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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

More a WWYD - lift to work being expected

46 replies

IloveJudgeJudy · 22/06/2016 17:33

This is a thread I never thought I'd have to write.

I work shifts, but not in a regular rotating pattern (more's the pity, as I'd be able to plan my life far more easily).

I drive to work. It's not that far, maybe 3 miles, but there's no public transport within about a mile of the place, and certainly not at the times we sometimes have to start.

There's a man in my team who lives very near me on my route to work. When we're doing the same, or almost the same, shifts, I give him a lift to work. I don't or rather didn't, mind, even though i sometimes have to leave earlier than I'd normally do, in order for him to be on time. Sometimes I give him a lift 5 times a week and some weeks not at all, as our shifts don't coincide. Just after this started, I did have to tell him that I expected him to be waiting for me, not the other way around. He does sometimes text me to give him a lift at the last minute.

Lately, however, I'm feeling very much taken for granted and I don't like it.

I'll give you a couple of examples that occurred just this last week. On Sunday my shift started and finished 15 minutes later than his. I had given him a lift to work and fully intended to bring him home, even though it would have meant hanging around for him to finish. I've done that a few times. On this occasion, however, I had finished my work, he wasn't in the department and all I could think about was getting home, especially as my unsocial hours mean I cherish every minute i can spend with DH and the DC. I left work without him! About 10 minutes after I'd arrived home I got a text from him, asking where I was. I told him I was at home. He texted back, saying he'll have to walk home. From that text I inferred he was expecting me to return and collect him.

Then yesterday, a few of us went out for a quick bite after work. He did ask for a lift. I parked, we got out of the car, he went to talk to other colleagues who'd just parked in the same place; meanwhile I paid for the parking. He didn't offer. Neither did he offer to pay for a drink or any of my food. He doesn't pay any petrol money either.

Today, he was meant to finish over an hour before me. I got outside and he was waiting by my car for a lift home.

WWYD in this situation? How shall I broach the question of his ingratitude? We do have to work very closely together. I don't know how to start the conversation and what exactly to say as I'm worried about spoiling our working relationship and that of the wider team. But... if I don't say anything I'm going to seethe with resentment.

OP posts:
Laiste · 22/06/2016 18:56

I meant to add - beware of conflating the two; petrol money vs not wanting to do it at all any more. Chose one of the other, or he'll just offer you a couple of quid a week and you'll be stuck back at square one with yet another awkward convo to do to get out of it.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 22/06/2016 18:59

Three miles from home, 1 mile from public transport.

I think YANBU OP. You should not have to inconvenience yourself to offer him a lift (wait around/leave early) and he should be giving you petrol money.

He seems to manage fine when you are not on the same shifts.

I wouldn't make it a habit thing, I'd specifically offer every time "I see we are in the same shift, I'm leaving at xx - if you want a lift can you give me £x for petrol" That way if you don't offer he shouldn't assume you are chauffeuring him, and when you are its on your terms and not so inconvenient.

Gide · 22/06/2016 19:02

Are your shifts available for him to see? If not, don't bloody tell him. If he manages to get to work without you, I think I'd be telling him lifts are no longer available. I would hate to be tied down like this. Waiting round for someone is just not on.

KirstyJC · 22/06/2016 19:18

Just tell him that you don't want to give him lifts anymore. If/when he asks why, just say you don't want to. If he asks again, just repeat. He'll stop asking eventually.

If he can get himself there other times, then he can get himself there all the times.

ImperialBlether · 22/06/2016 19:21

So when he took the job, how did he think he was going to get to work?

And when you're not at work, how does he manage?

OurBlanche · 22/06/2016 19:22

Just tell him you won't give him lifts any more.

No explanations - he'll see them as the beginning of negotiations.

You won't spoil the dynamics of the team, he is taking the piss, not you... and anyone else could make a minor detour to pick him up, for free, if they wanted to.

Just pick him up one last time and, as you drive in, breezily say that you are sorry, but this is the very last lift you can give him. And repeat, "Sorry, I won't " to anything he says.

He obviously can get to work without you and is self centred enough not to realise that receiving an on going favour is often dependent on being pleasant! So sod him!

SpartaCarcass · 22/06/2016 19:22

Difficult as you have to work together but it is already difficult as you are feeling resentment towards him.
I'd tell him you don't want to hang around for him anymore as it is impacting on YOUR time. And that you are happy to give him a lift when your shifts match up but if he is not waiting for you (within a reasonable say 2 minutes) then you will go without him.
And also that he NEEDs to contribute towards petrol as otherwise it is not working for you. I'd give a petrol rate per day and get him to pay at the end of the week rather than per day - messing about with coppers.

