Long post warning: I'm feeling seriously fed up with my inlaws but am wondering if they are simply garden-variety annoying family and IABU, or if they are toxic enough to go LC (are already circumstantially fairly LC) or NC.
OH is one of three children, and is not close to his parents (neither are his siblings). His father was the classic hands-off father and his mother was a high-stress, screamy mother who smacked regularly. From what OH has told me (he does not like to talk much about it) it sounds abusive, but he struggles to label it as such.
MIL was a teen mother, with children close together, and she lost a fourth child shortly after birth, so along with an uninvolved husband and tight finances, there are reasons that she struggled with parenting, but understanding those reasons as adults doesn't mean OH and his siblings were less scarred as children. All of them have suffered emotional problems; OH and one sibling have had counselling and have dealt with them quite well, the third, not so much.
OH left home early and went into a profession traditionally regarded as 'feminine'. His father made no bones about being embarrassed by this, and they were distant for a long time. Eventually, as OH rose to the very top of his industry, they took some pride in it.
Over the years there have been numerous family dramas, including PIL declaring one of their children 'disowned' for not inviting them to Christmas one year, then later acting like nothing had happened and being offended when said child did not want to do the same. In fact, in general, PIL have a habit of making snide or offensive remarks (see below), and then acting wounded (silent treatment often ensues) if you deflect or even ignore the remarks.
They are very part-time grandparents (to all their grandkids, not just our DCs). We see them perhaps 3-4 times a year (they live out of town, so usually stay a night with us... just one though), and although MIL makes a an exuberant fuss of the children for a couple of hours (and they love the attention), after a couple of hours the attention wanes and I have to actively encourage interaction.
FIL is barely interested in the children and mostly watches sports on TV. The one time I left MIL in charge of DS while I popped out to do a food shop, when I returned, DS had had a serious near-miss accident that by sheer luck only did not result in a hospital visit. Never again. They also swear frequently in front of the kids, and have said things to them that really irritate me, eg, "Look, you've got food all over your face, you stupid boy" (not said in a malicious tone, more 'jokey', but I still find it inappropriate).
I should add that they rarely come to visit just to see the GCs; they usually need to have something else to do in our town in order to justify a visit.
Maybe once or twice a year we visit them, but after a disastrous stay where FIL got roaringly drunk and crashed around for two hours at 2am, yelling "FUCK THE BABY" when asked to keep it down, we've been reluctant to make the effort.
The most recent incident that's aggrieved me probably sounds like small change, but I'm just so sick of it all that it might be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
After not attending DD's birthday last month due to FIL being sick, two days ago I had a phone call from PIL wanting to know where I was, because they were about to pass through town in the next hour and wanted to drop a present off (no advance notice of this). I was at work, so I gave MIL the nanny's number to meet up. PIL dropped in briefly to deliver a doll's pram, then left without spending any significant time with the kids (the nanny mentioned being surprised at how little time they stayed for).
Yesterday OH rang his mother to say thanks and mentioned that the kids had been giving each other rides (it is a very sturdy little pram and they are skinny, small toddlers (2 and 3)). An hour later I received a cross text message to say the pram was for dolls and she was "most upset" to hear that the children had been sitting in it themselves. When OH came home, I showed him the message, and he called his mother.
He asked why she texted me instead of saying something when he spoke to her. She said she was too upset, and felt that since they had gone to "so much trouble" to buy it (I know for a fact that they ordered it online, and not until after DD's actual birthday, which seems like the opposite of taking much trouble) that we were disrespecting them by allowing the children to play with it in such a way.
I accept that it's not the intended use, but OH and I are both very careful and would never let the kids do it if we though it would break (I have never had to throw out a toy because it was broken). OH explained this, and said he would prefer her to speak to him in future instead of sending me an "emotional text" about how upset she was. She protested that she was upset and made some implications about us not being firm enough on our (extremely well-behaved) children. OH calmly reiterated that she could have just said that she was concerned that using the pram in that way might damage it. She started crying and said she had to go because she had to cook dinner.
Based on past form, we will now get the silent treatment for weeks or months, and the rest of the family will get a story about how she can't say anything to us for being afraid of being told off.
I guess my questions are AIBU to see this as MIL causing unnecessary drama (she has huge form for this) or are we in the wrong? And overall, do these people sound 'cut-out-of-your-life' toxic, or just irritating but largely harmless, especially since we don't see them more than a few times a year anyway?