To pull up my brother over rude comments

[gubbygubby]

My older DB over the years makes flippant hurtful comments that I have never challenged as we are not a confrontational family .
The last year or soI have had enough and have now for the third time text him to tell me I was upset. Not a rant, just an explanation.

At Xmas when they visited my DD went through he clothes and gave a load to DN who is 1 year younger.

When he saw them he said
" I hope those clothes are suitable for my daughter and there is nothing tarty in there "
DD was upset and I thought it was bloody cheeky but said nothing.

My mum did mention to him that he had upset DD . DD ls into fashion and make up and likes to dress up and his DD who is lovely is the opposite, so I can imagine why he would think this.

He rang me this week and we chatted about the kids. When he asked about the youngest DS he said
Have you had a diagnosis yet for DS ? " pain in the backside , or something else "

Now DS is being assessed for ASD and can be very hard work . He's not naughty at all but he talks non stop, is very loud ect so it did hit a nerve.
Again I said nothing as I was taken aback but I text him the next day to say nicely that I felt upset by his comment and we are very worried about DS and it just isn't very nice.

He responded with telling me that he had rung me , asked about the family and that yet again I had lectured him on what he had said wrong and to give him a break

I replied that he has insulted 2 of my DC and most people would respond negatively to that.
He replied that I always think the worst of him and that he loves my family and he didn't think those things .

So why bloody say them then. He is not a jokey type of person do one would assume that his comments suggested what he was thinking .
There are many other occasions but ive finally decided to challenge his rudeness and he doesn't like it.
He made an in appropriate comment about my daughter and get big friend to his wife that hinted about DD sex life.
Nothing awful if it were an adult, but I felt that there was an assumption on his part they were having sex. She is 16 and is not.

It's like he thinks his children are pure and wholesome while mine are a bit tarty and probably having sex .
I'm not explaining very well here, it's all so thinly veiled and subtle .

After a visit from him and his family I end up feeling really cross and it is not like me at all

He really can't see why I'm upset can he ?
What do I say next ?

I think I am touchy when it comes to him as he is quite arrogant
He is a very very clever academic and is just very superior.Its not just me but my other 2 brothers find him annoying too.
I've heard him call his wife's sister thick before.
I hate clever people deriding others for being thick .

He always knows best and is dismissive of other opinions.

His wife is lovely though as are their DC.
My mum can usually see no wrong in him ,
She says that he doesn't mean to be rude .
I really want to try and explain why his comments hurt but he doesn't get it does he

Posted too soon. The most likely outcome if you do get your mother involved and she gets hurt by him is she will likely blame you. I can imagine her sticking up for him is damaging to your relationship with your mother. However, I think this would hurt it more.

Do you think he has ASD too?

I think the problem lies in your very first line:

"older DB over the years makes flippant hurtful comments that I have never challenged as we are not a confrontational family"

My family is like this - nobody is allowed to "rock the boat" or say anything - it leads to a lot of stepping on egg shells and brief hurried unsatisfactory conversations in low voices in other rooms and sweeping of things under the carpet and things not being addressed and so festering.

Your DB has been allowed to make these little bitchy, snippy, comments here and there for years and nobody has pulled him up because your family do not like conflict.

When you do pull him up it "rocks the boat" and you are the bad guy, because that is not what your family do. Your DB feels genuinely affronted because he is not doing anything he hasn't always done.

You have to be a bit braver though, or it will never stop and he will erode your children's confidence if you see him much, or you will find you are almost unconsciously avoiding situations where he will be, thus missing out on wider family gatherings etc. as well as any relationship with the rest of his family - which your family may well tacitly condone as it avoids "rocking the boat" and any kind of confrontation, and he doesn't have to change.

It is quite possible your DB makes these types of comments to his own wide or DD when you and your kids are not around to be his targets, and possibly his students when in 1:1 or small group situations; if nobody ever calls him on it it is probably his normal way of reminding everyone he sees as his "junior" or "inferior" that he is top dog, and keeping them in their place, and a little tiny bit afraid of him...

Don't ask your mum to intervene - you'll just sound like a stroppy jealous 12 year old to her, and your DB will sneer at you more if you have to ask your mum to fight your battles. Given your DB is golden boy but she loves you very much too she may try to intervene in order to keep the peace between you, but if so she is likely to do so in a conciliatory manner by asking your DB to watch what he says because you are "a bit sensitive at the moment" or "easily upset" or whatever, which will make you look a bit pathetic and just add fuel to the fire in the long run unintentionally by shifting the "blame" from him to you.

I'd step back a bit and then try calling him on things at the time. My brothers can do a similar type of banter to my sister and I and too each other. I call them on it at the time but as I do want a relationship with them I let a lot go over my head. I don't live close by high helps.

I think shifting the venue/hosting to him/his wife/his house is a great idea. Is this possible?

They live 5 hours away so not possible to move venue

Next time you host a meal just tell them what to bring. ' Boxing Day lunch here, please could you bring the puddings and X bottles of wine, there will be 10 of us.' He genuinely won't think of it for himself and must be told.

Re the comments you've had lots of good ideas. You must say something at the time, texting afterwards is hopeless. My DM makes lots of very thoughtless rude remarks and I will say straight away if it is out of order. It really doesn't have to turn into a row. 'That's really not a nice thing to say.'

He does sound very lacking in social skills.

If you don't want to do Boxing Day, don't do Boxing Day. And tell your DB's wife it's because DD shouldn't have to put up with being called a tart and having insinuations about her sex life when she's barely out of childhood in her own home. Dare them to call that unreasonable.

Lots of good ideas here. Thanks all.