A marriage living apart

[Christina67]

My marriage has lasted for a coupla years with working in the week and weekend stay-overs, so does a good friend of mine and they are Jersey/London. I think it depends on the couple and situation. Admittedly some days are fine and some not so. Where I live I hardly know anyone and do not have a good support system, but with one thing or another it's usually manageable. Although yesterday my huband told me he wants to stay in London this weekend to visit a friend who is returning to NZ. I did know this was a vague plan a while ago, but didn't know what date. Two days notice? I smiled and said how lovely for him, however for me I have no plans for the weekend, no friends around at such short notice and a fridge/freezer full of food. I suppose I could fill the weekend with my son who is 10 L) washing, DIY, walking... I think the issue is the 2 day notice and why couldn't this be communicated with me before. Communication is an ongoing topic... any thoughts. Too sensitive? 'Make the most of it'? I do know I'm out of sorts cos my dad died at Xmas but still I think I wouldn't feel grumpy if I had a planned packed fun weekend with someone other than relying on my son wanting to be around. Many thanks for any words

I know it is a pain when it happens but sometimes it is good to just have a weekend where you are lazy. I love it when my DP is a way and I don't have to get up and can just eat the foods he doesn't like and I do.

You need to work on getting some friends of your own. It isn't healthy to rely on one person for everything. What if your marriage broke up?

uglyflowers OP clearly says her friends aren't available at such short notice.... Not that she doesnt have any.

You have my sympathy, it is why I dislike it when I get weekdays off in lieu of weekend ones as none of my friends are free and I end up loitering around at home like a spare part. Is there anything you've been wanted to do so you can turn it into a positive? Reading a good book, having a spa treatment or something...

Sorry. I meant nearby friends.

Is there something you need to be getting on with that you could tackle? I try and blitz the kitchen, or catch up with the washing when this happens, or have a long soak in the bath etc etc.

Depending what the weather is like turn it into a movie weekend with ds; we used to watch back to back Star Wars, or LOTR (still do sometimes, and he is 20 now). They aren't kids for that long, so enjoy some one on one time with him, without school getting in the way. It only seems like yesterday that my ds was 10, and now he'll be graduating next year. Where did that decade go when I wasn't looking?

Lots of us weekend, and many of us do it for years at a time, with sea time thrown in for good measure in my case, or as I have also done, six weeked it when dh was posted abroad and we initially didn't move. Seize the one on one time with ds, it goes too quickly ime.

My DH is away Monday to Friday, if he's ever not home for the weekend then it does feel like a long stretch until he's back again. It's not a treat or chance to lie in or be lazy. I have a toddler so I'm not sure what that means anymore anyway. So I sympathise.

However this is where you need ground rules. DH only doesn't come home if it's dire work emergency. If he wants to socialise he does that Mon-Fri. There is no way I'd be smiling sweetly if I only got two days notice he wasn't coming back just because he wanted to see a mate!! People rarely return to NZ on a whim and usually give advanced notice of leaving dos etc if he's left it until the 11th hour to organise that's his tough shit. Family comes first. His alternative if he's really desperate to see his mate is that you all ship over to London for the weekend.

Your being too nice! Stop it and say what you really feel because your husband isn't a mind reader. He's not telling you things until the last minute but you're lying to him..... that's worse. Hoik your big girl pants up and have it out with him.

The bigger problem is you don't seem to have a social life. Unfortunately in this lifestyle if you're lonely you're screwed it's just a platform for resentment. You need to start getting out and doing something for you and meet people. Pay for babysitting if you have to. Oh and save him some of those chores washing/DIY he can help! Your his wife not his housekeeper!

Living apart is not easy, if youre really not happy doing it anymore then perhaps it's time to review the situation, could you find somewhere you could all be together full time??

Thank you all so very much for these wise words. I only joined Mumsnet this afternoon as I was at such a low ebb and this was my 1st posting EVER (took a while!) - you have given me inspiration to perk up a bit and think a bit more creatively arnd the situation and look after myself :) I know there's soooo much going on in The World right now, however I relocated 2 years ago to be with my dad from 25 years working full time in London which is where my other half still resides. So I guess yes I do rely a lot more on hubby than usual as all my pals are there, hence my bloomin grumpiness of he n a pal only deciding yesterday that this WAS their big wkend together!! Anyhow thanks again laydees. x

Boring thought but book groups are good for meeting local people or even church.