To be obsessing about the injustice of this?

[WibbleWobbleJellyHead]

This may be very identifying so I be changed a few details around. But the gist is as follows.

I have two siblings. Several years ago my parents remortgaged to lend sibling 1 £XXk to buy a house. This was paid back within a couple of years and then reborrowed again a few years later, and then all paid off.

Around the same time as the second loan to sibling 1, sibling 2 'borrowed' the same amount, again this was funded with a remortgage. This has never been paid back.

Sibling 2 is now borrowing the same amount again to fund a house move. So my parents are remortgaging AGAIN to fund this. My sibling will be paying the interest only, but will have no way to pay back the capital. Unlike sibling 1 who had a plan in place (overpaying the mortgage and expected pay rises), sibling 2 is never likely to be in a position to pay this back. The amount owed is eye watering.

I do not understand how my parents think this is going to resolve itself. They are now lumbered with a sizeable mortgage in their late sixties. Their own mortgage was cleared years ago. I don't know the details but surely the mortgage company are going to call it in within the next few years? Where is this money going to come from? Unless they sell their own house and downsize which may be on the cards.

To add further fuel to my uneasiness, we asked a few years back if we could expect the same help as my siblings and was told very firmly that 'the bank of mum and dad is closed'.

I am looking for ways to rationalise this in my head but I am just coming up with rage at the unjustness and the idiocy.

Please help me make sense of it.

Both parents are already retired.

They are unlikely to be homeless as their house is worth £££ but I can see them having to sell to fund this.

Oh God - I do wonder how fully grown adults can still expect/be given the opportunity to not take responsibility for themselves

I will no doubt make many mistakes as a parent but I do hope I can be even handed in my approach to financial assistance as I have seen it in other families be the cause of major upset

sounds like the deal is done - your parents are of sound mind and can do as they please - I would not worry about them as to be honest they have not really worried about you when happily granting the other siblings money and closing the bank of mum and dad to you

Just accept it build your own life - but I think it's for the other siblings to support your parents financially if it's required

I'm not sure why any of this is anyone's business except the parents and the child they are lending money to.

Why is it parents are expected to treat all of their children identically when it comes to money?

Both my siblings were helped out financially when they first moved out and were working. I got barely any help because by that time there was a recession and my parents had less cash. I didn't bitch and moan about them getting more than me, I just accepted it would have been nice if they had been able to help me, but they weren't so I managed on my own.

They have helped me out with other stuff since, I have no idea if they are helping my brother or sister out with stuff or not. It's none of my business. It is their money to do with what they wish. And if they become skint and need my help, they'll get it. I'm not going to judge them for badly handling money, just as they don't judge me when I ask them for a loan.

Didn't you post about this before? The bank of mum and dad being closed rung a bell. Anyway, you can't change it. It may be unfair but life isn't fair.

Sorry to be blunt but complaining about it on here, isn't going to have any impact on your parents. Posting doesn't seem to be helping you to come to terms with it. Write them an angry letter then post it or rip it up depending on whether you want a relationship with them or feel so penalised by them only lending you money once, that you want to cut contact.

Since your parents have managed to financially assist both siblings, I think it's likely that they have a clear plan on what will happen with their house and mortgage. You don't need to worry about them.

I don't think the OP is making the decision her business, but the OP is concerned on how it may have a negative effect on her parent's.

Parent's often over lend to children, because they love them, but that also means sometimes the parent's get in to trouble financially. I assume the OP is more worried about thay.

Exactly foogirl

Both my siblings have been given £££££ from my parents for their weddings and house purchases.

I chose not to get married and will probably never own a home. That's my situation and my responsibility. I would never expect my parents to help me.

Fair or unfair, you're not automatically entitled to a handout just for being born. Their money, it's entirely up to them what they do with it.

To moan about it is entitled and grabby.

APlace, they have never lent me money.

I may have mentioned the 'bank of mum and dad' comment before, it's something I have really struggled to get over.