From this cost generator www.fuel-economy.co.uk/calc.html a six mile drive would be approx 50p so that's 25p a day. Seems niggly but how much is bus fare? (Which you could ask reasonably ask him for half of).

AliceInUnderpants · 22/06/2016 19:24

If you are happy to continue giving him lifts when it is convenient for you, definitely ask for a contribution. I'll happily give friends lifts if I am going the same place as them, but if they ask me to go out of my way to take them somewhere eg they bung a couple of quid or whatever it would have cost them in a similar bus fare or something in the car ashtray. I can use it to put some petrol in the car, or get the car washed. If we take a shopping trip, I'd expect them to pay parking.

Sugarlightly · 22/06/2016 19:25

I had this problem for a while. I worked in a care home and people (more than one person!) would wait around for me to finish handing over to the other nurse, knock on the door to hurry me up etc. after work.

I set ground rules for lifts to work - only pick up from somewhere I drive past, and if you're not there you get the bus and I will pull you up about being late!

I just ended up saying I wasn't driving that for a few days and they got the message after a while. It might be easier to say "I'm not giving you a lift" any more

IcyTeaAndScoopyScoopyDogDog · 22/06/2016 19:31

I would text and say, Im finished at x time this week , I need to go home straight away from work from now on so if you are finished at the same time, Ill drop you home, otherwise you will have to make your own way.

RaeSkywalker · 22/06/2016 19:31

Are you happy to keep giving him a lift? If so, he needs to contribute. If you don't want to give him a lift any more, just tell him. It won't be a nice conversation but it needs to happen before you snap at him, and things get really awkward at work.

SabineUndine · 22/06/2016 19:31

I can understand him being a bit fed up the time you didn't pick him up without telling him. However he should be giving you petrol money and you shouldn't have to ask.

I'm wondering what his arrangements were before you worked together? Or if he started his job after you, what he planned to do? Was he assuming a lift would materialise? I'll be honest, I don't think a 3 mile walk is that big a deal, but anyway, couldn't he cycle?

oldlaundbooth · 22/06/2016 19:34

Sorry - it's 3 miles, 1 mile if he catches the bus, but that isn't always available given obscure shift start times.

The lazy sod needs to figure this out himself!

OP - does this guy drive? Can he learn?

PuppyMonkey · 22/06/2016 19:34

Tell him you've moved to another town suddenly. Wink

oldlaundbooth · 22/06/2016 19:36

Not to be one of those posters etc but I used to walk 3 miles to work. Took me about 45 minutes. Kept me fit.

Basicbrown · 22/06/2016 19:50

Him having to walk 3 miles is hardly the end of the world unless he has a disability surely..?

Yanbu he is a royal piss taker op

IloveJudgeJudy · 22/06/2016 19:55

Thank you so much for all the replies. Much food for thought. I don't mind giving him a lift . It would be different if it were every day; that would be too much.

He used to have a moped, but sold it. He can see my shifts. There are only 15 of us in the whole place on this irregular shift pattern.

See, on the mileage calculator shown above by a PP (thank you for that) it's only 25p each way. That just seems petty, otoh he needs to do something. In an ideal world, either he'd be able to give me a lift sometimes, or he'd realise without me prompting, that he needs to give, or at least offer to give, something.

Anyone else I've either offered a lift to, or they've asked on the odd occasion, has always offered, which I've declined. Why am I so British?

OP posts:
FuriousFate · 22/06/2016 20:20

You are not responsible for this person. I would hate to be tied to someone like that, feeling bad if I had a last minute change of plans or whatever. The dynamic should be that he's grateful if he gets a lift on the off chance, if it happens to be convenient for you. There should be no expectation on his part and even if you do give him a lift as a goodwill gesture, he should offer to pay for parking/grab you a coffee etc. You sound like a lovely person but don't let him take the piss!

HamletsSister · 22/06/2016 20:28

How much is public transport? I would charge him £1 if the times match and £5 if you have to wait.

SpartaCarcass · 28/06/2016 19:04

It doesn't matter if the cost is a pittance - it's the rudeness of assumption. Think of a way to say you will give him a lift when convenient and he has to contribute towards petrol. £1 or 2 a week isn't much but it's £100 over a year. You could say "what do you think is a reasonable amount to contribute?" He wouldn't DARE say 25p I'm sure if he's saving £4 on bus fare.

Diamogs · 28/06/2016 19:21

That calculator only costs out petrol, there is way more to that with a car, depreciation, wear and tear, tax, insurance, servicing, MOT etc

To put it in context HMCE allow 45 pence per mile for a mileage allowance claim.

OP do you want to give him a lift or not? If not just tell him it doesn't work for you.

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