to guilt trips.

Good luck. Flowers

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 30/06/2016 16:57

Night stalker - she may have had to move so that's harsh. I moved as I couldn't afford to live in the area, work etc as a single parent.

I needed support from family, so the you moved, you pay isn't always appropriate.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/06/2016 17:07

Is the payment part of a court settlement?

You move 200 miles, you pay usually

That is not true at all.

A more usual order would be the parent paying the CM funds the travel and applies for a travel variation assesment and the other parent pays 50% of 50% of the remaining costs.

Original poster
Veryveryveryfedup · 30/06/2016 17:13

Yes I had to move. I actually stayed as long as I could, asked ExH if we could work together to try and make it more affordable, and move to better school area. He didn't see any problem.

I was working all hours, struggling with mortgage and bills, juggling nurseries and working from home to look after baby, absolutely no life, no family, no support. When I think of myself back at that stage I still feel upset at how bad it was.

My mum was ill yet would come down to cover some days regularly with childcare, I had to phone my brother once to cover an important work event with child. It was crazy really.

I think what gets to me more than the money, is being got at and blamed still, messed around at the last minute. If I'd paid half all of this time, but had an ExH who didn't have digs at me, I'd still be in debt but would have had at least some peace of mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Veryveryveryfedup · 30/06/2016 17:17

Pounding Thank you for your kind words, I actually got a bit tearful reading your and some other posts. Thanks.

I just seem to have no thick skin at all. I also feel totally alone in my upbringing of DD. All the responsibility, none of the fun. I don't want to end up a martyr.

OP posts:
EveOnline2016 · 30/06/2016 17:21

If he stops seeing his daughter over this then he does.

Creampastry · 30/06/2016 17:22

Stop paying now. Explain it to your dd. You have your dh to support you.

Creampastry · 30/06/2016 17:22

Emotionally I meant

Fluffycloudland77 · 30/06/2016 17:23

I wouldn't pay. He can pay to visit if he can afford to take her away.

Enoughisenough9 · 30/06/2016 17:25

My situation is identical, I moved 200 miles away 15 years ago. I have never once brought daughter to see her father. If he wants to be with her, he can move here. Our life is here. He collects her every two weeks or so for a weekend and has her for some holidays.

Enoughisenough9 · 30/06/2016 17:26

And I'm astonished you pay his travel expenses.

YouTheCat · 30/06/2016 17:27

Stop paying him. He can sort his own travel.

He probably won't bother. Ignore emails. Ignore texts unless you are giving specific facts about contact.

He has been using your dd to get at you for years.

The worst that will happen is he continues to rant but you don't have to engage with him at all.

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