I understand your concern as it puts your parents in a vulnerable position and you and other sibling in the need to save the day, if they end up in financial hardship thank to a sibling who is taking their money but won't be able to pay it back.

Unfortunately, they are free to do with their money what as they wish, and leaving you out of Mum and Dad's bank is as fair as for you to turn your back on them when they say they need your help.

It is dreadful really, but if you cannot convince them to let go of this economic suicide, it is not your responsibility to rescue them either.

Sorry Wibble I meant the fact they have only lent your Sib1 money once.

I do sympathise but for your own sake, you need to find a way to come to terms with it.

My DM is exactly the same in that she treats my DSIS2 differently and has loaned and given her large sums of money. I don't understand why she treats DSIS2 differently from the rest of her DCs but she does and I can't change it (but I do find writing ranty letters about stuff that annoys me helps me to move on!).

I have two siblings.

I know my parents have helped one of them out with getting a car, but not the other. I don't see that as unfair as one sibling really needed a car to get to work, the other didn't.

One of us has had a lot more money spent on our education than the other two, but again I don't mind that as they spent it on The Cleverest One and it would clearly have been wasted on me and other sibling!!

My parents contributed about £3k to my wedding but the other two are not married. I don't think the others mind.

However when my parents had an inheritance they gave us each an equal chunk of cash. I think it would have been very unfair not to.

OP I think your parents have been really unfair, but I don't know what you can do about it. I would find that really hard to deal with.

Weddings are different imo.
But giving a big sums of money to one (or tow) siblings and nothing to the other is not on.
It's not about the fact that the one who hasn't been given any money is grabby. It's the fact that the parents aren't fair (I'm assuming that all siblings are in a similar position, eg there is no SN involved or big stuff such as death of a spouse etc...).
If you aren't planning to buy a house, there is plenty you could do with a similar sort of money, incl investing it which would help (whthere you would still be renting or not is then your decision isn't it?)

Wibble the conclusion is that your parents are unfair and if, as yu said, there are other stuff going round such as being the golden child/scapegoat, then it's up to you to decide what level of contact you want.

I've seen my dad in the role of the scapegoat. It aint pretty.

I think you have every right to feel upset. I have three grown up children and would never do favouritism, they are all treated the same. Disgusted at your parents behaviour to you - cool things down and let favoured child look after them in their old age, but I'm a bitchy cow and have gone NC with in- laws over stuff like this.

This is depressing. Your parents sound foolish, but the "bank of mum and dad" comment was particularly unedifying. I hope they'll be able to rely on your two siblings in their decrepitude when they need support, because you certainly shouldn't be going out of your way to offer it. Let the golden kids deal with them. Or do it, but charge them for your time and petrol

I feel your pain. I borrowed a fiver from my mum in about 1995 (paid back 3 days later) and she still moans about it. Two of my siblings have large cash gifts or things paid for on a regular basis. I worked (for no pay) full time in my parents' business for over 10 years and got no thanks for it. My siblings have my parents running around after them constantly.
It sucks. It isn't fair and it is very hurtful. However, my parents don't seem to be capable of anything else. I've tried talking calmly to them about it but they get very defensive and then hysterical. I continue to have a relationship with them because my children want me to, but I am still trying to accept that I will never have the relationship I want with them. I don't want their money, but I would like to not be the family dogsbody.

Oh here we go, 'entitled' and 'grabby' are being flung around already. FFS.

Back in the real world, it's not considered entitled at all to expect parents to treat their adult children roughly equally when it comes to finances.

Pretty much everyone I know believes this (and I come across discussions of exactly this kind of thing often, in my line of work).

Unless there are serious extenuating circumstances (e.g. one child has a disability which requires expensive assistance, or is a single parent to 6 children), giving way more $$ to one sibling is always going to breed resentment and hurt feelings.

Golden Child gets to do the housing and support of aged parents when the banks need repaying I guess.

Treadsoftly sums it up in my opinion.

The line of credit goes both ways.

If it's none of OP's business what help or money a sibling gets, then its certainly none of the parents or siblings business why the OP cannot or will not help out if the parents hit financial difficulty or need care.

