I know I am, but WWYD?

[whatamockerywemake]

My DD has been part of an extra-curricular thing for the past 8 years. The thing she does is fabulous value when you break it down to how much you pay per hour (works out at a couple of quid), but is bloomin' expensive over a year (over 300 per term, so over a grand a year). It didn't used to be, but it's now a lot of money for us to find.

This is probably irrelevant, but most of the other people who do this "club" are at private schools. She's one of a very few state school kids who does this in our area.

Through no one's fault, she's missed about 1/2 the classes since Easter. And (our fault) but she's heard me and DH muttering to each other about the waste of money. So she's announced that she doesn't want to do it next year. We gave notice to them, and they sent a lovely message begging us to reconsider. So I was totally honest and said it was great value, but a lot of money for us to find.

The lady running it has come back and offered to pay 1/2 the costs if it means DD keeps coming.

This is the loveliest compliment ever (and actually made me cry). DD is chuffed to bits that they want her (and I don't think she actually wanted to give up in the first place, although she'd never admit that - and her reasons for giving up were valid, as she starts GCSE course next year and is worried about how much work she'll have to do).

The thing is, I think we'd be morally wrong to take the money. To put it into context, when DD first started doing this we earned good money (well, DH did). We've managed to pay off our mortgage (amazing, I know!) and now we've both taken jobs that give us more time (to spend with DD), but low income. We had a period in our lives where we were able to take 3 holidays a year (which was AMAZING). This year we're still going away, but it's once, my DM is helping and it's for one week only because that's all we can afford.

But I genuinely appreciate that even having enough for a holiday is fabulous. I work with some genuinely poor people (who use food banks, and struggle to clothe their DC appropriately and have atrocious living conditions) so I see every day what having no money really means.

So I feel we should decline the offer. because we CAN afford it. But, tbh, it's accept and have a long weekend away next summer or reject it and don't. I know this is very, very first world. But WWYD?
We NEVER asked for any help. We just quit and then when asked explained why.

But if we take this money, are we depriving someone in proper need?

Would you accept this offer?

Sorry that this is so long!

Your daughter should continue her polo lessons
or other not-for-the-plebs activity

You & your daughter sound lovely, take the offer, you're not depriving anyone by taking it but you'd be depriving your daughter of something she loves by refusing it.

Firstly I think your DD sounds lovely. Well done on that.

Secondly, in your shoes I would go back to the organiser and explain the situation, honestly and openly. That you and DD are flattered that they want to keep her, that your love to accept but that you feel it would be wrong to accept the financial aid. I would then ask if there is anything you could do to make up for it: help organise something (a match or concert or review or whatever the activity has), admin/paperwork for the club - whatever. That way you will be paying in kind and everyone would be a winner. Don't get too hung up on whether the contribution is proportionate: if the club want her it clearly suits them to have her in (helps the team succeed? Makes the orchestra sound better?).

Good luck to your DD.

Accept for DD. You'll know what's best to do about paying it back or paying it forward. You come across as genuine and caring.

Take it. Your dd must be very good and clearly wants to stay involved. The lady running it obviously doesn't want to lose her and would probably also prefer to have half the money than none at all. I would say yes with great gratitude and if you are flush in the future (or can put any aside) you could pay full the following year or offer it for another child who's parents are having trouble paying.

I advise to take the offer OP. As other pp's have said, your dd must be valued by her activity peers and it doesn't sound as though accepting this offer will cause any hardship to another child. As someone above mentioned, you could make a promise to yourself to help someone else in future when you have the capacity to do so. Remember, they came to you to offer, you didn't solicit it which means they WANTED to help your dd keep going, but I understand you too OP, I find it hard to accept offers without feeling guilty but in this case I just don't think you need to. Perhaps your dd can act as a kind of tutor/mentor to younger children in the activity if she feels a need to earn her place?

Yes, it's different than if your Dd was just starting and they just felt sorry for you. In a way she has earned discount by being what this activity wants. I expect at her age quite a lot of people start dropping out as their interests and life change so having her enjoying it and being motivated sounds worth the cost to them.

Take the offer for now. Then when you feel more financially comfortable, pay it forward.
It's clear that the organisation want your DD to continue and your DD wants to continue - they have offered to facilitate it in the light of you saying that the problem was financial - so take the money for now and in the future, maybe you can help someone out who is in a similar situation, either directly, or by paying back the half of the fees that you're being given now.

Glad your DD is going to get to continue with her hobby. :)

There's a hobby mine did (temporarily moved away so it's on hold at the moment) which is also mostly done by private school kids. Not a single kid from her state school took part. The club is extremely welcoming to all and know the sport has an elitist reputation so they have a scheme where you can earn hours of tuition - you give an hour of your time and a whole training session ends up costing about a pound. Kids can volunteer from 14 I think and parents are welcome to 'work' for their kids tuition. Maybe there is an opportunity for her to help in junior sessions in return - then it wouldn't feel like charity.

okay, you need to remember that things happen sometimes that lead to these situations. It's nothing to be embarassed about - we've all been there where we coulnd't affordt do something we did before.

It's harder where kids are involved though. Over the last 10 years we've had two redundancies and one reduced working pattern (down to a 3 day week for all staff to prevent having to lay anyone off, it was a short term measure and appreciated in te long run, but it was hard at the time)

But none of our kids have EVER heard us discussing money - kids have enough to deal with without feeling guilty over something they have no control over.

Take it now, pay it forwards later.

Aw! You've all made me cry again.

Thank you so much for the support. I thought I'd get flamed for being grabby.

user1465823522, you are spot on with this - But none of our kids have EVER heard us discussing money - kids have enough to deal with without feeling guilty over something they have no control over.
DH and I are horrified she's heard/picked up on that and we're going to be much more careful about how we flap our gums in future... You're absolutely right, kids shouldn't have to take on that level of responsibility. Def our bad there!

FabFive, I'm going to do this - I would then ask if there is anything you could do to make up for it: help organise something (a match or concert or review or whatever the activity has), admin/paperwork for the club - whatever. That's a brilliant suggestion. And I will suggest to DD that she could help out too, but I don't want to take up too much of her time as she was genuine when she was worried about how much time her GCSE course will take next year, and I want to support her in taking her studies seriously.

Thank you all so, so much for taking the time to comment. for MN.