I'm not saying that's necessarily how I'd play things but this is exactly the kind of situation this tends to create and it's a real shame.

This sort of thing causes so much resentment, a friend of mine left home to get married to her fiance who is an only child. Her unmarried sister remained at home with both parents and the family home was left to her as her sister had "her own home" and besides her Dh would inherit all from his parents. Roll on a few years. Unmarried sister has been able to retire early, always worked no kids, is very well off financially.
Married sister who left work to raise dc's (she worked for a bank and in those days you couldn't return to work with dc's) not very good pension prospects, still working as is her DH who is making a contribution to his DM's care (in a home) as all the capital from the house etc has been used up.
I know that her late parents were trying to do their best for their DD's but I feel all dc's should be treated the same/equally when it comes to dishing out finances or inheritances

So you were told "a few years back" that '"'the bank of mum and dad is closed'." But Sibling2 is borrowing from them now? Shocking display of Golden Child/Scapegoat behaviour from your parents!

"I would have thought until a few months ago that we were really close. I am starting to have a bit of a revelation (other stuff going on as well) that I am the scapegoat. To the point I am slowly reducing contact."
The only thing I can say OP is that be assured this is about them, not you. The fault lies with them and their weird favouritism and is no reflection on you and the sort of person you are. It is so easy for scapegoats to be indoctrinated made to feel that they must be horrible people otherwise their parents wouldn't treat them 'so badly. That they somehow deserve to be treated like this. I hope this is not the case for you, because that would be a travesty. Parents who do this to their children are - I don't know; defective, indequate, in some way lacking?

"I do not understand how my parents think this is going to resolve itself. They are now lumbered with a sizeable mortgage in their late sixties. Their own mortgage was cleared years ago. I don't know the details but surely the mortgage company are going to call it in within the next few years? Where is this money going to come from? Unless they sell their own house and downsize which may be on the cards."
This is where you should try to detach yourself from them. It is their problem, a problem of their own making. If they didn't think about how they were going to repay this debt when they took it on, they were very stupid and must face the consequences. If they have to downsize, that's fine. It is not your problem. Seriously, it is absolutely not your problem.

I very much agree with TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams - if they are happy to take the line of 'the bank of mum and dad is closed', then it can be no surprise to them that the care home of Wibble never comes into being. Golden Child Sibling2 will have to step up to the plate.

Reducing contact with them is very sensible.

Thank you. I am leaning towards going as low contact as possible as I'm not coping at all well with the whole toxic mess. I'm giving it far too much headspace.

The other thing that irks me is that sibling2 is taking out a much larger mortgage to fund this new house. I don't get why, if they can do that, they can't just stay put and remortgage to pay mum and dad back. They don't 'need' a bigger house, and their current house is bigger than the property we lived in when we had children of the same age, so it's not as though our parents are trying to make us all equal. I just can't fathom owing somebody tens of thousands of pounds and then borrowing the same amount again with no means to pay it off.

It seems they don't care JellyHead. They know perfectly well how old the parents are, and are hoping that they will never have to pay anything back, just like they never paid the last "loan" back.
I'd not be able to keep my mouth shit, but that's me. If anything was mentioned about the house, I'd have a dig about the bank of mum and dad being closed years ago for you, and how fucking special do you have to be to get it reopened for a not needed bigger house.
I can see why you are pulling back from them, I think I would have too. You know as the capable one you will end up looking after them (well they'll expect you to) and funding it too.

That is rubbish OP.

I don't have much advice other than try to find peace with the fact that you don't owe them any money.

I know this is probably slightly premature...(and I don't know if anyone has mentioned it)....if or when you come to inherit the house can it be proposed that your sibling who has been given a fortune doesn't stand to gain anything? Almost like they've had their share already.

That might be totally out of the question but I thought I'd mention it.

Also, I really question the morals of people who borrow huge sums of money off elderly parents, leaving them in debt and having no intention of paying it off. Not nice.